~Jen's World~

Something To Keep In Mind...

2010-08-16T05:23:00.001-05:00

8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-9;16-18

Maybe if I blog about it, it will get better...

2010-08-12T07:49:00.003-05:00

So about a month ago, something happened. Someone broke into our house and stole my laptop and $120. Out of everything in our house, that was it. So on some level, I feel fortunate. There are so many other things that could have been taken, but they were not. On another level, I am very angry and hurt and sad. My laptop had my LIFE on it! All my pictures, music, things I've done for work...GONE! Things that are irreplaceable. And what's worse is, I was planning on backing everything up the weekend that it happened...stupid on my part.

The problem with this situation is simple. I feel like it had to have been someone we knew b/c of what was taken and the time of day that it happened. I mean, come on. We have TVs, gaming systems, a desktop PC...and the only thing they took was my laptop and money from Seth. They knew what they wanted and where it was b/c the money was not in plain sight. AND they took the power cord for the laptop, but took out my iPod cord out of the computer and left it sitting on my desk. Really. Thanks for being thoughtful and leaving that, but with my laptop you took my iTunes...WITH ALL OF MY MUSIC FOR MY IPOD!

I am not a person who holds grudges by nature, but I can't seem to let this go. There are HOURS worth of work gone that I have to redo. I've slowly but surely been getting my music back. My pictures are completely and totally gone, and I'm STILL kicking myself. I am angry, hurt, disappointed..and I have no where to channel that. I don't know what to do with these emotions. And yes, it is over something semi-silly. But then again, it's not silly at all to me.

The moral of this story is simple: BACK UP YOUR COMPUTERS!! Then, at least, you'll have everything to put on another computer. And it's really sad when you feel can't trust anyone...b/c that's what got us into this in the first place. Someone took advantage of our trust and our loyalty. I can pretty much promise that it won't happen again.

Anything

2010-06-22T09:32:00.001-05:00

I lay here with my eyes closed, and a soft breeze whispers across my skin. I lay here thinking of you; the past, the present, and even the future. I see how far we have come, and yet we have so much further to go. The milestones, and even the obstacles, stretch before us. They sit there waiting for us to come to them; to pass them and leave them in our wake. But only to leave countless ones still on the horizon, still waiting patiently for us. And all we can do is continue on in hopes of finding peace and hope.

In the past there is pain and hurt. It has been caused by us all, and can never be undone. It will always be waiting in the shadows, hoping for one of us to bring one of them back into the light and use them against each other. Pettiness and greed, feelings forgotten and discarded. The sadness can be overwhelming, but only if we let it. In the corner of that place, there is also hope and forgiveness. A longing to move on and to forget. But they say that we can never forget. We can only hope to forgive and move past it.

There is also love and happiness resting in the past. Smiles shining brightly, attempting to overcome and erase the pain. Those are the milestones that keep us going, reminding us that there is more than anger and tears. There is love that runs deeply and passionately, rolling over us and giving us hope and faith in each other.

The present is a mixture of both trials and joy. While it seems that there is always grief and heartache, there is also excitement and contentment. When that one door closes, we are promised another one to be opened. But you have to be willing to let it open for you. You need an open heart and mind, a willingness to put one foot in front of the other, even with the darkness trying to close it in your face. Fall to your knees; allow the goodness to overcome the evil.

The future waits for us, untold and wondering. I’ll take your hand and hold it. I’ll give you the strength that you need, but I need yours in return. Alone we are only half of the force we could be. Together we can conquer all. We can pass by those obstacles and only visit the milestones. We can leave the blame and hurt feelings behind. We can focus on the love and trust we share together. We can find that happiness that no one believes exists anymore.

So as I lay here with my eyes closed, knowing that there are things to come, I smile. The breeze flutters once more, reminding me of reality and that I am never truly alone. My heart is full and beating quickly in anticipation. Just know that together, anything is possible. We defy the odds that others gave us.

Things That Make Me Who I Am...

2009-09-22T11:33:00.003-05:00

1. My kids (aka my life). They make me strive to be the very best person that I can be.

2. My husband (aka my soul mate). He makes me want to be better at things that I only feel mediocre at these days. And he loves me, no matter what I do or say..and I've been looking for that constant my entire life. My kids definitely fall into this category as well.

3. My friends (aka my soul). They keep me accountable. They help me remember who I am and support me through everything.

4. My family. Even though I don't feel as though they are as unconditional with their love as they should be, they are still there if I need them.

I've been feeling cynical and down lately. Sometimes I feel so alone and that the only people that I have are Seth and the kids. But then I realize that that is partly my fault. Why do I shut people out? I ask this question a lot, I know, but I can't help it. I don't understand what it is inside of me that makes me do it. And in all reality, yes...my family (when I say "my", I mean Seth, Brooklyn, and Wil) is more than enough. But I still need the support from my friends that I tend to push away. I still need that outside outlet.

My family (parents, sisters, etc.) has made me feel like such an outsider in the last months. I feel excluded and unwanted. And maybe that's where all of this stems from...I'm not sure. I know what I need to do is tell them how I feel, but it seems that whenever I do that, it gets brushed off and they make me feel like these emotions are unwarranted and silly. Maybe that's where all of this has started. We always used to be so close, and now they still are....just minus me and my family. Don't get me wrong; they happily include my kids...at least most of the time. And I'm glad for that. Otherwise I would cut myself off completely from them. I NEVER want my children to feel the hurt that I've felt over the years.

Things I Want...

2009-05-22T08:20:00.003-05:00

So I've fallen off the planet a little bit lately. Everything has been crazy, and I've shut myself out of the social circle for awhile. But in light of all the events lately, there's been something on my mind and on my heart. I want to make sure that my kids know what I want for them out of life, especially if, God forbid, anything happen to me and I'm not here to tell them myself. So here goes....

1. Be passionate. I want you both to find something in life that you can be passionate about and go at with full force. I've been passionate about quite a few things in my life such as horses, volleyball, writing, and finally...my family. You 2 make my life worth living and you get me through all the hard days. So find that something and hold onto it.

