Monday, April 27, 2009

Questions That Are Always There...

So for those of you who don't know, I am adopted. The first question I always get when I tell someone that is, "Do you know who your birth mother is?" And when I say no, the next question is, "Have you ever thought about finding her?" Well, just so ya know...every person that has been adopted wonders that and has thought about it a million times :) It's not a constant thought, but always one that lingers right under the surface.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I go days and don't even think about being adopted. And then there are days when it's on my mind all the time. But when that happens, it's because something has triggered that thought. And tonight, it's there and so I thought I would get some of it out of my head.

There are some of us who get lucky and are adopted by people who truly wanted a child, but for some reason could not have one. I was very blessed, and had 2 amazing people who raised me. And I do often make references to and joke about "not sharing genetics with those crazy people", and I mean it, lol. But I wouldn't trade either one of them.

The thoughts that always circle, at least for me, are the reasons why. Why did she have to give me up? Was I not good enough? Was I considered an inconvenience or bad timing? Was I not worth the effort? And I will probably never find out the answers to any of these things...and sometimes that's ok.

Have I thought about finding this woman? All the time. I wanted to look like someone, as crazy as that might sound. But I had NEVER been told, "Wow, you have your mom's eyes" or "You look just like your dad!". And I longed for that..and still do. It makes me SO happy when someone tells me that one of the kids looks like me. It fills that hole inside of me that couldn't be touched before.

I even looked into starting the process after Brooklyn was born. But there is just so much involved in just finding out if your record is closed or not. And you had to get on a list...which, at the time, had a wait of 2 years. And after that 2 years, I would have found out if this woman wanted me to find her or not. Now that's a 50/50 chance there. I weighed my options and my emotions. I decided that it would probably more devastating to me find out that she never wanted anything to do with me, then OR now, than finding her and hearing those things personally. So as of now...call me a coward. I just don't have it in me emotionally to find that out. And then maybe it's too late. Maybe she's dead and I waited too long and I'll still never have the opportunity to find the answers.

Anyway...that's that. The school year is almost over. My little Willie will no longer be a preschooler, but a kindergartner. My Brooklyn will no longer be a 1st grader, but a 2nd grader. What the heck?! Where has all this time gone. I'm so proud of them and love watching them grow and come into their own, but man...I want them to stay children forever.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week. I'll try to start updating the WifeSwap drama at work as well ;)

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