Finally...

So my dad had surgery last Thursday, Nov. 15th. They put him in the hospital on the 13th b/c he needed a blood transfusion, and that delayed the whole process a little bit. The surgery took longer than they thought b/c of scar tissue from his other heart surgeries, but he made it. He has hit some bumps along the way and we've almost lost him a few times, but God is watching out for him and brought him through. I still can't get rid of this feeling, though, so I've been making sure that I'm up there everyday to be with him and help out any way that I can. They finally moved him out of ICU last night, so hopefully he will be home by Thanksgiving.

I just still feel so helpless. I wish there was more I could do and it frustrates me that I can't. I've really just shut myself off from people, and I continue to wonder why I do that. I mean, how hard would it be for me to call one of my awesome friends and tell them that I'm struggling and I'm stressed? It doesn't sound like it would be very hard, but it is. And then that brings me to wonder why I'm such a private person. I mean, I want to share things with people but I just don't. I don't want to draw attention to myself or the things going on. I guess I just want to be seen as strong and independent. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm just not; I'm too afraid to open up.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm EXTREMELY thankful that my dad made it through and is beginning to recover. He still has a long road ahead, but so far, so good. Thank you to everyone out there for praying and sending thoughts his way. I truly believe that it made all the difference in the work and it proves that the power of prayer is real. I'll try to keep the updates coming and try to keep them more positive ;)

Hectic

So life has been incredibly busy lately. Some things positive, some things not so much. However, what I CAN say is that we had a great Halloween. The kids looked great, they had an awesome time trick or treating, and we had a good time hanging out with family. Who could ask for more than that?

As for the rest of my life, there are so many things going on. I got offered a job promotion. I am now Special Events Coordinator and Assistant Gym Manager. I'm excited about these things. There won't be many extra hours unless we have something special going on, but it should be fun to plan things and watch things happen under my supervision. And the raise can't hurt too much either, right? Anyway, hopefully it all goes the way I expect.

As for my dad, I'm still frustrated. We're about 2 weeks away from surgery. I'm so upset by the actions of his cardiologist right now. He won't be performing the surgery (thank God!), but insists on seeing my dad weekly until the surgery. Now this is the same man who said there were no leaky valves and that my dad's breathing a few months ago was no concern. After seeing a specialist, his breathing WAS an issue and wouldn't have lived if they had not admitted him to the hospital and gotten the fluid off of his lungs and heart. And he has not one, but TWO leaky valves. They are doing surgery to repair his tricuspid valve and replacing his mitral valve. Anyway, today he had an appointment with my non-favorite doctor who displayed (at least in my opinion) very unprofessional behavior. Let me just say that I'm scared and this is MY father, so I expect answers to my questions in a professional manner. He originally said there was no cause for concern in waiting on the surgery, as we have been for the past month or so. But today he says he has to see him every 5-7 days to make sure that he doesn't have a heart attack before they get him in. WTH is that?! Then when asked what exactly the procedure is for him, he makes a big joke about it. We have not had anyone explain what exactly they are doing, and after all my research on the Internet about it, there are several options. Would it be so hard to just tell us??? I understand that doctors use humor to lighten the situation, and that's completely fine with me. But after that, explain to me what I want to know. He did not even give us that courtesy. And unfortunately, I was not there. If I had been, I guarantee a completely different outcome. I have so many questions with no one with the decency to answer them. I'm mad, frustrated, scared, upset....and the doctors should care! If no one else out there does, they should! They give us these terrible odds of him even making it out of the surgery, and then it's a joke. I just don't understand it. *sigh*

Swirling...

I know it's been forever since I've posted anything. I've just been frustrated with life, I guess. I have SO much going on and I feel like all my free time is tied up with every other part of life. But certain things are really getting to me and I just need to get them out of my head and put them down somewhere else.

My heart is just aching right now. FINALLY the doctors came to an agreement after about a hundred more tests. They are going to do the valve replacement surgery on November 14th. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad....REALLY glad. He's just not doing well and getting weaker and weaker. But because of all the stress his heart has been under in the last year, they only give him a 50/50 chance of even making it through the surgery. I just have that really bad feeling again, and I'm just praying that it's wrong. I can't stand the thought of losing my dad right now. It's just not a possibility....it simply can't be.

Work is going really well. I've found my groove there once again and I'm really enjoying it. The kids are also doing great. They're growing up so fast; I really wonder where the years go. How in the world is already almost Christmas again?! That means that we're that much closer to birthdays again and Willie will be 4 and Brooklyn will be 6. That just doesn't seem possible to me.

I guess that's really it for now. There hasn't been anything overly exciting happening. Just the same stuff, different days. Let's hope it stays that way. :)

To My Daddy...

You chose me
You loved me without question
Opening your heart
As well as your life
All I could offer was me.

I was never perfect
Or even close for that matter
But you took my mistakes
Taught me how to learn from them
And forgave me, no matter how bad it was.

You are an incredible person
With compassion and grace
Opening my eyes to the world
Telling me it was mine for the taking
Believing in me.

I will always be your JennyBug
And your little girl
I still need you to comfort me
Assure me that life is never too much to handle
To always be there for me.

You have done your job
Taught me everything that I need to know
I am a stronger person because of you
My heart is open to others
My amibition to be something great
Is because of the man that you are
And the woman that you taught me to be.