2. Be forgiving. Sometimes this is a hard one, but it's so important. Don't hang on to silly things and let them get in the way. Please understand that people do not always make the right choices in life, but they need someone to realize this and help them. It's easy to stay mad at someone, but it shows true character to forgive and move on from it. Always do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

3. Have a sense of humor. Life can be made a little less harsh with some laughter. Try to always find the bright side of things and humor in situations whenever possible. It may not always be there, but if you dig deep enough...anything is possible.

4. Find love. Love is the greatest emotion, as well as the hardest and most frustrating. But wow! When you find it, it will blow you away and it won't let you go. The only person I have ever loved is your dad, but I love him to the best of my ability. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for him. And I would do the same for you.

5. Be happy. Again, it's not always the easiest thing to do, but it's worth the fight to find it. You can only be happy if you let yourself, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. I've been through some dark times in my life where I did not know if there would ever be happiness again. But I always perservered and it's always been there waiting for me. Just leave yourself open to it.

6. Don't second guess yourselves! You know yourself better than anyone else, and you know what is right and what is wrong. There will always be someone to help you along the way, but in the end...think about you and what you need and want.

7. Love yourself no matter what. If you don't love yourself, no one else can either. You are amazing people and the world deserves to see that.

8. Have faith. If ever you feel like you have hit rock bottom, close your eyes and know that there is no where else to go but up. Let God into your life and let Him help you. Pray and be humble.

9. Remember who your true friends are in this life. You will come across people and you will think that they are your friends. But sometimes that is not always the case. Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people who will always stand by you and not leave you alone when times get tough. I've been VERY blessed with the friends that I have, and I would not trade them for anything. They are people who are strong, supportive, and always there for me...even if I go a month without talking to them. Those are the ones who will be by your side in your darkest moment or your happiest day.

10. Know that I will always love you, no matter what. You can make mistakes because that's how you learn. I will NEVER make you feel like you are not good enough or that you are alone. I will love you because you are Brooklyn and Wil, the lights of my life. And if ever you are feeling completely alone and feel there is no one else, I pray that you know you can come to me with anything.

11. Always love one another. If ever there is someone who will be there for you, it will be your brother or your sister. Always stay close to each other and never lose contact. I hope you have a relationship like your daddy and Aunt Angel do because they would do anything for the other one. And you need that rock in your lives.

This only scratches the surface of what I want to say, but you get the general idea. Brooklyn and Wil, you changed my life and changed me for the better. I never thought that I would make a good mom, but you make me feel like I could change the world if I wanted to. I love you :)

To Be Grateful...

2009-05-14T12:53:00.002-05:00

I am SO grateful for my family. I am also so grateful for our health and to be able to be together with no one trying to interfere. And for anyone who does not have that joy, I feel a deep pain and sorrow.

A friend of mine lost her husband to cancer today. He has been fighting it for awhile, but unfortunately...it spread and there was nothing that could be done. He was only 21 years old, and it makes me SO sad that he will not be able to watch his little boy, Zane, grow up and become a man.

And it also makes me wonder how poor Jessica could be so strong when the outcome was inevitable. I know it was hard, and I know that no one knows their real strength until it is put to the test. But to know that you are going to lose someone, no matter what you do...I just cannot even begin to fathom that. And I pray that I will never have to endure that. And guiltily, I feel relieved and thankful that my husband and kids are fine and beautiful and healthy.

On another note, I do want to talk about amazing my husband can be. Last week I was feeling exhausted, run down, and weary...physically, mentally, emotionally...and he saw this. And he asked me what was wrong. I told him that nothing was wrong, and he told me to quit lying to him. Now Seth doesn't do emotional very well, and he'll tell you that. So what I said to him was this, "I don't talk to you about these things b/c I know you don't like to deal with them. But I feel like I'm down on my knees right now and I can't get up. Everything is piling up and I just don't know how to get through it. I just want to run away b/c I don't feel like I have the strength to deal with it all." And he says to me, "This is what marriage is about. I'm your other half, and I'm here to carry you when you can't do it alone. But if you don't let me, I can't be there for you." And things have been blissful ever since. I love him for who he is and what he does for me and how he loves me (even when I don't feel like I can be loved). And I'm thankful for him every day. Plus he gave me the 2 best kids ever...and that's an even better reason :)

Where Does The Time Go??

2009-05-08T21:18:00.003-05:00

Life is just going by so quickly these days! Here are some of the recent highlights:

1. We had our Fun Meet at work last weekend, and it was oh so adorable :) We hit quite a few snags a long the way, but it all came together in the end. And that's all that matters....it's all about the beauty of the effort.

2. I registered my big boy for kindergarten! REALLY?!? I just don't understand how it is already time for that! It's not fair :( But he truly is ready and completely excited...so who I am to rain on his parade?

3. I am planning my final event for the year...thank GOD! I'm ready for all the stress to be over and done. My last All Star Meet will happen next weekend, and then I should be done until December. It's a big one, so cross your fingers for me!!

4. Well, it hasn't happened yet...but Seth and I are having our 1 year anniversary on Sunday! Again, REALLY?!? This year has FLOWN by and I can't believe we're about to start a new one. In September, we will have been together for 10 years...and it's also my 10 year reunion for high school. Man, I'm getting old :)

5. I'm trying to be more positive, but it's really hard when it's raining all the time and I'm super tired. However, the effort and want is there.

6. Finally, WifeSwap is OVER!!!!! What started out as exciting turned into a royal pain in the butt, and emotionally draining for my poor bosses. But that's a post in and of itself. I'll try to get the whole story down soon. But for those who want to watch, it should be airing 4 weeks from today.

And that's that for now :)

Questions That Are Always There...

2009-04-27T21:47:00.003-05:00

So for those of you who don't know, I am adopted. The first question I always get when I tell someone that is, "Do you know who your birth mother is?" And when I say no, the next question is, "Have you ever thought about finding her?" Well, just so ya know...every person that has been adopted wonders that and has thought about it a million times :) It's not a constant thought, but always one that lingers right under the surface.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I go days and don't even think about being adopted. And then there are days when it's on my mind all the time. But when that happens, it's because something has triggered that thought. And tonight, it's there and so I thought I would get some of it out of my head.

