Blessed

I feel so blessed in my life right now. There are SO many things going wrong, and SO many things that I could dwell upon. But sometimes you just have to close your eyes and take a deep breath. That is what I have done lately, and it has been wonderful. If I can just ignore all the negative things for a few minutes, everything else comes back into perspective.

I am SO bless to have my family. Seth and the kids are the most important things in my life, and sometimes I forget how wonderful that one simple thing can be. No matter what I do or how I act, they love me. They can forgive me for being selfish and remind me why there is no need to focus on the things that bring me down. I am happy and as long as that stays first in my mind, nothing else can change that.

Things are falling into place, slowly but surely. Seth and I picked a song that screams out our relationship. I'm sure this may seem kinda generic to some, but "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts seems like it is written about us. We have been through so much together; we've been together, and we've been apart, but no matter what we have always been a team. He truly is my best friend and he always has faith in me. He believes in me and what I can do, even when I don't. He's always there to pick me up, even when he's part of the reason that I'm down. We have grown into adults together, and our relationship has only grown stronger because of it.

Anyway, I'm blessed and I'm thankful....and that's all that matters right now.

Evaluations from Within, Part 1

I have really done some soul searching lately. By doing so I have come to a very important conclusion. I do not like the person that I have become. This is not at all how I envisioned myself. It truly makes me sad that I have strayed so far from the path from which I intended to follow in my adult life. I understand that sometimes there are obstacles that get in our path, tangents that lead us astray. But where was it that I lost the way back? What has kept me from returning to the way that made me content with myself?

I wish I could pinpoint it, that thing that tripped me and made me fall to my knees. I wish I could remember why it is that I did not have the strength to get back up. What has made me crawl and be cowardly? What has made me hang my head in shame, to be someone that is afraid and unable to bring herself back to her feet?

These answers still hide in the shadows, taunting me and tossing out careless words here and there. And honestly, I do not know if they will ever become apparent. But in order for me to find that path again, the one where I can look straight ahead and have pride in my eyes, I have to find these answers. I have to face these truths and embrace them, no matter how painful it may prove to be. I have to dig deep and find the determination to be proud of who I am. But more importantly, I need to be proud of who I have become and who I will be in the future.

Bored..

Well, it's a Saturday night and here I sit. I don't mind being at home, I'm just bored out of my mind! So anyway, it gives me an opportunity to write about our Christmas. It was REALLY good for everyone. The kids got everything that they wanted, plus a lot more. It has taken me until today to get my house back in order, and it's still not as good as I would like. But one day at a time, right? :)

My mom got me a laptop, which I'm on right now. I love it!! The convenience of it it awesome. I also got a new printer too, which I have yet to get out of the box. I've got to find a place to put it first. But I'm very grateful and happy about it.

It has also been really nice to be off of work for awhile. I start back on Wednesday, but I feel like I've gotten the breathing room that I needed, and I'm refreshed. I got a job offer today, which is always nice. However, my bosses at my current job have done SO much for me, there's no way I could leave them like that. They have gone above and beyond what they have to do. We've had our rough spots, but who doesn't? I'm just grateful for what I have and where I'm at right now.

Life is going well right now. I've put all the financial stuff out of my head for now so I can enjoy my time off with the kids. I will worry about that again in 2008. Have a wonderful New Year!!

Recently...

Recently things have been good, which I guess is why I haven't blogged lately. Isn't it funny how we only blog when things are not going our way or we're down? And that's kind of an assumption because I'm sure everyone is not like that. But I certainly tend to be that way :)

My dad is doing so much better. He went back to the doctor for the first time since his surgery this past Friday, and he's like a whole new person. The doctor said to take advantage of this miracle because it's obvious God wants him here. In all truth, my dad shouldn't have made it through, but he did. So now he's going to make the most of it. He's finally past his bitterness, and he's got his sense of humor back as well. I can't ask for more than that. I'm just happy and thankful.

Some other things have not been so happy lately, but you've got to take the good with the bad. This time of year is stressful for everyone. We're struggling a little bit financially, but who isn't? And December always seems to be the worst for that because there's so much to do. However, I've only got a week left of work before I get a short break and I can't WAIT for that! I'm really looking forward to spending some time with the kids.

All in all, life is good. I can't complain about too much, and for once I really don't want to ;) I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas and happy New Year!!

Finally...

