So obviously I've been a little down lately, no big deal. We all hit our funks, it's just human. However, there's been something on my heart a lot lately. It's something that's very hard for me to talk about or admit to these days. And it's definitely not something that I am proud of either. But I don't know, I just feel like it's something I need to get out. And what better place than here? If you read my blog, you're more than likely someone that I'm close to and care about. And friends don't judge, right? Well, we can hope anyway ;)
I've always struggled with my weight, ever since I was little. There were always these girls that were skinny and beautiful, and I just was not. I started to slim down in high school because I was really active riding horses and playing volleyball, but still not to my standards. And then there was the dating scene. I feel for my daughter when she hits this stage, and I'm going to do my best to help her get through it and not feel the pressure that I did. Anyway, so I graduated from high school in 1999. I was by no means in the popular crowd, but I got a long with everyone. I had known most of my classmates for years b/c I went to the same school from preschool until graduation. At 19 years old, I really don't know what happened. I got into some bad stuff, but no one really knew about it. I developed an eating disorder (bulimia), and thought that was the answer to everything. And you know what? It worked. I dropped some serious weight, and I kept getting told how good I looked. But I was ALWAYS tired. I really didn't get any of the other side effects, though. I felt like I had it pretty well under control. Then Seth and I split up, and things got really bad. My dad figured it out and made me go to the doctor and see a psychologist. This didn't do anything for me b/c he didn't even talk to me about my eating disorder, so I just stopped going. Fast forward a little bit, and Seth and I are back together. I'm still purging, at least when I was eating. And that wasn't happening very often either. Then I got pregnant with Brooklyn, and it stopped. And it also started up again soon after she was born. Then came Willie, and it stopped again. But started up after he was born as well. Then one day, I just decided that enough was enough. I had 2 kids that depended on me, and I couldn't afford to do something so destructive to myself when these 2 people needed me more than anything. And yes, I have relapsed a few times but I've been able to pull myself out of the hole without anyone knowing.
My point is that yes, bulimia is a disease BUT it is also an addiction. It's something you feel like you need, just like nicotine. If you eat something or just too much, you get in a panic and you need to get it out of your body. That's how I would feel anytime that I would eat. And that makes for a very unhealthy relationship with food. And I love to eat, I always have. I just really have to watch myself so that I don't get into that mind frame again. It's hard b/c I've never had a fast metabolism and my weight has always been up and down. And I guess the whole reason for this post is that my weight is a little up right now, and I'm trying to stay away from old habits.
Now...the big question is, will I tell Brooklyn about this one day? I will if she asks me. I will in no way give her anything positive about this, but tell her instead of all the emotional wreckage it caused in my life. I just don't want her to feel like it's the only way. And maybe I'll get lucky and she'll never even have an urge to do it and she'll be strong enough to stand up against peer pressure. I just pray that my choices will never affect her.
So thanks for letting me open up a little bit here. I'm going to try to do it more often because it helps me grow as a person and also gives you a little insight into what makes me the person that I am today. If I offend anyone, I apologize. But the truth hurts sometimes, and if our experiences can help someone else out, then offending one person is a small price to pay, don't you think?
4 comments:
You're freakin' awesome...that's the jest of what I have to say:) We all have our issues, and it takes courage and accountability for you to mention yours...especially while being in a funk. I admire you...and heart you lots:)))
Big Hugs girl.
I would have never known this about you. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and I envied the way you looked at your wedding. I've always wanted to be tall and skinny, but my genes decided to make me short and a bit on the plump side. I've actually excepted the way I look just recently. After 3 kids I know I can't look like my high school years. In HS I barely ate. I was in sports, but I ate just to keep energy in me. If I would do that now, I couldn't keep up with life.
Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts here. If you ever need to talk, let me know. I have two good ears! =o)
wow girl! First of all you are one hot mama........weight no weight period. It matters more what is inside and girl inside you are just a big ball of caring, loving and aweomeness!
I'm so glad you opened up. It's so hard to do something but you did it and that's awsome!
Love ya girlie!
Oh Jen, first of all I think you are truely such a beautiful person inside and out! I think that being able to do what you have just done and admit to your "addiction" to your friends and family is a huge step forward in the healing process. Sometimes keeping a secret eats away at you and makes you feel even worse. I'm so sorry you are having to grow through this but I hope you know that you have a huge support system and I hope you will reach out whenever you feel you need it!! You're such an amazing person and I just know that you can and will overcome this and be a stronger person because of it!
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