There are some of us who get lucky and are adopted by people who truly wanted a child, but for some reason could not have one. I was very blessed, and had 2 amazing people who raised me. And I do often make references to and joke about "not sharing genetics with those crazy people", and I mean it, lol. But I wouldn't trade either one of them.

The thoughts that always circle, at least for me, are the reasons why. Why did she have to give me up? Was I not good enough? Was I considered an inconvenience or bad timing? Was I not worth the effort? And I will probably never find out the answers to any of these things...and sometimes that's ok.

Have I thought about finding this woman? All the time. I wanted to look like someone, as crazy as that might sound. But I had NEVER been told, "Wow, you have your mom's eyes" or "You look just like your dad!". And I longed for that..and still do. It makes me SO happy when someone tells me that one of the kids looks like me. It fills that hole inside of me that couldn't be touched before.

I even looked into starting the process after Brooklyn was born. But there is just so much involved in just finding out if your record is closed or not. And you had to get on a list...which, at the time, had a wait of 2 years. And after that 2 years, I would have found out if this woman wanted me to find her or not. Now that's a 50/50 chance there. I weighed my options and my emotions. I decided that it would probably more devastating to me find out that she never wanted anything to do with me, then OR now, than finding her and hearing those things personally. So as of now...call me a coward. I just don't have it in me emotionally to find that out. And then maybe it's too late. Maybe she's dead and I waited too long and I'll still never have the opportunity to find the answers.

Anyway...that's that. The school year is almost over. My little Willie will no longer be a preschooler, but a kindergartner. My Brooklyn will no longer be a 1st grader, but a 2nd grader. What the heck?! Where has all this time gone. I'm so proud of them and love watching them grow and come into their own, but man...I want them to stay children forever.

Hope everyone has a fantastic week. I'll try to start updating the WifeSwap drama at work as well ;)

Reflective...

2009-04-17T23:42:00.003-05:00

So it's been a really long day. It's almost midnight, and I'm trying to wind down...just to get up again tomorrow and go at it once more. My baby boy turned 5 years old yesterday, and I just can't believe it. Where has the time gone? Why does it continue to go so quickly? When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. Now that I'm here and have 2 kids of my own, I want it to slow down so that I can remember every little detail and remember who they were, who they are, and think about who they are going to be.

I haven't been praying much lately. Life has been so hectic, and I just forget to...no, that's not true. I just plain haven't done it. I will say a little one here and there; to give thanks for something or to ask for strength when I'm feeling down. But I haven't REALLY prayed in a long time. Maybe that's what I need. I just need to fall down on my knees and let it all go. Maybe if I completely give in and unburden myself, I can find that happiness again. Don't get me wrong...I AM happy. But I feel like something is missing.

I had a Bible teacher in high school who was amazing. He once said, "Sometimes you have to be broken to be of any use to God." I wrote that down and taped it to my wall to have as a reminder. It's true, SO true. If you hold up the walls and refuse to see what is behind them, you won't allow yourself to be open to anything. Strip them down, kick the stones away, and admit what you truly are inside. Let God pick up the pieces and put them back together in a positive way...and be who you want to be, not who you think you should be.

My youth pastor once preached a sermon where he said, "Just lay down and let God do the work through you." Sometimes you just need to physically lay down to open yourself up spiritually. Close your eyes and let it wash over you. There's freedom in it and also peace. But we get so caught up in our everyday lives that sometimes we just push it away and pretend like it isn't there. But it's always there, hiding and waiting. Waiting for you to let it in and to free yourself.

Strength, patience, openness, freedom, peace...I want all of those things. So maybe if I can find prayer in my life again, they can find me again. Maybe that's all the push that I need to get to where I want to be again.

And That's Just The Way It Is...

2009-04-05T21:50:00.003-05:00

Do you ever have those times when you just feel so disconnected from everyone? I HATE that feeling, and I always have. I'm a people person, yet I'm a loner. It's hard for me to get close to people, and that's just because I tend to be cautious. I will answer any question that someone asks, yet I tend to shy away from offering up things about myself on my own. I'm just private like that.

People sometimes take that and think that I act like I'm better than others. I'm quiet and like to feel out the situation before I get involved. I feel like I'm pretty observant, and can read most people. But my downfall there is that sometimes I ignore what my gut tells me because I like to find the good in people. I assume that everyone has it somewhere inside, even if I can't see it right off. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong.

So anyway...at this point in my life, I feel a little lonely. Not because I don't have friends, because I do. I have some of the greatest friends a person could ask for. It's because I miss hanging out with them. My schedule doesn't leave much room for socializing, which sucks. And today, for some reason, it bothers me. It makes me sad that I can't just be spontaneous and call up a friend to do something random. Maybe I'm just feeling old today. I mean, come on. Get over it, Jen. You're not 18 years old anymore, and there is WAY more to life now than there was then. Maybe I just needed to type that out to remind myself :) Besides, life is amazing now and I couldn't ask for more.

Maybe another reason I feel that way is because I feel like I've been left behind. It's just hard to believe after putting so much into a friendship, that all of a sudden it's just over. Yes, I understand that I should just let it go and move on. And I guess in a way, I'm almost to that point. I just need to get it out a little more in order to do that. I guess I just feel like I did something wrong. Am I a bad friend? Is it because I tend to be so closed off? Maybe it's just that it was the time for it to be over and done. I just hate not having closure. I've always been that way.

So on that note, my randomness ( and negativity ;) ) is over for tonight. I feel better just getting it out of my head. Isn't it funny how therapeutic blogging can be :)

Just Random

2009-03-27T09:55:00.002-05:00

Things I've come to realize lately:

1. Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, it is truly never enough. And that's ok. You've just got to find some peace in that and move on. Some things are not worth the worry or stress.

2. Things are not easy. If they were, life would be boring and you would have nothing to do.

3. True friends are very hard to come by. Sometimes you think you have found them, and then something happens to show you something very different. Again, it's ok. It may take years for a friendship to fizzle out, but if they are truly your friend, they/you won't let that happen. And if you put forth the effort and it still does, well...there's your answer anyway. It works both ways.

