Evaluations from Within, Part 2

I feel a little better about who I am as a person recently. I have really tried to deal with my struggles head on, and I am truly striving to get back to that person that I want to be. Sometimes it's still hard, and I would rather hide under a rock than deal with certain things. But the more I step out of my comfort zone, the easier the next obstacle seems to be.

I have learned that I cannot sit here silently and assume that something I don't agree with will turn out the way that I want it to. People are not mind readers, and if I think they know what my opinion or view is on something, I'm just plain wrong. That is not how the world works. So I am trying to let myself be known instead of just going with whatever happens. I cannot allow myself to be mad about something that is in my control until I do nothing about it.

I am also trying not to take on too much, although right now that is pretty much impossible. I had a lot going on last week with work, and Brooklyn was on spring break as well. And I had already agreed to my responsibilities, so I just had to take it day by day. Although, I must add, that I was ready to scream by Wednesday. However, it all went extremely well and I proved to myself that I am ok under pressure and I can handle a lot more than I thought possible. And that gives me some pride in myself.

I am dealing with another situation that is a little more delicate. I am not by nature an confrontational person. But at times, I REALLY wished that I could be just that. I am really disappointed in a person, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. If I just let things ride and see what happens, then I'm not fixing anything. And that is how I always do things, and I'm tired of it. So we shall see if I find some courage somewhere to handle this.

On another note, I hooked one of my sisters up with a friend of Seth and myself. They are 2 great people who deserves someone to make them happy, and it seems as if this may work. I have not seen either of them this happy in years, and it seriously makes me happy for them. I hope they can make this last.

I think that's about it for now. Wedding plans are coming along as well. Less than 2 months to go! I'm getting pretty excited, stressed, scared, nervous...you name it, the emotion is there :)

Recent Thoughts & Fears

Sometimes the emotions just build. Like a wall, they stretch until they graze the blue sky. Fingertips gently skimming the wind, yet blocking it so that I can no longer feel the wind anymore. I close my eyes; I take a deep breath. The real question is, “Am I ready to open my eyes?”

Sometimes I think that I am. I feel as strong as the ocean. My waves are never ending, and that gives me power. When I open my eyes, I can just take it all in and be ok with it. The world does not seem so cold or so overwhelming. I can accept who I am and what life has made me to be. And it is not so bad.

Sometimes I know that I am not. I would rather just float in the darkness, oblivious to all that is me. I can pretend that things are different, and my life is not a shadow. That the dreams came true, and those are my reality. That I am still the person I once envisioned; the person who has pride and integrity. The person that I always thought I would be.

I remain in the shadows of that wall. Until I feel a hand gently take hold of mine. Intertwining our fingers, a little smile plays on my lips. You pull me against you, allowing me to feel your warmth and the security that I always have when I am with you. I lean my face upon your chest, and all the fears of who I am lift and fly away. I open my eyes and know that I am ok. With you by my side, the wind returns and flutters against my cheek. You make me who I want to be.

....

Man, what a crappy day! So it made me go through some more old stuff that I have written, so here's another one for ya.

Why can't I touch you?

I have no where to run when the world turns its back on me

I find no comfort

I see no smile.

I'm left here wondering

Waiting for something that will never come

Becoming what I swore I never would

With no help.

I need your words

I long to know your secrets

I pray for guidance

I hope that it will come someday.

What can't I know you?

I need a shoulder sometimes

Someone to listen to all my joys and pains

Someone who can be no one but you.