Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Things That Make Me Who I Am...

1. My kids (aka my life). They make me strive to be the very best person that I can be.

2. My husband (aka my soul mate). He makes me want to be better at things that I only feel mediocre at these days. And he loves me, no matter what I do or say..and I've been looking for that constant my entire life. My kids definitely fall into this category as well.

3. My friends (aka my soul). They keep me accountable. They help me remember who I am and support me through everything.

4. My family. Even though I don't feel as though they are as unconditional with their love as they should be, they are still there if I need them.

I've been feeling cynical and down lately. Sometimes I feel so alone and that the only people that I have are Seth and the kids. But then I realize that that is partly my fault. Why do I shut people out? I ask this question a lot, I know, but I can't help it. I don't understand what it is inside of me that makes me do it. And in all reality, yes...my family (when I say "my", I mean Seth, Brooklyn, and Wil) is more than enough. But I still need the support from my friends that I tend to push away. I still need that outside outlet.

My family (parents, sisters, etc.) has made me feel like such an outsider in the last months. I feel excluded and unwanted. And maybe that's where all of this stems from...I'm not sure. I know what I need to do is tell them how I feel, but it seems that whenever I do that, it gets brushed off and they make me feel like these emotions are unwarranted and silly. Maybe that's where all of this has started. We always used to be so close, and now they still are....just minus me and my family. Don't get me wrong; they happily include my kids...at least most of the time. And I'm glad for that. Otherwise I would cut myself off completely from them. I NEVER want my children to feel the hurt that I've felt over the years.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Things I Want...

So I've fallen off the planet a little bit lately. Everything has been crazy, and I've shut myself out of the social circle for awhile. But in light of all the events lately, there's been something on my mind and on my heart. I want to make sure that my kids know what I want for them out of life, especially if, God forbid, anything happen to me and I'm not here to tell them myself. So here goes....

1. Be passionate. I want you both to find something in life that you can be passionate about and go at with full force. I've been passionate about quite a few things in my life such as horses, volleyball, writing, and finally...my family. You 2 make my life worth living and you get me through all the hard days. So find that something and hold onto it.

2. Be forgiving. Sometimes this is a hard one, but it's so important. Don't hang on to silly things and let them get in the way. Please understand that people do not always make the right choices in life, but they need someone to realize this and help them. It's easy to stay mad at someone, but it shows true character to forgive and move on from it. Always do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

3. Have a sense of humor. Life can be made a little less harsh with some laughter. Try to always find the bright side of things and humor in situations whenever possible. It may not always be there, but if you dig deep enough...anything is possible.

4. Find love. Love is the greatest emotion, as well as the hardest and most frustrating. But wow! When you find it, it will blow you away and it won't let you go. The only person I have ever loved is your dad, but I love him to the best of my ability. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for him. And I would do the same for you.

5. Be happy. Again, it's not always the easiest thing to do, but it's worth the fight to find it. You can only be happy if you let yourself, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. I've been through some dark times in my life where I did not know if there would ever be happiness again. But I always perservered and it's always been there waiting for me. Just leave yourself open to it.

6. Don't second guess yourselves! You know yourself better than anyone else, and you know what is right and what is wrong. There will always be someone to help you along the way, but in the end...think about you and what you need and want.

7. Love yourself no matter what. If you don't love yourself, no one else can either. You are amazing people and the world deserves to see that.

8. Have faith. If ever you feel like you have hit rock bottom, close your eyes and know that there is no where else to go but up. Let God into your life and let Him help you. Pray and be humble.

9. Remember who your true friends are in this life. You will come across people and you will think that they are your friends. But sometimes that is not always the case. Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people who will always stand by you and not leave you alone when times get tough. I've been VERY blessed with the friends that I have, and I would not trade them for anything. They are people who are strong, supportive, and always there for me...even if I go a month without talking to them. Those are the ones who will be by your side in your darkest moment or your happiest day.

10. Know that I will always love you, no matter what. You can make mistakes because that's how you learn. I will NEVER make you feel like you are not good enough or that you are alone. I will love you because you are Brooklyn and Wil, the lights of my life. And if ever you are feeling completely alone and feel there is no one else, I pray that you know you can come to me with anything.

11. Always love one another. If ever there is someone who will be there for you, it will be your brother or your sister. Always stay close to each other and never lose contact. I hope you have a relationship like your daddy and Aunt Angel do because they would do anything for the other one. And you need that rock in your lives.

This only scratches the surface of what I want to say, but you get the general idea. Brooklyn and Wil, you changed my life and changed me for the better. I never thought that I would make a good mom, but you make me feel like I could change the world if I wanted to. I love you :)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

To Be Grateful...

I am SO grateful for my family. I am also so grateful for our health and to be able to be together with no one trying to interfere. And for anyone who does not have that joy, I feel a deep pain and sorrow.

A friend of mine lost her husband to cancer today. He has been fighting it for awhile, but unfortunately...it spread and there was nothing that could be done. He was only 21 years old, and it makes me SO sad that he will not be able to watch his little boy, Zane, grow up and become a man.

And it also makes me wonder how poor Jessica could be so strong when the outcome was inevitable. I know it was hard, and I know that no one knows their real strength until it is put to the test. But to know that you are going to lose someone, no matter what you do...I just cannot even begin to fathom that. And I pray that I will never have to endure that. And guiltily, I feel relieved and thankful that my husband and kids are fine and beautiful and healthy.

On another note, I do want to talk about amazing my husband can be. Last week I was feeling exhausted, run down, and weary...physically, mentally, emotionally...and he saw this. And he asked me what was wrong. I told him that nothing was wrong, and he told me to quit lying to him. Now Seth doesn't do emotional very well, and he'll tell you that. So what I said to him was this, "I don't talk to you about these things b/c I know you don't like to deal with them. But I feel like I'm down on my knees right now and I can't get up. Everything is piling up and I just don't know how to get through it. I just want to run away b/c I don't feel like I have the strength to deal with it all." And he says to me, "This is what marriage is about. I'm your other half, and I'm here to carry you when you can't do it alone. But if you don't let me, I can't be there for you." And things have been blissful ever since. I love him for who he is and what he does for me and how he loves me (even when I don't feel like I can be loved). And I'm thankful for him every day. Plus he gave me the 2 best kids ever...and that's an even better reason :)

Friday, May 8, 2009

Where Does The Time Go??

Life is just going by so quickly these days! Here are some of the recent highlights:

1. We had our Fun Meet at work last weekend, and it was oh so adorable :) We hit quite a few snags a long the way, but it all came together in the end. And that's all that matters....it's all about the beauty of the effort.

2. I registered my big boy for kindergarten! REALLY?!? I just don't understand how it is already time for that! It's not fair :( But he truly is ready and completely excited...so who I am to rain on his parade?

3. I am planning my final event for the year...thank GOD! I'm ready for all the stress to be over and done. My last All Star Meet will happen next weekend, and then I should be done until December. It's a big one, so cross your fingers for me!!

4. Well, it hasn't happened yet...but Seth and I are having our 1 year anniversary on Sunday! Again, REALLY?!? This year has FLOWN by and I can't believe we're about to start a new one. In September, we will have been together for 10 years...and it's also my 10 year reunion for high school. Man, I'm getting old :)

5. I'm trying to be more positive, but it's really hard when it's raining all the time and I'm super tired. However, the effort and want is there.

6. Finally, WifeSwap is OVER!!!!! What started out as exciting turned into a royal pain in the butt, and emotionally draining for my poor bosses. But that's a post in and of itself. I'll try to get the whole story down soon. But for those who want to watch, it should be airing 4 weeks from today.

And that's that for now :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Questions That Are Always There...

So for those of you who don't know, I am adopted. The first question I always get when I tell someone that is, "Do you know who your birth mother is?" And when I say no, the next question is, "Have you ever thought about finding her?" Well, just so ya know...every person that has been adopted wonders that and has thought about it a million times :) It's not a constant thought, but always one that lingers right under the surface.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I go days and don't even think about being adopted. And then there are days when it's on my mind all the time. But when that happens, it's because something has triggered that thought. And tonight, it's there and so I thought I would get some of it out of my head.

There are some of us who get lucky and are adopted by people who truly wanted a child, but for some reason could not have one. I was very blessed, and had 2 amazing people who raised me. And I do often make references to and joke about "not sharing genetics with those crazy people", and I mean it, lol. But I wouldn't trade either one of them.

The thoughts that always circle, at least for me, are the reasons why. Why did she have to give me up? Was I not good enough? Was I considered an inconvenience or bad timing? Was I not worth the effort? And I will probably never find out the answers to any of these things...and sometimes that's ok.

