Thursday, August 30, 2007


So tomorrow is the day, I guess. My dad is going to a specialist at Vanderbilt and has asked me to go with him. He's been really emotional this week and I see that every time I look at his eyes. I know he's scared, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to give up.

My step mom had to take him to the doctor Monday afternoon because he was really confused about things and his breathing was really off. It started Friday night after he got home from those tests, but I just assumed it was because they had put him under two times in one day. That's a lot of medicine for your body to handle. But instead of getting better, it kept getting worse. They called it "hypertension". Because the mitral valve is not working, his brain isn't getting enough oxygen, and the confusion was the result of that. So here's my question, or my thought...whatever you want to call it. Since his brain wasn't getting enough oxygen, shouldn't they have kept him in the hospital ON oxygen? Or sent him home with some??? Just curious, but it makes sense to me. What do I know? I definitely have not been through medical school.

So anyway, that's the plan for now. See what this specialist says and hopefully schedule his surgery for next week. The kicker is we have to leave at 6:15am. So I'm working on figuring out a way to get Brooklyn to school without having to wake her up at 5:45am to get her somewhere. It will all work out, I know. So please pray for my dad, cross your fingers, wish on a star....anything at this point is appreciated.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Can't Get it Off My Mind

So tomorrow is the big day for my dad. He's having his arteriogram to see what's going on with his heart. It just scares me so much. An acquaintance of mine lost her dad this past weekend because of a heart related problems. Grant it, he was WAY worse off, but it just really hit close to home. My dad just isn't looking good and it worries me.

On a good note, there is no colon cancer. My dad has been taking aspirin for years for his heart, but there are side effects, which he was not aware of at all. He has 2 erosions in his stomach because of it and was bleeding internally. The doctor he saw told him he should have been taking something like Prilosec on a daily basis to counteract it. How was he supposed to know that?? It kind of pisses me off because I feel like we put our lives in these doctors' hands and some of them just couldn't care less. Why is that?

I'm not saying this is the case with them all because I've come across some incredible doctors over the years, but also some that don't care whether you live or die. Is it because they make money no matter what? I feel like you should be in your profession because it's something you are passionate about and because you want to make a difference. If you don't care about people, don't go into a profession that deals with people!! There are so many things that I want to do in my life and they all deal with people. However, I'm smart enough to know that I can't keep my emotions out of it or I would not be able to leave things at work. Therefore, I would be putting myself (as well as others) in serious jeopardy because of it. Not to mention my family. Anyway, the point here is...know what you're getting into!

I guess I kind of went off on a tangent there, but that's something I feel so strongly about. Anyway, as for the rest of my life...I'm just tired. I've been running around like crazy the last couple of weeks, trying to get things done. On top of that, my baby started Kindergarten. She's growing up, and it amazes me. She's loving school and that makes me so happy. I'm so proud of her and I'm excited to see the accomplishments that she will make in the coming years.

As for Wil, well...let's just say he's finally a big boy all the way around! We've been working on potty training for a big part of the summer, but I wasn't pushing him because I knew he would do it when he was ready. Well, this was his week. We've gone 3 days with no accidents and he's really proud of himself. My baby is no longer a baby. And as sad as that makes me, I'm so glad to be done with diapers and pull ups :)

I'm hoping to find some down time at some point to relax and unwind and not think about anything. And if all goes well tomorrow for my dad, hopefully I'll find that this weekend. I know that I was all over the place with this blog, but if you made it through it....thank you. Thanks for caring enough to read it and see what my rambling mind thinks about.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Thoughts on My Dad

So I have a lot on my mind today and I don't even know where to start. I guess I will just start with what is stuck in my head.

