Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Things That Make Me Who I Am...

1. My kids (aka my life). They make me strive to be the very best person that I can be.

2. My husband (aka my soul mate). He makes me want to be better at things that I only feel mediocre at these days. And he loves me, no matter what I do or say..and I've been looking for that constant my entire life. My kids definitely fall into this category as well.

3. My friends (aka my soul). They keep me accountable. They help me remember who I am and support me through everything.

4. My family. Even though I don't feel as though they are as unconditional with their love as they should be, they are still there if I need them.

I've been feeling cynical and down lately. Sometimes I feel so alone and that the only people that I have are Seth and the kids. But then I realize that that is partly my fault. Why do I shut people out? I ask this question a lot, I know, but I can't help it. I don't understand what it is inside of me that makes me do it. And in all reality, yes...my family (when I say "my", I mean Seth, Brooklyn, and Wil) is more than enough. But I still need the support from my friends that I tend to push away. I still need that outside outlet.

My family (parents, sisters, etc.) has made me feel like such an outsider in the last months. I feel excluded and unwanted. And maybe that's where all of this stems from...I'm not sure. I know what I need to do is tell them how I feel, but it seems that whenever I do that, it gets brushed off and they make me feel like these emotions are unwarranted and silly. Maybe that's where all of this has started. We always used to be so close, and now they still are....just minus me and my family. Don't get me wrong; they happily include my kids...at least most of the time. And I'm glad for that. Otherwise I would cut myself off completely from them. I NEVER want my children to feel the hurt that I've felt over the years.

1 comment:

Ashley said...

I'm very sorry that you are feeling this way and can't possibly understand why anyone would intentionally make you feel this way...if that's the case. Regardless, I love you oodles and am always here...sounds cliche...but it's the truth, playa;)