Evaluations from Within, Part 2

I feel a little better about who I am as a person recently. I have really tried to deal with my struggles head on, and I am truly striving to get back to that person that I want to be. Sometimes it's still hard, and I would rather hide under a rock than deal with certain things. But the more I step out of my comfort zone, the easier the next obstacle seems to be.

I have learned that I cannot sit here silently and assume that something I don't agree with will turn out the way that I want it to. People are not mind readers, and if I think they know what my opinion or view is on something, I'm just plain wrong. That is not how the world works. So I am trying to let myself be known instead of just going with whatever happens. I cannot allow myself to be mad about something that is in my control until I do nothing about it.

I am also trying not to take on too much, although right now that is pretty much impossible. I had a lot going on last week with work, and Brooklyn was on spring break as well. And I had already agreed to my responsibilities, so I just had to take it day by day. Although, I must add, that I was ready to scream by Wednesday. However, it all went extremely well and I proved to myself that I am ok under pressure and I can handle a lot more than I thought possible. And that gives me some pride in myself.

I am dealing with another situation that is a little more delicate. I am not by nature an confrontational person. But at times, I REALLY wished that I could be just that. I am really disappointed in a person, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. If I just let things ride and see what happens, then I'm not fixing anything. And that is how I always do things, and I'm tired of it. So we shall see if I find some courage somewhere to handle this.

On another note, I hooked one of my sisters up with a friend of Seth and myself. They are 2 great people who deserves someone to make them happy, and it seems as if this may work. I have not seen either of them this happy in years, and it seriously makes me happy for them. I hope they can make this last.

I think that's about it for now. Wedding plans are coming along as well. Less than 2 months to go! I'm getting pretty excited, stressed, scared, nervous...you name it, the emotion is there :)

Recent Thoughts & Fears

Sometimes the emotions just build. Like a wall, they stretch until they graze the blue sky. Fingertips gently skimming the wind, yet blocking it so that I can no longer feel the wind anymore. I close my eyes; I take a deep breath. The real question is, “Am I ready to open my eyes?”

Sometimes I think that I am. I feel as strong as the ocean. My waves are never ending, and that gives me power. When I open my eyes, I can just take it all in and be ok with it. The world does not seem so cold or so overwhelming. I can accept who I am and what life has made me to be. And it is not so bad.

Sometimes I know that I am not. I would rather just float in the darkness, oblivious to all that is me. I can pretend that things are different, and my life is not a shadow. That the dreams came true, and those are my reality. That I am still the person I once envisioned; the person who has pride and integrity. The person that I always thought I would be.

I remain in the shadows of that wall. Until I feel a hand gently take hold of mine. Intertwining our fingers, a little smile plays on my lips. You pull me against you, allowing me to feel your warmth and the security that I always have when I am with you. I lean my face upon your chest, and all the fears of who I am lift and fly away. I open my eyes and know that I am ok. With you by my side, the wind returns and flutters against my cheek. You make me who I want to be.

....

Man, what a crappy day! So it made me go through some more old stuff that I have written, so here's another one for ya.

Why can't I touch you?

I have no where to run when the world turns its back on me

I find no comfort

I see no smile.

I'm left here wondering

Waiting for something that will never come

Becoming what I swore I never would

With no help.

I need your words

I long to know your secrets

I pray for guidance

I hope that it will come someday.

What can't I know you?

I need a shoulder sometimes

Someone to listen to all my joys and pains

Someone who can be no one but you.

Striking

So I found a bunch of stuff I had written back in high school and my early college years. It has been YEARS since I've written anything. Way back when, I hit writer's block. And then I had kids, so it was pretty impossible to even get my thoughts organized enough to put them down on paper. So anyway, here's something I wrote my senior year of high school, and it also happens to be one of my favorites.

Striking

Goodbye for now.

The whisper echoed as their fingers slowly broke contact.

The stares lingered

Their footsteps became slow and halted.

Her lips moved slightly as she backed away.

Her eyes could not leave the depths of his

Her skin still burned where his had touched hers so gently.

Her heart pounded in such anticipation.

He loved the way her hair carelessly blew across her face.

He ached to reach up and softly brush it behind her ear.

He longed to pull her close, to experience her heart beating against his in such rapture.

He needed to feel her breath against his cheek one last time.

The strangers passed, casting a glance at each other

The look that was meant to last for only a second

Lasted for a moment.

It continued as they kept walking their separated ways.

Lightning must have struck.

Blessed

I feel so blessed in my life right now. There are SO many things going wrong, and SO many things that I could dwell upon. But sometimes you just have to close your eyes and take a deep breath. That is what I have done lately, and it has been wonderful. If I can just ignore all the negative things for a few minutes, everything else comes back into perspective.

I am SO bless to have my family. Seth and the kids are the most important things in my life, and sometimes I forget how wonderful that one simple thing can be. No matter what I do or how I act, they love me. They can forgive me for being selfish and remind me why there is no need to focus on the things that bring me down. I am happy and as long as that stays first in my mind, nothing else can change that.

Things are falling into place, slowly but surely. Seth and I picked a song that screams out our relationship. I'm sure this may seem kinda generic to some, but "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts seems like it is written about us. We have been through so much together; we've been together, and we've been apart, but no matter what we have always been a team. He truly is my best friend and he always has faith in me. He believes in me and what I can do, even when I don't. He's always there to pick me up, even when he's part of the reason that I'm down. We have grown into adults together, and our relationship has only grown stronger because of it.

Anyway, I'm blessed and I'm thankful....and that's all that matters right now.

Evaluations from Within, Part 1

I have really done some soul searching lately. By doing so I have come to a very important conclusion. I do not like the person that I have become. This is not at all how I envisioned myself. It truly makes me sad that I have strayed so far from the path from which I intended to follow in my adult life. I understand that sometimes there are obstacles that get in our path, tangents that lead us astray. But where was it that I lost the way back? What has kept me from returning to the way that made me content with myself?

I wish I could pinpoint it, that thing that tripped me and made me fall to my knees. I wish I could remember why it is that I did not have the strength to get back up. What has made me crawl and be cowardly? What has made me hang my head in shame, to be someone that is afraid and unable to bring herself back to her feet?

These answers still hide in the shadows, taunting me and tossing out careless words here and there. And honestly, I do not know if they will ever become apparent. But in order for me to find that path again, the one where I can look straight ahead and have pride in my eyes, I have to find these answers. I have to face these truths and embrace them, no matter how painful it may prove to be. I have to dig deep and find the determination to be proud of who I am. But more importantly, I need to be proud of who I have become and who I will be in the future.

Bored..

Well, it's a Saturday night and here I sit. I don't mind being at home, I'm just bored out of my mind! So anyway, it gives me an opportunity to write about our Christmas. It was REALLY good for everyone. The kids got everything that they wanted, plus a lot more. It has taken me until today to get my house back in order, and it's still not as good as I would like. But one day at a time, right? :)

My mom got me a laptop, which I'm on right now. I love it!! The convenience of it it awesome. I also got a new printer too, which I have yet to get out of the box. I've got to find a place to put it first. But I'm very grateful and happy about it.

It has also been really nice to be off of work for awhile. I start back on Wednesday, but I feel like I've gotten the breathing room that I needed, and I'm refreshed. I got a job offer today, which is always nice. However, my bosses at my current job have done SO much for me, there's no way I could leave them like that. They have gone above and beyond what they have to do. We've had our rough spots, but who doesn't? I'm just grateful for what I have and where I'm at right now.

Life is going well right now. I've put all the financial stuff out of my head for now so I can enjoy my time off with the kids. I will worry about that again in 2008. Have a wonderful New Year!!