So Many Thoughts...

My head is literally spinning right now. I don't know what it up or down, whether to look left or right, whether I should be thankful or break down. It has been quite a long day.

I got home from work tonight around 6:30pm, and about 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was my stepmom. She was concerned about my dad, so I asked to talk to him. But he refused, which is not like him at all. So I asked her what was going on, and she said he was having symptoms like he did before he had his heart attack a couple of years ago. So I tell Seth and head on over. My dad is in the kitchen, crying and shaking, swearing he's fine and refusing to go anywhere. So I called my mom, who is a nurse, to see what she thought. She asked some questions, but I had to tell her that I just didn't know b/c my dad wouldn't tell me anything. But he was forgetting things that he had said 2 minutes before and couldn't remember how to do simple things, like start the microwave. Yes, he's getting older but that's just not him. He got like that once before, again around the time that he had that heart attack. He literally wouldn't know where he was or what was going on. My mom said that it was probably due to his brain not getting enough oxygen b/c his heart wasn't pumping like it should.

So I called his cardiologist and left a message for him to call me back. When he did, I told him what was going on and he told me to get him to the ER as soon as possible so that he can check him out. And after I told my dad that, he agreed to go. By that time, my sister, Michelle, and her husband, Raymond, were there. I was SO torn. I wanted to go and be with him, but at the same time, I couldn't be stranded in Nashville b/c the kids have to go to school tomorrow and Seth can't get them there in his truck. So I hugged him, told him I loved him, and thank you for letting us help him.

So now here I am. Once again wondering what the outcome may be and should I have gone anyway, just in case? I mean, I honestly looked him in the eye and asked him if he wanted to die. And he could not look at me and tell me no. I love my father SO much, and cannot imagine my life without him. I can't imagine telling my children that their Pa is gone. And I don't want to.

I guess now is just a waiting game. I made my sister promise to call as soon as they got him in and settled. I can't even begin to describe everything that I'm feeling, but I just had to get this out. I can't talk about it out loud b/c I cry and get so emotional. So blogging is the next best thing. There are so many details, so many little things to say or ask or wonder about...