Have I thought about finding this woman? All the time. I wanted to look like someone, as crazy as that might sound. But I had NEVER been told, "Wow, you have your mom's eyes" or "You look just like your dad!". And I longed for that..and still do. It makes me SO happy when someone tells me that one of the kids looks like me. It fills that hole inside of me that couldn't be touched before.

I even looked into starting the process after Brooklyn was born. But there is just so much involved in just finding out if your record is closed or not. And you had to get on a list...which, at the time, had a wait of 2 years. And after that 2 years, I would have found out if this woman wanted me to find her or not. Now that's a 50/50 chance there. I weighed my options and my emotions. I decided that it would probably more devastating to me find out that she never wanted anything to do with me, then OR now, than finding her and hearing those things personally. So as of now...call me a coward. I just don't have it in me emotionally to find that out. And then maybe it's too late. Maybe she's dead and I waited too long and I'll still never have the opportunity to find the answers.

Anyway...that's that. The school year is almost over. My little Willie will no longer be a preschooler, but a kindergartner. My Brooklyn will no longer be a 1st grader, but a 2nd grader. What the heck?! Where has all this time gone. I'm so proud of them and love watching them grow and come into their own, but man...I want them to stay children forever.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week. I'll try to start updating the WifeSwap drama at work as well ;)

Friday, April 17, 2009


So it's been a really long day. It's almost midnight, and I'm trying to wind down...just to get up again tomorrow and go at it once more. My baby boy turned 5 years old yesterday, and I just can't believe it. Where has the time gone? Why does it continue to go so quickly? When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. Now that I'm here and have 2 kids of my own, I want it to slow down so that I can remember every little detail and remember who they were, who they are, and think about who they are going to be.

I haven't been praying much lately. Life has been so hectic, and I just forget to...no, that's not true. I just plain haven't done it. I will say a little one here and there; to give thanks for something or to ask for strength when I'm feeling down. But I haven't REALLY prayed in a long time. Maybe that's what I need. I just need to fall down on my knees and let it all go. Maybe if I completely give in and unburden myself, I can find that happiness again. Don't get me wrong...I AM happy. But I feel like something is missing.

I had a Bible teacher in high school who was amazing. He once said, "Sometimes you have to be broken to be of any use to God." I wrote that down and taped it to my wall to have as a reminder. It's true, SO true. If you hold up the walls and refuse to see what is behind them, you won't allow yourself to be open to anything. Strip them down, kick the stones away, and admit what you truly are inside. Let God pick up the pieces and put them back together in a positive way...and be who you want to be, not who you think you should be.

My youth pastor once preached a sermon where he said, "Just lay down and let God do the work through you." Sometimes you just need to physically lay down to open yourself up spiritually. Close your eyes and let it wash over you. There's freedom in it and also peace. But we get so caught up in our everyday lives that sometimes we just push it away and pretend like it isn't there. But it's always there, hiding and waiting. Waiting for you to let it in and to free yourself.

Strength, patience, openness, freedom, peace...I want all of those things. So maybe if I can find prayer in my life again, they can find me again. Maybe that's all the push that I need to get to where I want to be again.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

And That's Just The Way It Is...

Do you ever have those times when you just feel so disconnected from everyone? I HATE that feeling, and I always have. I'm a people person, yet I'm a loner. It's hard for me to get close to people, and that's just because I tend to be cautious. I will answer any question that someone asks, yet I tend to shy away from offering up things about myself on my own. I'm just private like that.

People sometimes take that and think that I act like I'm better than others. I'm quiet and like to feel out the situation before I get involved. I feel like I'm pretty observant, and can read most people. But my downfall there is that sometimes I ignore what my gut tells me because I like to find the good in people. I assume that everyone has it somewhere inside, even if I can't see it right off. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong.

So anyway...at this point in my life, I feel a little lonely. Not because I don't have friends, because I do. I have some of the greatest friends a person could ask for. It's because I miss hanging out with them. My schedule doesn't leave much room for socializing, which sucks. And today, for some reason, it bothers me. It makes me sad that I can't just be spontaneous and call up a friend to do something random. Maybe I'm just feeling old today. I mean, come on. Get over it, Jen. You're not 18 years old anymore, and there is WAY more to life now than there was then. Maybe I just needed to type that out to remind myself :) Besides, life is amazing now and I couldn't ask for more.