4. Hold onto your friends. You need them and they need you. Let the ones go that have proven themselves unworthy and hold on tight to the ones that need you as much as you need them.

5. Chocolate can solve most problems. It's true, I've experienced it over and over.

6. Coffee has the same effect, especially in my world :)

7. Music can reach out and speak to you in ways that people cannot.

8. Take pride in your work and always do your best. At least in the end if you mess up, at least you know in your heart that you did the best that you possibly could.

9. Kids have the ability to make you feel like the best person in the world. They don't sugarcoat things and are always honest. If only adults could do the same...

10. Love yourself. You are one of the most important people in your life.

A New Perspective...

2009-03-23T21:05:00.002-05:00

So the last week or so has been very frustrating for me. It has been incredibly hectic and stressful as well as exciting and emotional. I had a lot going on at work, and in the midst of it all, I became an aunt to a beautiful little girl. Michelle gave birth to Abigail Reese Davy on March 18, 2009. After almost 12 hours of labor, she was born at 7:44pm and was 8lbs 2oz and 21 inches long. They are all doing amazing, and Abigail is proving to be laid back and loving her sleep. I love that I can share motherhood with Michelle now, and she can finally feel that unconditional love that steals our hearts when we have children. I'm so proud of her :)

I felt like 20 billion things had been dumped in my lap at work this past week as well, and I just couldn't seem to find that light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly, it all looked and seemed worse in my head, and PMS wasn't helping that any. But also, I felt a little taken advantage of and upset. I LOVE my job and what I do, but I sometimes feel like things get dumped on me that no one else wants to do. And sometimes, it's ok and I don't mind. But seriously...6 projects to take care of in 4 days is way too much. I didn't see how I could possibly get it all done, and it all be great and the way it was supposed to be. And until today, it was still frustrating me.

But then I heard something, and it made SO much sense to me. "It is not about the accomplishment, but the beauty in the effort." Wow. That's all I can say. Thanks to someone for applying that to my life right now. So who cares if I get it all done? As long as I put my best foot forward and try my best, no one can really ask for any more than that, right? Maybe all this stuff lands on me because my bosses know that I'll do the best that I can. Maybe they think that I will get it done, and it will be exactly what they want (which really isn't true b/c they are the pickiest people that I know, lol). Maybe when they give me things, they don't have to worry about it not getting done. I don't know honestly. But that's what I would like to believe. And if thinking that makes it easier for me to do, then what harm is there?

Anyway. The point of this is sometimes things don't end up the way that we want them to, even after we try our damnedest to do them. The beauty of the effort is seeing how much we care about it and the passion that we put into it. It's about believing you can do it, and it will be your best effort. It's about making something your own with your heart and soul, and giving it everything that you have inside. Because in the end, that is the greatest accomplishment of all.

What To Say...

2009-03-16T13:13:00.003-05:00

I don't even know where to begin. So let me start by saying that we've been back in our own house for the past week. It's been great being home and having our space again, but it was also awesome staying with my parents. I feel totally reconnected with my dad again, and it's just plain nice. I FINALLY have everything unpacked, but I'm still working through getting all the built up laundry completed, but it's coming along. Wil has a new big boy bed and we finally retired the fire engine one. He's done great in it, and has only fallen out once so far ;)

Michelle should be having her baby any time now! She's been having some strong contractions, but she's just not dilating yet. Bless her heart, she's so miserable and ready. But she'll forget all about it once she lays her eyes on her beautiful newborn. I get a little teary just thinking about it.

Work has been crazy busy and again, I'm a little frustrated. But this too shall pass. I just have to remember that people, for some reason, forget that we have lives outside of the gym and we can't be there 24/7. A little understanding is all that I need but *sigh* they just don't get it. I'm ready for the summer.

I had parent/teacher conferences for both kids recently. Wil is doing amazing and his teacher says he's ready to start learning the sounds of the letters and putting them together to begin reading. WHAT?! So we've been working on that and he almost knows all the sounds of the alphabet. So this summer we'll be working hardcore to get him ahead of the game. Brooklyn is also doing awesome! Her test scores have come such a long way from the beginning of the school year. She's reading on a 2nd grade level and keeps improving by leaps and bounds. Her teacher is super impressed, so we'll keep working on that at home as well. She's doing great in math all on her own. So needless to say, I'm SO proud of both of my kids!!

Seth was FINALLY able to land a job!! I'm so excited and proud of him. It's not the best job in the world, but it pays well and he's just glad to be working again.

And I'm hanging in there. I'm a little emotional right now, but things always work out. So I'm putting my faith in that and keeping my chin up. Hope everyone is doing awesome out there and I'm glad to be back :)

Wow, What Has Been Going On...?

2009-02-21T21:31:00.002-06:00

It seems like FOREVER since I've been able to get on here! And it's oh so sad that this is my first post for 2009 and it's almost the end of February. But my life has been pretty crazy the last couple of months, and on top of that my poor laptop bit the dust. The motherboard kicked the bucket, so I've been dealing with using other people's computers when I get the chance. Sooo, having explained that much, here's what's been going on...

Seth still has not been able to find a steady job which really sucks. But we're hanging in there, and he's doing what he can and little jobs keep popping up, so we're thankful for those while the hunt continues. And we decided months ago that our tax refund was going towards remodeling our house. We decided to stay with that plan, even though he's not working, because what better time for him to do that work than when a job isn't there to interfere. So for the past 2 weeks, we've been living at my dad and step mom's condo with them while he works on it. And if you've never seen the inside of my house, there's a reason why that is ;) It was my grandmother's house before it became ours, and it was really outdated. So as soon as it is finished, I will be tossing out invitations to come over! :) It's really coming together, and there's not much more to finish, but we're still looking at probably another week here because he got a painting job that will take up about 3 days, and we need that money. But it's been great getting to spend time with my parents, and the kids have loved it as well.

