Back to Square One

So my dad went back to the doctors at Vanderbilt this past Friday. They told him they were just going to lay it out for him. They have been reviewing his case for the past couple of weeks told him two things. 1. The medicine therapy isn't working as they had hoped, but they are willing to try a couple of other types. 2. They really prefer not to operate on the 2 leaky valves because his heart has been through so much in the past couple of years, that they don't believe he would make it through the surgery.

So where does that leave us? Am I just supposed to sit back and watch my daddy die? How is that fair? And not just for me...for my kids as well. I have SO many memories of my grandparents. They were there for everything growing up, and they continue to be a part of my life now as an adult. I want the same for my kids. I want them to have wonderful, fun memories of my dad, their "Pa". I can't imagine life without him.

I am a big believer in signs, even though that probably sounds pretty stupid. But I can't help but think that God likes to give us little clues along the way, to help us see what to is to come or how choices may play out. All I have seen today on TV is people dealing with the death of their fathers. I'm an emotional person anyway, but that's just too much. I have cried more this weekend than I have in the past 3 months. Insane, I know. I just can't help the feelings of loneliness and helplessness that have consumed me these past few days.

Now my next step is to write my dad a letter. To tell him everything that he has done for me and how much he has taught me. It is by no means a goodbye, but a reminder so that he knows what a huge influence he has been for me and continues to be on a daily basis. So that he knows what he has meant to me in my life and how grateful I am that God gave me him as a father. And how incredibly lucky I am that I was placed with him and my mom as opposed to someone else, where my life could have been completely different. I just want him to know how much I love him, need him, and respect him.