Thoughts on My Dad

So I have a lot on my mind today and I don't even know where to start. I guess I will just start with what is stuck in my head.

In October of last year, my dad had a heart attack. He's a very stubborn man and refused to acknowledge that something was wrong. That is until that one Saturday morning when he couldn't deny it. My sister took him to the ER, where he almost died. But luckily God was watching out for him. Then they moved him to Southern Hills for testing since that's where his doctor was at the time and it made him feel better being there. That was when they determined he would need open heart surgery for the second time. The first time he had it, I was in the 5th grade and he had quadruple bypass done. They then moved him to another hospital, but I can't remember which one at this point. That was a really hard time for me, and I think I blocked it out for the most part. I remember the day of his surgery I could not be there because of work. However, I figured it was better to be busy than to be there sitting and sitting and sitting. They estimated his surgery at being around 4 hours long. But when they got in there, they had to do a lot more repairing than they had originally thought. Almost 9 hours later, he came out ok. Of course he was on a ventilator so his body could rest, but he had made it. I went to see him a couple of days later in the ICU, and nothing could have prepared me for it. As soon as I saw him, I broke down. This was my daddy, my hero. The one person that I could always count on and I never doubted that he loved me. It was awful to see him like that and I prayed SO hard for him to pull through. At one point, the doctors didn't think he would make it, but he did. And after all that, he was still the same. Except he stopped taking things for granted. He's all about his grandkids and loves them with all his heart. And he calls me a few times a week to check on me as well.

So fast forward until now. He went to the doctor last week and he has to have another arteriogram and a colon scope. Ever since his surgery, he has had a hard time catching his breath. The doctor assured him that it was part of the healing process, but come on. It's been 10 months ago now and he should not still be having that problem. They think one of the valves in his heart may not be functioning properly and there's a chance of surgery again. As for the colon scope, well...that's another scary thing. His blood count is low, and my grandmother (his mom) died in 2000 from colon cancer.

I just hate this! My father is such a good man and I feel as though he's already been through his share of stuff. Why does it keep reoccurring? And I always know when he's worried because I get phone calls like the one I got on Saturday. "Jennifer, I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what happens. And if it does happen, you know what to do."

Know what to do?! Sure, some of it. He made a list of things to do if something happens to him and people to call and what bills need to be taken care of. But that's my daddy and I'm still his little girl, even at 26. I'm scared of him not being there. He's the one I turn to when I need advice about things in life that I'm still clueless about. And not only me, but what about my kids? They deserve to have the same relationship with him that I had with my grandfather, who is 79 years old and still alive. I feel a hole in my heart just thinking about it.

And I know this doesn't mean anything, but sometimes I get premonitions. Like when my grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer. I knew she was going to die. I know that sounds morbid and cruel, but I did. I knew when my uncle got sick a few years ago and had a brain aneurysm that he wasn't going to make it. And I hope and pray that I'm wrong this time. I hope that I'm just thinking the worst and it won't happen. I hope that all my worries are silly and they just go away and everything is fine. I just hope period.