Work has been keeping me very busy as well. I just got done planning my 2nd meet this past weekend, and it was awesome! Brooklyn competed and did amazing as well, so we're super proud of her. I've got quite a few more events coming up in the next few months, so pray for my sanity :) I've also got my yearly review coming up on Monday, so my fingers are crossed on that as well. It's hard to believe that in March I will have been there for 3 years already!

On a sad note, almost 2 weeks ago my grandmother passed away. It was a blessing because she was in pain and her poor little body just couldn't take it anymore. But I was in the room, with lots of other family, when she passed, and it was incredibly emotional and heart wrenching. It was even harder to tell the kids the next day because I had gone up to the hospital that night to give her cards that they had made for her. It broke Brooklyn's heart, and she cried and cried. Wil is still a little young to totally grasp the concept yet, though, so it didn't really bother him. But it helped being here with my parents when it happened. And today Brooklyn and I made some chocolate chip cookies for Papa and took them over so we could visit for awhile. Bless his heart, he's been going to the cemetery everyday, but he's hanging in there.

I think the worst part about not having a computer is that I feel so disconnected from everyone. I guess it's sad when we depend on technology to keep in touch with one another, but that's just the way the world is these days. I try to text or call people, but everyone has their own lives too, and it's just hard. It's much easier to just leave a comment on myspace or facebook, and let people get back to you when it's convenient for them. But not having a computer puts a damper on that. So to all of you, I miss ya and hope things are going well for you. You're in my thoughts and I love you :) And if you want to do lunch or get some coffee, send me a text! And if you're ever totally bored, call me...if I don't answer, it's probably because I'm at work, but I'll call back :) So there's my desperate plea for communication...I'll leave ya on that note ;)

A Toast To 2008...

2008-12-30T18:41:00.003-06:00

I just thought that I would write a quick post about the year. There have been many ups and many downs, many trying times and many memorable moments. So let's run through some highlights...

My little boy turned 4 years old! Where has time gone?! And Brooklyn turned 6...which means in 2009, I will have a 7 year old and a 5 year old. Aren't I a little young for that? ;) I love looking back and seeing how far they have come from the year before. Wil started preschool this year, and is doing amazing! Brooklyn had a rough time to start with in 1st grade, but has come so far and is doing so well now. My babies are officially no longer babies.

I got married!! After being with Seth for almost 9 years, we finally exchanged wedding vows and made it official. It honestly was a perfect day and nothing went wrong. I got to share it with my closest friends, and they made it even more memorable for sure. It's a day that I will never forget and hold close to my heart for years to come.

I have learned more about myself in so many ways. I've learned a lot of my weaknesses and why I have them, and I've learned how to grow from them instead of letting them hang over my head. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. I've had a couple of friends who have stuck with me and taught me to keep looking forward instead of looking backwards. They are always there for me, no matter how dumb or small my problem may be. They help me keep things in perspective, and to let go of the things that I have no control over. You know who you are, and I appreciate and love you. I'm so glad that in this past year we have grown closer and have come to depend on each other. Thank you :)

In retrospect, 2008 has been a tough year. I am not going to dwell on the bad things that have happened, and just continue to look forward to the good. I'm excited to see what 2009 holds for myself, my family, and my friends. So bring it on 2009! I'm ready!!

The Story of Brooklyn Faith Allen

2008-12-27T19:49:00.002-06:00

My daughter never ceases to amaze me, so she has inspired a blog post. Wil's shall follow soon as well. I've already told you the reasons why I love her so much, so here is her story and how she came to be.

I remember the day that I found out I was pregnant with her. I was working at a gas station at the time with Seth's sister, and also one of my best friends, Angel. I hadn't been feeling well for a couple of days, and she told me I might want to take a test. I wasn't even late yet, but I thought..why not? And it was positive! I was in shock, but in a good way. I knew where I was at in my life was not a good place, and it just kept going downhill. I was not on a good path, and before I found out about Brooklyn, I had no intention to go heading back the right way. But this was my chance to make things right, and to turn myself around back to where I wanted to be. Seth took it a little harder than I did, but got excited quickly.

When we were talking about names, we narrowed it down fairly quickly. Seth chose Brooklyn, and I agreed. I wanted her to have a name that wasn't as common as Jennifer, and something a little different. Faith is a powerful word, and was proven to me when God gave Brooklyn to me, so it only made sense for that to be her middle name. And she has definitely lived up to every part of it.

My water broke at 5:15am on June 14, 2002. Seth took me to the hospital, and then the waiting began. Here is one of Seth's favorite stories to tell of that day: All I could have was ice chips and popsicles, and I was loving them. I asked Seth to go get me one, and he asked what flavor. I said I didn't care, whatever they had. Now if you REALLY know me, you know that I HATE banana anything. And Seth totally knew that, but for some reason brought me back a banana flavored popsicle. I thought about throwing it at his head, but he quickly realized his mistake and went back for grape instead ;) Of course he totally embellishes my reaction and you would have thought I had some sort of satanic being inside of me that day in his version.

After 14 1/2 hours of labor and 15 minutes of pushing, Brooklyn Faith was brought into the world at 7:39pm. She was 6lbs 8oz and 20 inches long. She has been the light of my life ever since. We were always together, 24/7. And as she got older, Seth always wondered why I could never leave a room without her crying. To me, it made my life....just knowing that someone else loves you that much and feels like that they need to always be with you...it can be annoying, yes. But also the greatest feeling in the world.

Brooklyn was such a serious baby. You REALLY had to work for those smiles and giggles. But as she became a toddler, her silliness came out and she was always so much fun to be around. She was also a great, easy going person from day 1. She rarely cried, even when she didn't feel good. I just knew when she was going to be hungry b/c she was so easy to keep on a schedule. And to this day, for the most part, she's still really easy going. She can be a bit high strung as well, but what 6 year old isn't?

I just really admire Brooklyn's carefree spirit. She just wants to have fun wherever she is, and she wants everyone else to have fun with her. Yesterday, Seth's mom and her husband came over and we all played bowling on the Wii. This little girl does gymnastics while she bowls, and usually gets a strike or spare out of it. It's just so funny and entertaining to watch, and she knows it. I'll have to take a video for everyone to see. But anyway..my point is that she is still so innocent and trusting and caring. I just wish that she could take that with her forever.