In October of last year, my dad had a heart attack. He's a very stubborn man and refused to acknowledge that something was wrong. That is until that one Saturday morning when he couldn't deny it. My sister took him to the ER, where he almost died. But luckily God was watching out for him. Then they moved him to Southern Hills for testing since that's where his doctor was at the time and it made him feel better being there. That was when they determined he would need open heart surgery for the second time. The first time he had it, I was in the 5th grade and he had quadruple bypass done. They then moved him to another hospital, but I can't remember which one at this point. That was a really hard time for me, and I think I blocked it out for the most part. I remember the day of his surgery I could not be there because of work. However, I figured it was better to be busy than to be there sitting and sitting and sitting. They estimated his surgery at being around 4 hours long. But when they got in there, they had to do a lot more repairing than they had originally thought. Almost 9 hours later, he came out ok. Of course he was on a ventilator so his body could rest, but he had made it. I went to see him a couple of days later in the ICU, and nothing could have prepared me for it. As soon as I saw him, I broke down. This was my daddy, my hero. The one person that I could always count on and I never doubted that he loved me. It was awful to see him like that and I prayed SO hard for him to pull through. At one point, the doctors didn't think he would make it, but he did. And after all that, he was still the same. Except he stopped taking things for granted. He's all about his grandkids and loves them with all his heart. And he calls me a few times a week to check on me as well.

So fast forward until now. He went to the doctor last week and he has to have another arteriogram and a colon scope. Ever since his surgery, he has had a hard time catching his breath. The doctor assured him that it was part of the healing process, but come on. It's been 10 months ago now and he should not still be having that problem. They think one of the valves in his heart may not be functioning properly and there's a chance of surgery again. As for the colon scope, well...that's another scary thing. His blood count is low, and my grandmother (his mom) died in 2000 from colon cancer.

I just hate this! My father is such a good man and I feel as though he's already been through his share of stuff. Why does it keep reoccurring? And I always know when he's worried because I get phone calls like the one I got on Saturday. "Jennifer, I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what happens. And if it does happen, you know what to do."

Know what to do?! Sure, some of it. He made a list of things to do if something happens to him and people to call and what bills need to be taken care of. But that's my daddy and I'm still his little girl, even at 26. I'm scared of him not being there. He's the one I turn to when I need advice about things in life that I'm still clueless about. And not only me, but what about my kids? They deserve to have the same relationship with him that I had with my grandfather, who is 79 years old and still alive. I feel a hole in my heart just thinking about it.

And I know this doesn't mean anything, but sometimes I get premonitions. Like when my grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer. I knew she was going to die. I know that sounds morbid and cruel, but I did. I knew when my uncle got sick a few years ago and had a brain aneurysm that he wasn't going to make it. And I hope and pray that I'm wrong this time. I hope that I'm just thinking the worst and it won't happen. I hope that all my worries are silly and they just go away and everything is fine. I just hope period.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Pleasing Yourself

So something I hate about life is trying to please everyone, including yourself. It is just not possible. Someone will always get hurt or upset by your decisions. There is just no way around it.

Over the last few years I have learned that all you can do is make yourself happy. If they are truly your friends, they will get past the hurt and understand where you are coming from. If not, well....oh well, I guess. It sucks and it's not fair, but you should not be made to feel guilty for things that you've thought about, prayed about, and simply struggled with over time. If you KNOW the decision is for the best, stand your ground! Eventually they will understand. Hopefully, anyway.

Everyone deals with things in different ways. My personal way is to close everyone out and hide in a "hole". Definitely not the best idea. So I've been trying to stay away from my "hole" and deal with things head on lately. Unfortunately, it has hurt some people along the way. To those of you it has, I'm sorry. It was never my intention, but it happens. And I am striving to be a better person and learn from my mistakes. Actually, I WANT to be a better person. Not just for myself, but for my kids. I want them to learn integrity and respect. But I also don't want them to be afraid to stand up for themselves. Growing up, I always thought it was wrong to do that, but it's not. You have to take the good with the bad, because it is in everything.

So be proud to be who you are and what you believe in and stand for! I'm not saying that it's ok to intentionally hurt people. However, sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy.