Trying So Hard....

So I'm standing at the opening of my "hole", and I'm fighting crawling into it. After the last few days, that's where I want to go and shut the door. However, it's Christmas time and I can't do that. Actually, I could do it...but I WON'T do it. It's not fair to me or anyone else. I'm not going to dwell on the bad, but look to the good. But in order to do that, a great friend gave me some advice - "Empty your burden of thoughts." So that's what I am here to do.


As I mentioned in my previous post, Seth has been having a rough time. He did not get that job due to the "Economy", and has been beating himself up ever since. I told him that it's ok, don't worry...everything will work out, just like it always does. But he blames himself and doesn't feel like a "man" b/c he doesn't feel like he is providing for us. I am trying SO hard to be the positive one, and I can do it in front of him without problem. But when I get alone, and all I have time to do is think, it gets to me. I want to be strong for him, but sometimes I just can't do it. And I was really looking forward to these 2 weeks off, but now I wish it weren't here so that I could work and makes things not so stressful. However, being management means that I get a week paid, and then I can always go in and do other things. So we'll be fine; I honestly believe that.


On another note, I feel incredibly sad and guilty and grateful. I know, a strange mix of emotions for sure. But a friend of mine lost a child yesterday, and it is SO surreal and sad. This was an incredible little girl; a true fighter. She was born with a heart defect, and has been fighting for her life ever since. She had multiple surgeries and overcame many obstacles. But in the end, I guess her little body was just tired. She was only 2 years old. But her mom is an amazingly strong person. Throughout all of it, she always said how blessed she was to have Reagan and to learn from her. She was always so thankful for God giving her that little girl, even when she almost lost her on several occasions. So it is so bittersweet that she brought her into this world, and was holding her when God took her back. So please keep Debbie Kring and her family in your prayers; they need it right now.


Sometimes...do you ever just feel like a failure? Like there is more you could do and you just don't? I can't really explain my emotions right now, but sometimes they just hit so hard that I feel like the wind is knocked out of me and I'm down on my knees. Here is something that I had written back in my writing days, and it captures somewhat how I feel:

A fire still burns

It licks at my heels

It singes the edges

Keeping me moving at a rapid pace

Never letting air come between us.

If I slow

It engulfs me

To the very core of myself

And it takes hold

Squeezing until the rawness burns with numbness.

When I fall to my knees

I am completely defeated

I press my cheek to the cold earth

Trying to embrace all that I have lost

What I can never get back.

The flames slide over my body

Forcing me to scream in absolute anguish

To release any emotion inside of myself

To haltingly rise to my feet

And begin the endless cycle of life all over again.



This was basically my way of reminding myself that no matter how hard things are, there will always be harder things down the road. Life can be difficult, but don't close yourself off and don't hide your emotions. Let them out or they will burn you up inside. Dig down deep inside of yourself and find that strength to keep going. I guess I just needed that reminder.

Thanks, Ash. I just unburdened my thoughts.