So there's the short version of Brooklyn. She's an amazing kid with so much going for her, and I can't wait to see where she goes in life.

Trying So Hard....

2008-12-21T11:47:00.003-06:00

So I'm standing at the opening of my "hole", and I'm fighting crawling into it. After the last few days, that's where I want to go and shut the door. However, it's Christmas time and I can't do that. Actually, I could do it...but I WON'T do it. It's not fair to me or anyone else. I'm not going to dwell on the bad, but look to the good. But in order to do that, a great friend gave me some advice - "Empty your burden of thoughts." So that's what I am here to do.

As I mentioned in my previous post, Seth has been having a rough time. He did not get that job due to the "Economy", and has been beating himself up ever since. I told him that it's ok, don't worry...everything will work out, just like it always does. But he blames himself and doesn't feel like a "man" b/c he doesn't feel like he is providing for us. I am trying SO hard to be the positive one, and I can do it in front of him without problem. But when I get alone, and all I have time to do is think, it gets to me. I want to be strong for him, but sometimes I just can't do it. And I was really looking forward to these 2 weeks off, but now I wish it weren't here so that I could work and makes things not so stressful. However, being management means that I get a week paid, and then I can always go in and do other things. So we'll be fine; I honestly believe that.

On another note, I feel incredibly sad and guilty and grateful. I know, a strange mix of emotions for sure. But a friend of mine lost a child yesterday, and it is SO surreal and sad. This was an incredible little girl; a true fighter. She was born with a heart defect, and has been fighting for her life ever since. She had multiple surgeries and overcame many obstacles. But in the end, I guess her little body was just tired. She was only 2 years old. But her mom is an amazingly strong person. Throughout all of it, she always said how blessed she was to have Reagan and to learn from her. She was always so thankful for God giving her that little girl, even when she almost lost her on several occasions. So it is so bittersweet that she brought her into this world, and was holding her when God took her back. So please keep Debbie Kring and her family in your prayers; they need it right now.

Sometimes...do you ever just feel like a failure? Like there is more you could do and you just don't? I can't really explain my emotions right now, but sometimes they just hit so hard that I feel like the wind is knocked out of me and I'm down on my knees. Here is something that I had written back in my writing days, and it captures somewhat how I feel:

A fire still burns

It licks at my heels

It singes the edges

Keeping me moving at a rapid pace

Never letting air come between us.

If I slow

It engulfs me

To the very core of myself

And it takes hold

Squeezing until the rawness burns with numbness.

When I fall to my knees

I am completely defeated

I press my cheek to the cold earth

Trying to embrace all that I have lost

What I can never get back.

The flames slide over my body

Forcing me to scream in absolute anguish

To release any emotion inside of myself

To haltingly rise to my feet

And begin the endless cycle of life all over again.

This was basically my way of reminding myself that no matter how hard things are, there will always be harder things down the road. Life can be difficult, but don't close yourself off and don't hide your emotions. Let them out or they will burn you up inside. Dig down deep inside of yourself and find that strength to keep going. I guess I just needed that reminder.

Thanks, Ash. I just unburdened my thoughts.

For Something Bad, There Is Always Something Good...

2008-12-17T13:20:00.004-06:00

This is what I keep telling myself. There is no reason to not feel blessed or thankful right now. All the things that are not going my way are little things, insignificant things in the grand scheme of things, but honestly...they are still pulling me down. But every bad thing that happens, there are always good things to follow...

My laptop got all moody on me a couple of weeks ago, but talked to the company and they said that there is a default in that series of notebooks, so they will fix it for free. Today I get a call that there is nothing they can do and to take it to a 3rd party. Seriously?! So I'm in the midst of convincing them that they are wrong and hopefully they will see that and take pity on me. On a good note, my mom has let me borrow hers for now. I'm not sure how much longer, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Brooklyn has a couple of Christmas programs coming up, and they have asked that they wear white, red, or green. I was thinking well, great...she doesn't have anything, and I'm as broke as I can be right now. BUT...one of my kids at work gave me a $20 Target gift card yesterday, so sweet! I go today, but all they have in her size (or even remotely close to her size) was a black shirt with white snowflakes. Yes, it's cute...but she asked for a red one. I had to get it anyway. I know Brooklyn won't care, but it still makes me sad for her. But the good thing here is that my daughter knows that I try my hardest to make everything possible, so she'll just give me a hug and tell me that it doesn't matter to her. She's pretty awesome like that.

Seth has finally run out of work. That last couple of weeks have been pretty stressful, and honestly...we still have so much to get for X-mas for the kids. Everyone else is just getting some homemade goodies. The good news is that he put in an application today and they said they would be calling him by the end of the week.

So there...I was able to find something positive for everything. And Willie's Christmas program was SO cute this morning! I got some pics, but those will have to wait. Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season so far :)

To Forgive & To Forget...

2008-12-09T20:14:00.002-06:00

Is it possible to really do both? 2 different concepts that are expected to go hand in hand. I truly believe that both are possible, I'm just not sure that it is possible at the same time.

In every situation in my life (and I mean major, not minor) that I have had to forgive someone of something, it definitely does not mean that I forget it. Sometimes it is easier to push it aside and forget about it, but other times...not so much. Sometimes the consequences of some one's actions are brutal, hurtful, and deep. That means that every time you think of that person, those actions and the pain that they caused, pops into your mind and plays right in front of your eyes. It can be so overwhelming that you can't even look at that person...well, at least for me. I'm just saying that it is a lot to ask of someone.

It's true that the pain can dull and subside. We only know that it's what we hope for, so that the healing process can begin. Sometimes it is a long road back to where things can be good again. It will never be the same, unfortunately, but it can be something new, and if you are REALLY lucky...something better.

