Monday, April 27, 2009

Questions That Are Always There...

So for those of you who don't know, I am adopted. The first question I always get when I tell someone that is, "Do you know who your birth mother is?" And when I say no, the next question is, "Have you ever thought about finding her?" Well, just so ya know...every person that has been adopted wonders that and has thought about it a million times :) It's not a constant thought, but always one that lingers right under the surface.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I go days and don't even think about being adopted. And then there are days when it's on my mind all the time. But when that happens, it's because something has triggered that thought. And tonight, it's there and so I thought I would get some of it out of my head.

There are some of us who get lucky and are adopted by people who truly wanted a child, but for some reason could not have one. I was very blessed, and had 2 amazing people who raised me. And I do often make references to and joke about "not sharing genetics with those crazy people", and I mean it, lol. But I wouldn't trade either one of them.

The thoughts that always circle, at least for me, are the reasons why. Why did she have to give me up? Was I not good enough? Was I considered an inconvenience or bad timing? Was I not worth the effort? And I will probably never find out the answers to any of these things...and sometimes that's ok.

Have I thought about finding this woman? All the time. I wanted to look like someone, as crazy as that might sound. But I had NEVER been told, "Wow, you have your mom's eyes" or "You look just like your dad!". And I longed for that..and still do. It makes me SO happy when someone tells me that one of the kids looks like me. It fills that hole inside of me that couldn't be touched before.

I even looked into starting the process after Brooklyn was born. But there is just so much involved in just finding out if your record is closed or not. And you had to get on a list...which, at the time, had a wait of 2 years. And after that 2 years, I would have found out if this woman wanted me to find her or not. Now that's a 50/50 chance there. I weighed my options and my emotions. I decided that it would probably more devastating to me find out that she never wanted anything to do with me, then OR now, than finding her and hearing those things personally. So as of me a coward. I just don't have it in me emotionally to find that out. And then maybe it's too late. Maybe she's dead and I waited too long and I'll still never have the opportunity to find the answers.

Anyway...that's that. The school year is almost over. My little Willie will no longer be a preschooler, but a kindergartner. My Brooklyn will no longer be a 1st grader, but a 2nd grader. What the heck?! Where has all this time gone. I'm so proud of them and love watching them grow and come into their own, but man...I want them to stay children forever.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week. I'll try to start updating the WifeSwap drama at work as well ;)

Friday, April 17, 2009


So it's been a really long day. It's almost midnight, and I'm trying to wind down...just to get up again tomorrow and go at it once more. My baby boy turned 5 years old yesterday, and I just can't believe it. Where has the time gone? Why does it continue to go so quickly? When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. Now that I'm here and have 2 kids of my own, I want it to slow down so that I can remember every little detail and remember who they were, who they are, and think about who they are going to be.

I haven't been praying much lately. Life has been so hectic, and I just forget, that's not true. I just plain haven't done it. I will say a little one here and there; to give thanks for something or to ask for strength when I'm feeling down. But I haven't REALLY prayed in a long time. Maybe that's what I need. I just need to fall down on my knees and let it all go. Maybe if I completely give in and unburden myself, I can find that happiness again. Don't get me wrong...I AM happy. But I feel like something is missing.

I had a Bible teacher in high school who was amazing. He once said, "Sometimes you have to be broken to be of any use to God." I wrote that down and taped it to my wall to have as a reminder. It's true, SO true. If you hold up the walls and refuse to see what is behind them, you won't allow yourself to be open to anything. Strip them down, kick the stones away, and admit what you truly are inside. Let God pick up the pieces and put them back together in a positive way...and be who you want to be, not who you think you should be.

My youth pastor once preached a sermon where he said, "Just lay down and let God do the work through you." Sometimes you just need to physically lay down to open yourself up spiritually. Close your eyes and let it wash over you. There's freedom in it and also peace. But we get so caught up in our everyday lives that sometimes we just push it away and pretend like it isn't there. But it's always there, hiding and waiting. Waiting for you to let it in and to free yourself.

Strength, patience, openness, freedom, peace...I want all of those things. So maybe if I can find prayer in my life again, they can find me again. Maybe that's all the push that I need to get to where I want to be again.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

And That's Just The Way It Is...

Do you ever have those times when you just feel so disconnected from everyone? I HATE that feeling, and I always have. I'm a people person, yet I'm a loner. It's hard for me to get close to people, and that's just because I tend to be cautious. I will answer any question that someone asks, yet I tend to shy away from offering up things about myself on my own. I'm just private like that.

People sometimes take that and think that I act like I'm better than others. I'm quiet and like to feel out the situation before I get involved. I feel like I'm pretty observant, and can read most people. But my downfall there is that sometimes I ignore what my gut tells me because I like to find the good in people. I assume that everyone has it somewhere inside, even if I can't see it right off. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong.

So this point in my life, I feel a little lonely. Not because I don't have friends, because I do. I have some of the greatest friends a person could ask for. It's because I miss hanging out with them. My schedule doesn't leave much room for socializing, which sucks. And today, for some reason, it bothers me. It makes me sad that I can't just be spontaneous and call up a friend to do something random. Maybe I'm just feeling old today. I mean, come on. Get over it, Jen. You're not 18 years old anymore, and there is WAY more to life now than there was then. Maybe I just needed to type that out to remind myself :) Besides, life is amazing now and I couldn't ask for more.

Maybe another reason I feel that way is because I feel like I've been left behind. It's just hard to believe after putting so much into a friendship, that all of a sudden it's just over. Yes, I understand that I should just let it go and move on. And I guess in a way, I'm almost to that point. I just need to get it out a little more in order to do that. I guess I just feel like I did something wrong. Am I a bad friend? Is it because I tend to be so closed off? Maybe it's just that it was the time for it to be over and done. I just hate not having closure. I've always been that way.

So on that note, my randomness ( and negativity ;) ) is over for tonight. I feel better just getting it out of my head. Isn't it funny how therapeutic blogging can be :)