Maybe another reason I feel that way is because I feel like I've been left behind. It's just hard to believe after putting so much into a friendship, that all of a sudden it's just over. Yes, I understand that I should just let it go and move on. And I guess in a way, I'm almost to that point. I just need to get it out a little more in order to do that. I guess I just feel like I did something wrong. Am I a bad friend? Is it because I tend to be so closed off? Maybe it's just that it was the time for it to be over and done. I just hate not having closure. I've always been that way.

So on that note, my randomness ( and negativity ;) ) is over for tonight. I feel better just getting it out of my head. Isn't it funny how therapeutic blogging can be :)

Friday, March 27, 2009

Just Random

Things I've come to realize lately:

1. Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, it is truly never enough. And that's ok. You've just got to find some peace in that and move on. Some things are not worth the worry or stress.

2. Things are not easy. If they were, life would be boring and you would have nothing to do.

3. True friends are very hard to come by. Sometimes you think you have found them, and then something happens to show you something very different. Again, it's ok. It may take years for a friendship to fizzle out, but if they are truly your friend, they/you won't let that happen. And if you put forth the effort and it still does, well...there's your answer anyway. It works both ways.

4. Hold onto your friends. You need them and they need you. Let the ones go that have proven themselves unworthy and hold on tight to the ones that need you as much as you need them.

5. Chocolate can solve most problems. It's true, I've experienced it over and over.

6. Coffee has the same effect, especially in my world :)

7. Music can reach out and speak to you in ways that people cannot.

8. Take pride in your work and always do your best. At least in the end if you mess up, at least you know in your heart that you did the best that you possibly could.

9. Kids have the ability to make you feel like the best person in the world. They don't sugarcoat things and are always honest. If only adults could do the same...

10. Love yourself. You are one of the most important people in your life.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A New Perspective...

So the last week or so has been very frustrating for me. It has been incredibly hectic and stressful as well as exciting and emotional. I had a lot going on at work, and in the midst of it all, I became an aunt to a beautiful little girl. Michelle gave birth to Abigail Reese Davy on March 18, 2009. After almost 12 hours of labor, she was born at 7:44pm and was 8lbs 2oz and 21 inches long. They are all doing amazing, and Abigail is proving to be laid back and loving her sleep. I love that I can share motherhood with Michelle now, and she can finally feel that unconditional love that steals our hearts when we have children. I'm so proud of her :)

I felt like 20 billion things had been dumped in my lap at work this past week as well, and I just couldn't seem to find that light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly, it all looked and seemed worse in my head, and PMS wasn't helping that any. But also, I felt a little taken advantage of and upset. I LOVE my job and what I do, but I sometimes feel like things get dumped on me that no one else wants to do. And sometimes, it's ok and I don't mind. But seriously...6 projects to take care of in 4 days is way too much. I didn't see how I could possibly get it all done, and it all be great and the way it was supposed to be. And until today, it was still frustrating me.

But then I heard something, and it made SO much sense to me. "It is not about the accomplishment, but the beauty in the effort." Wow. That's all I can say. Thanks to someone for applying that to my life right now. So who cares if I get it all done? As long as I put my best foot forward and try my best, no one can really ask for any more than that, right? Maybe all this stuff lands on me because my bosses know that I'll do the best that I can. Maybe they think that I will get it done, and it will be exactly what they want (which really isn't true b/c they are the pickiest people that I know, lol). Maybe when they give me things, they don't have to worry about it not getting done. I don't know honestly. But that's what I would like to believe. And if thinking that makes it easier for me to do, then what harm is there?

Anyway. The point of this is sometimes things don't end up the way that we want them to, even after we try our damnedest to do them. The beauty of the effort is seeing how much we care about it and the passion that we put into it. It's about believing you can do it, and it will be your best effort. It's about making something your own with your heart and soul, and giving it everything that you have inside. Because in the end, that is the greatest accomplishment of all.

Monday, March 16, 2009

What To Say...

I don't even know where to begin. So let me start by saying that we've been back in our own house for the past week. It's been great being home and having our space again, but it was also awesome staying with my parents. I feel totally reconnected with my dad again, and it's just plain nice. I FINALLY have everything unpacked, but I'm still working through getting all the built up laundry completed, but it's coming along. Wil has a new big boy bed and we finally retired the fire engine one. He's done great in it, and has only fallen out once so far ;)

Michelle should be having her baby any time now! She's been having some strong contractions, but she's just not dilating yet. Bless her heart, she's so miserable and ready. But she'll forget all about it once she lays her eyes on her beautiful newborn. I get a little teary just thinking about it.