I am not the type of person who holds grudges. Actually, I can't stand the thought of someone being mad at me. And I am willing to fight for my friends and the people that I care about. But it takes 2 people to be friends, and if you are the only one fighting for the friendship..what's the point? Why should you put everything you have into something when the other person isn't willing to do the same? It means that there is no friendship there anymore because something was lost along the way. Trust? Honesty? Maybe something else? Who really knows...it doesn't really matter what was lost. The point is that it WAS lost. Period.

As a good friend said to me, "Actions speak louder than words". That is so true. The road back is long, hard, and frustrating. The walls are back up, and rightfully so. Part of the consequences to the actions, if you will.

So is it possible to forgive and to forget at the same time?

The Month of November...

2008-11-29T20:27:00.003-06:00

Things That I Am Thankful For....

2008-11-27T11:15:00.002-06:00

1. My fabulous family! I never imagined that I would have a family like this when I grew up. I never had understood what unconditional love was until a few years ago. I have an amazing husband who loves me no matter what stupid thing I do, and then can smile about it later. My kids are seriously the coolest people that I know. They are loving and well behaved, at least for the most part. ;) And I won't go any further than that, b/c it would be a really long blog post.

2. My friends. Wow, I have met some amazing people over the last couple of years, and I feel like I have made some lasting friendships with them. And even the ones that I have drifted apart from. Sometimes we can't understand why that happens, but it makes us stronger people for it. But the thing is, I just want you all to know that I appreciate you and the little things that you do. You know who you are, and I couldn't ask for more considerate, kind friends. Thank you :)

3. All the good things in my life. Yes, there are hard times and it's frustrating and I wonder why. But in the end, I know that it just makes me appreciate the good times even more. We have to go through the bad to get to the good, and it is so worth it. It gives us strength and endurance, and makes us continue to grow as people.

So I could continue on and on and on, but I think #3 pretty much sums it up. I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving and enjoys the time with your families! :)

Just A Little Something...

2008-11-17T21:11:00.002-06:00

So I found this, loved it, and thought I would share it. And I feel that it holds a lot of truth to it. So enjoy!

"Realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure your still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for."

Just because your heart is "broken", it does not necessarily mean just by "breaking up" with someone. Little pieces of our hearts get broken daily because we are women and we're sensitive. We hold back our emotions a lot, or at least I do, and it takes a toll on us. We deal with disappointments and problems by locking them away, and that, in turn, eventually breaks our hearts, little by little.

Anyway, I think the message is that life is hard and cruel at times, but we still have to keep pushing through and digging deep to find that strength. There is always something positive to make up for the negative. We just have look for it. The pain is there to remind us to keep moving day to day, and the it will lessen and ease. And sometimes we are lucky enough to forget it all together.

From The Heart...

2008-11-10T21:13:00.003-06:00

So I've been doing a little soul searching lately, and thinking about who I am as a person. I've thought about how far I've come since I was a teenager, and how much further I want to go. I want my character to continue to grow, and I want my children to know that you can never stop growing as a person. You are always who you are, but you also always have the ability to change and be who you want to be. That's one of the reasons God gave us free will. Our options are limitless, and it is all up to us.

So I thought I would share a little bit about myself as a teen, which is not an easy feat for me. I am a very private person, but as I have said in previous posts, I want to be more open whenever possible. As a teenager, I was very depressed and I isolated myself a lot. It wasn't because I had a bad childhood or anything like that, because I didn't. I was taken care of and had anything that I needed. But my parents were busy people. My mom was always working or going to school, so she never really had time to spare. My dad also worked a lot, but tried to spend time with me whenever possible. But my parents weren't happy people, and I guess that kind of rubbed off on me. My mom spent her evenings in the living room, watching soap operas she recorded while she was at work. And my dad stayed in the bedroom, watching Nick At Night reruns. They never spent time together and we never really did things as a family. So in turn, I stayed in my room listening to music. And that's where I discovered an emotional outlet. I learned that writing was a way for me to get all of those emotions out without actually saying anything. I began keeping diaries and writing poetry along with short stories. I was a mad woman; any chance I got, I poured my heart and soul onto paper and hid them away.

Shortly thereafter, my dad moved out. It did not surprise me; I had seen it coming for years, even before they did. So fast forward a few years - I'm probably 15 or 16 by this point. I had a lot of resentment towards my father by then. I won't go into specifics, but a lot of things had hurt me and I never talked about them to anyone. My mom was engaged to man from England and he was staying in the States for awhile. By this point, I was sharing some of my poetry. My mom had read it, but never really said anything about it. She never really said anything about anything to be honest. But when he read some of it, I can remember him saying to my mom, "You know, Jen has a lot of pain and hurting inside of her." And my mom says, "No, Ivor. It's just fiction. It doesn't mean anything." But man, was she wrong.

All through high school, I had a lot of my writing published. My English teachers always told me to hold on to my passion and my talent. They said to use it and not waste it. But unfortunately, after high school was over, I did lose it. I hit a writing block and I just could not overcome it. Just recently, in the last couple of years, have I been able to even think about it again. I just assumed that maybe all of my hurt and pain was gone, and with it went my gift. But now I realize that it is not true. I associated my writing with my guilt and introverted ways, but it doesn't have to be that way. It is my passion and something that I love. And it's like an old friend, just waiting to be called upon and embraced once again. It's part of who I am and something that can continue to help me grow. It held my hand through all of the bad times, and it can do the same for the good times if I let it.

So yeah...I rambled about a lot of nothing. And I honestly don't think I even said what I came here to say :) But that's ok. Thanks for getting through the randomness of my post ;)

Here's a good quote for you:

"Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

So Many Thoughts...

2008-11-06T20:21:00.004-06:00

My head is literally spinning right now. I don't know what it up or down, whether to look left or right, whether I should be thankful or break down. It has been quite a long day.