Back to Square One

So my dad went back to the doctors at Vanderbilt this past Friday. They told him they were just going to lay it out for him. They have been reviewing his case for the past couple of weeks told him two things. 1. The medicine therapy isn't working as they had hoped, but they are willing to try a couple of other types. 2. They really prefer not to operate on the 2 leaky valves because his heart has been through so much in the past couple of years, that they don't believe he would make it through the surgery.

So where does that leave us? Am I just supposed to sit back and watch my daddy die? How is that fair? And not just for me...for my kids as well. I have SO many memories of my grandparents. They were there for everything growing up, and they continue to be a part of my life now as an adult. I want the same for my kids. I want them to have wonderful, fun memories of my dad, their "Pa". I can't imagine life without him.

I am a big believer in signs, even though that probably sounds pretty stupid. But I can't help but think that God likes to give us little clues along the way, to help us see what to is to come or how choices may play out. All I have seen today on TV is people dealing with the death of their fathers. I'm an emotional person anyway, but that's just too much. I have cried more this weekend than I have in the past 3 months. Insane, I know. I just can't help the feelings of loneliness and helplessness that have consumed me these past few days.

Now my next step is to write my dad a letter. To tell him everything that he has done for me and how much he has taught me. It is by no means a goodbye, but a reminder so that he knows what a huge influence he has been for me and continues to be on a daily basis. So that he knows what he has meant to me in my life and how grateful I am that God gave me him as a father. And how incredibly lucky I am that I was placed with him and my mom as opposed to someone else, where my life could have been completely different. I just want him to know how much I love him, need him, and respect him.

So Hectic!

That's my life lately for sure. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I can't even get my thoughts straight or take a deep breath. But here I am; I'm trying to sort it all out right here so that maybe I'll feel a little bit better.

So my dad was in the hospital for this past week at Vanderbilt. After doing TONS of tests and me doing TONS of research on the internet, there was no surgery to be done. I was not agreeing with this at all at first. The doctors said "the damaged valves are not weak enough for surgery right now". My response was "Who cares? If they're weak, shouldn't we go ahead and fix them now before something bad happens?" Well, actually...that must be why they went to medical school and I did not. They do not like to do more than 3 heart surgeries on any patient if it can be helped. Now, I know there are exceptions to everything. For example, my friend Debbie's daughter Reagan. But her situation is a completely different thing. ANYWAY. So they are trying some medicine therapy and we're hoping that helps them get stronger without having to go in again. Whatever. I'm just tired of it all. I'm going to admit defeat gracefully here, and pray to God that these doctors are right. What else can I do? If my dad accepts it, then I suppose that I have to as well.

I just feel beat down lately. Mentally, physically...all the way around. I've had a few other things going on lately as well, and people keep telling me to go to the doctor. Well, first of all, that costs money and there are bills to be paid. I think that's a little more important. Secondly, I think I'm just a paranoid person and nothing is wrong anyway. My life is hectic period. That's it. And I'm getting old, right? ;)

My great aunt also passed away this week. She was 94 years old and truly an inspiration. I haven't seen her in quite awhile, but I have awesome memories with her as a kid. She was the sweetest lady and led an amazing life. It makes me sad that my kids never got to know her, but that is no one's fault but my own. We get so caught up in our day to day routines that sometimes we forget to step outside of the box. And that's exactly what happened with me. I forgot to extend the routine. But it reminds to me to make sure that my kids plenty of time with my grandparents, who are getting older. I want my kids to have memories of them so that one day we can share those memories and smile at them.

We are also coming up on the anniversary of my friend Courtney's death. One year ago, on September 10th, she was killed in a car accident. She was only 21 years old. It's so crazy for me to think that it was a year ago. It doesn't seem like it should be, but at the same time it feels like forever since I've seen her. It still makes me sad when I think about her, and I wonder if that ever goes away. Is there peace anywhere out there? Thinking about it always makes me wonder why it was her time. Why didn't she get a few more years to discover what love felt like or what it would be like to be a mother? Why didn't she get a chance to reach her dreams or REALLY experience life? I know I could go on all day with the "whys" of this situation, but I can't help it. I find it to be so unfair, even though I know that God has a greater plan. I just think the world would have been a better place with Courtney in it. She was still learning and still teaching. She wasn't done yet.


So wow. This blog was ALL over the place, but that's how my mind has been lately. I guess I should learn to stick to one topic per blog, but that wouldn't be very much fun, now would it?

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the day, I guess. My dad is going to a specialist at Vanderbilt and has asked me to go with him. He's been really emotional this week and I see that every time I look at his eyes. I know he's scared, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to give up.

My step mom had to take him to the doctor Monday afternoon because he was really confused about things and his breathing was really off. It started Friday night after he got home from those tests, but I just assumed it was because they had put him under two times in one day. That's a lot of medicine for your body to handle. But instead of getting better, it kept getting worse. They called it "hypertension". Because the mitral valve is not working, his brain isn't getting enough oxygen, and the confusion was the result of that. So here's my question, or my thought...whatever you want to call it. Since his brain wasn't getting enough oxygen, shouldn't they have kept him in the hospital ON oxygen? Or sent him home with some??? Just curious, but it makes sense to me. What do I know? I definitely have not been through medical school.

So anyway, that's the plan for now. See what this specialist says and hopefully schedule his surgery for next week. The kicker is we have to leave at 6:15am. So I'm working on figuring out a way to get Brooklyn to school without having to wake her up at 5:45am to get her somewhere. It will all work out, I know. So please pray for my dad, cross your fingers, wish on a star....anything at this point is appreciated.