Work has been crazy busy and again, I'm a little frustrated. But this too shall pass. I just have to remember that people, for some reason, forget that we have lives outside of the gym and we can't be there 24/7. A little understanding is all that I need but *sigh* they just don't get it. I'm ready for the summer.

I had parent/teacher conferences for both kids recently. Wil is doing amazing and his teacher says he's ready to start learning the sounds of the letters and putting them together to begin reading. WHAT?! So we've been working on that and he almost knows all the sounds of the alphabet. So this summer we'll be working hardcore to get him ahead of the game. Brooklyn is also doing awesome! Her test scores have come such a long way from the beginning of the school year. She's reading on a 2nd grade level and keeps improving by leaps and bounds. Her teacher is super impressed, so we'll keep working on that at home as well. She's doing great in math all on her own. So needless to say, I'm SO proud of both of my kids!!

Seth was FINALLY able to land a job!! I'm so excited and proud of him. It's not the best job in the world, but it pays well and he's just glad to be working again.

And I'm hanging in there. I'm a little emotional right now, but things always work out. So I'm putting my faith in that and keeping my chin up. Hope everyone is doing awesome out there and I'm glad to be back :)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Wow, What Has Been Going On...?

It seems like FOREVER since I've been able to get on here! And it's oh so sad that this is my first post for 2009 and it's almost the end of February. But my life has been pretty crazy the last couple of months, and on top of that my poor laptop bit the dust. The motherboard kicked the bucket, so I've been dealing with using other people's computers when I get the chance. Sooo, having explained that much, here's what's been going on...

Seth still has not been able to find a steady job which really sucks. But we're hanging in there, and he's doing what he can and little jobs keep popping up, so we're thankful for those while the hunt continues. And we decided months ago that our tax refund was going towards remodeling our house. We decided to stay with that plan, even though he's not working, because what better time for him to do that work than when a job isn't there to interfere. So for the past 2 weeks, we've been living at my dad and step mom's condo with them while he works on it. And if you've never seen the inside of my house, there's a reason why that is ;) It was my grandmother's house before it became ours, and it was really outdated. So as soon as it is finished, I will be tossing out invitations to come over! :) It's really coming together, and there's not much more to finish, but we're still looking at probably another week here because he got a painting job that will take up about 3 days, and we need that money. But it's been great getting to spend time with my parents, and the kids have loved it as well.

Work has been keeping me very busy as well. I just got done planning my 2nd meet this past weekend, and it was awesome! Brooklyn competed and did amazing as well, so we're super proud of her. I've got quite a few more events coming up in the next few months, so pray for my sanity :) I've also got my yearly review coming up on Monday, so my fingers are crossed on that as well. It's hard to believe that in March I will have been there for 3 years already!

On a sad note, almost 2 weeks ago my grandmother passed away. It was a blessing because she was in pain and her poor little body just couldn't take it anymore. But I was in the room, with lots of other family, when she passed, and it was incredibly emotional and heart wrenching. It was even harder to tell the kids the next day because I had gone up to the hospital that night to give her cards that they had made for her. It broke Brooklyn's heart, and she cried and cried. Wil is still a little young to totally grasp the concept yet, though, so it didn't really bother him. But it helped being here with my parents when it happened. And today Brooklyn and I made some chocolate chip cookies for Papa and took them over so we could visit for awhile. Bless his heart, he's been going to the cemetery everyday, but he's hanging in there.

I think the worst part about not having a computer is that I feel so disconnected from everyone. I guess it's sad when we depend on technology to keep in touch with one another, but that's just the way the world is these days. I try to text or call people, but everyone has their own lives too, and it's just hard. It's much easier to just leave a comment on myspace or facebook, and let people get back to you when it's convenient for them. But not having a computer puts a damper on that. So to all of you, I miss ya and hope things are going well for you. You're in my thoughts and I love you :) And if you want to do lunch or get some coffee, send me a text! And if you're ever totally bored, call me...if I don't answer, it's probably because I'm at work, but I'll call back :) So there's my desperate plea for communication...I'll leave ya on that note ;)