So my dad had surgery last Thursday, Nov. 15th. They put him in the hospital on the 13th b/c he needed a blood transfusion, and that delayed the whole process a little bit. The surgery took longer than they thought b/c of scar tissue from his other heart surgeries, but he made it. He has hit some bumps along the way and we've almost lost him a few times, but God is watching out for him and brought him through. I still can't get rid of this feeling, though, so I've been making sure that I'm up there everyday to be with him and help out any way that I can. They finally moved him out of ICU last night, so hopefully he will be home by Thanksgiving.

I just still feel so helpless. I wish there was more I could do and it frustrates me that I can't. I've really just shut myself off from people, and I continue to wonder why I do that. I mean, how hard would it be for me to call one of my awesome friends and tell them that I'm struggling and I'm stressed? It doesn't sound like it would be very hard, but it is. And then that brings me to wonder why I'm such a private person. I mean, I want to share things with people but I just don't. I don't want to draw attention to myself or the things going on. I guess I just want to be seen as strong and independent. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm just not; I'm too afraid to open up.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm EXTREMELY thankful that my dad made it through and is beginning to recover. He still has a long road ahead, but so far, so good. Thank you to everyone out there for praying and sending thoughts his way. I truly believe that it made all the difference in the work and it proves that the power of prayer is real. I'll try to keep the updates coming and try to keep them more positive ;)

Hectic

So life has been incredibly busy lately. Some things positive, some things not so much. However, what I CAN say is that we had a great Halloween. The kids looked great, they had an awesome time trick or treating, and we had a good time hanging out with family. Who could ask for more than that?

As for the rest of my life, there are so many things going on. I got offered a job promotion. I am now Special Events Coordinator and Assistant Gym Manager. I'm excited about these things. There won't be many extra hours unless we have something special going on, but it should be fun to plan things and watch things happen under my supervision. And the raise can't hurt too much either, right? Anyway, hopefully it all goes the way I expect.

As for my dad, I'm still frustrated. We're about 2 weeks away from surgery. I'm so upset by the actions of his cardiologist right now. He won't be performing the surgery (thank God!), but insists on seeing my dad weekly until the surgery. Now this is the same man who said there were no leaky valves and that my dad's breathing a few months ago was no concern. After seeing a specialist, his breathing WAS an issue and wouldn't have lived if they had not admitted him to the hospital and gotten the fluid off of his lungs and heart. And he has not one, but TWO leaky valves. They are doing surgery to repair his tricuspid valve and replacing his mitral valve. Anyway, today he had an appointment with my non-favorite doctor who displayed (at least in my opinion) very unprofessional behavior. Let me just say that I'm scared and this is MY father, so I expect answers to my questions in a professional manner. He originally said there was no cause for concern in waiting on the surgery, as we have been for the past month or so. But today he says he has to see him every 5-7 days to make sure that he doesn't have a heart attack before they get him in. WTH is that?! Then when asked what exactly the procedure is for him, he makes a big joke about it. We have not had anyone explain what exactly they are doing, and after all my research on the Internet about it, there are several options. Would it be so hard to just tell us??? I understand that doctors use humor to lighten the situation, and that's completely fine with me. But after that, explain to me what I want to know. He did not even give us that courtesy. And unfortunately, I was not there. If I had been, I guarantee a completely different outcome. I have so many questions with no one with the decency to answer them. I'm mad, frustrated, scared, upset....and the doctors should care! If no one else out there does, they should! They give us these terrible odds of him even making it out of the surgery, and then it's a joke. I just don't understand it. *sigh*

Swirling...

I know it's been forever since I've posted anything. I've just been frustrated with life, I guess. I have SO much going on and I feel like all my free time is tied up with every other part of life. But certain things are really getting to me and I just need to get them out of my head and put them down somewhere else.

My heart is just aching right now. FINALLY the doctors came to an agreement after about a hundred more tests. They are going to do the valve replacement surgery on November 14th. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad....REALLY glad. He's just not doing well and getting weaker and weaker. But because of all the stress his heart has been under in the last year, they only give him a 50/50 chance of even making it through the surgery. I just have that really bad feeling again, and I'm just praying that it's wrong. I can't stand the thought of losing my dad right now. It's just not a possibility....it simply can't be.

Work is going really well. I've found my groove there once again and I'm really enjoying it. The kids are also doing great. They're growing up so fast; I really wonder where the years go. How in the world is already almost Christmas again?! That means that we're that much closer to birthdays again and Willie will be 4 and Brooklyn will be 6. That just doesn't seem possible to me.

I guess that's really it for now. There hasn't been anything overly exciting happening. Just the same stuff, different days. Let's hope it stays that way. :)