I got home from work tonight around 6:30pm, and about 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was my stepmom. She was concerned about my dad, so I asked to talk to him. But he refused, which is not like him at all. So I asked her what was going on, and she said he was having symptoms like he did before he had his heart attack a couple of years ago. So I tell Seth and head on over. My dad is in the kitchen, crying and shaking, swearing he's fine and refusing to go anywhere. So I called my mom, who is a nurse, to see what she thought. She asked some questions, but I had to tell her that I just didn't know b/c my dad wouldn't tell me anything. But he was forgetting things that he had said 2 minutes before and couldn't remember how to do simple things, like start the microwave. Yes, he's getting older but that's just not him. He got like that once before, again around the time that he had that heart attack. He literally wouldn't know where he was or what was going on. My mom said that it was probably due to his brain not getting enough oxygen b/c his heart wasn't pumping like it should.

So I called his cardiologist and left a message for him to call me back. When he did, I told him what was going on and he told me to get him to the ER as soon as possible so that he can check him out. And after I told my dad that, he agreed to go. By that time, my sister, Michelle, and her husband, Raymond, were there. I was SO torn. I wanted to go and be with him, but at the same time, I couldn't be stranded in Nashville b/c the kids have to go to school tomorrow and Seth can't get them there in his truck. So I hugged him, told him I loved him, and thank you for letting us help him.

So now here I am. Once again wondering what the outcome may be and should I have gone anyway, just in case? I mean, I honestly looked him in the eye and asked him if he wanted to die. And he could not look at me and tell me no. I love my father SO much, and cannot imagine my life without him. I can't imagine telling my children that their Pa is gone. And I don't want to.

I guess now is just a waiting game. I made my sister promise to call as soon as they got him in and settled. I can't even begin to describe everything that I'm feeling, but I just had to get this out. I can't talk about it out loud b/c I cry and get so emotional. So blogging is the next best thing. There are so many details, so many little things to say or ask or wonder about...

Just Another Tuesday...

2008-11-04T13:27:00.005-06:00

Just a few pics for you. Brooklyn is practicing her baby holding skills and Willie pretending he is playing XBox LIVE like his daddy ;) And the kids spent their Halloween evening playing with cars since there was no trick or treating for us.

FINALLY, the kids are feeling better. Brooklyn went to school yesterday and did great. I kept checking my phone at work to see if they had called, but they never did. I kept Wil home again yesterday b/c his tummy is still bothering him a bit. Today is much better, but we'll see. I just don't want him to have any problems at school. Today they are both home since it's election day, and I'm thankful for it. My mom watched them while I worked this morning, and then we all had lunch. Now I'm just waiting for it to be time to take them to my dad's house and go back to work for 3 more classes.

Brooklyn's parent/teacher conference was last week, and I was a little afraid. But Mrs. Bailey is an AWESOME teacher, and had nothing but good things to say about my princess. She said that ever since that day she had called me, Brooklyn has been acting like herself again. She's really coming a long with her reading and math, and I'm so proud of her.

I feel like I haven't had time to do anything lately. And I know a lot has been going on, but it's only going to get busier with the holidays coming up. Just take it one day at a time, I guess :)

Tomorrow my sister, Michelle, is having her ultrasound and we get to find out if I'll be having a neice or nephew. If it's a girl, her name will be Abigail and a boy will be Aidan. I had a dream when she first found out she was pregnant that it was a girl, so we'll see how right I am. Also, one of my good friends, Jamie, is being induced tomorrow and Jackson Cash Owen will make his first appearance. I won't get to see him until he gets home, though, b/c her doctor is in Columbia. And then my SIL, Angel, will be having my nephew, Grayson Ryan, in December. There are babies everywhere for sure :) It makes me want another one, but at least I'll get to see all of them quite often.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic week so far :)

Crappy Halloween

2008-11-02T11:17:00.005-06:00

Soooo, yeah. Halloween sucked over at my house. I think most of you that read my blog already know what happened, but I'll recap anyway for my own good for later on down the road.

On Thursday, I went to Barnyard Kids in Shelbyville, just as I always do. I go every week and really enjoy it, although I don't care for the drive much. Brooklyn ends up getting sick at school, and they called Seth. So he went to go pick her up and get her some medicine. Then I have to call my dad to see if he can pick Wil up from school b/c my mom had to take my grandmother to the hospital. My dad says no problem and goes to get him. I called him back around 2:30pm to make sure he got him ok, and he says that Willie threw up in the hallway as soon as he came out of his classroom. But Seth has everything under control, so I stay at work.

That night, poor Brooklyn could barely swallow, she was wheezy and had a terrible cough, and a lowgrade fever. Then she says her tummy hurts. By 11pm, she had thrown up twice and I knew I was in for a long night. And bless her little heart, I was right. She continued to throw up all night, and phenergan did nothing for her. However, Willie had an uneventful night (thank goodness), and that was fine by me. I called the doctor first thing Friday morning, and we all headed over there at 9am. After waiting, seeing the Dr, getting a breathing treatment, getting chest x-rays, and Wil having an accident, we find out Brooklyn does not have pneumonia, like the Dr originally thought. She has strep throat instead, and Willie looks like he has the early stages of it. So we get prescriptions for antibiotics

I give it to my kids, they handled it very well. And the grandparents have made up for them not getting to go trick or treating. So Saturday we all have a "Take it easy" day. I was supposed to go to a "wrap" party last night, but something told me I should just stay home since the kids had been sick. And it's a good thing I did b/c Willie was up all night throwing up and the other part that comes with it. It was so sad, but he's feeling better this morning, except he's not eating. Which is pretty ok with me, b/c if I don't have to clean up anymore vomit, my day will be awesome :)
So there was my weekend. Hopefully everyone will be back at school and work tomorrow, and we're done with the sickness for awhile. hope everyone else enjoyed their Halloween!

Sunday...

2008-10-26T12:24:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm sad that it's Sunday again. My weekend has flown by and I need it to be at LEAST 3 more days until the new week starts. I've been sick this weekend, but can't afford to take off work tomorrow. So alas, I shall suffer through it :) I'm pretty sure I can manage.

So here are the things that I plan to look forward to in the coming week:

1. Halloween!!! It's one of my favorite holidays actually. Family and friends come over to our house and we make our round with the kids through the neighborhood and get lots of goodies. And yes, mommy and daddy get their share too when the kids are asleep. Don't act like you don't do it too! That is WAY too much candy for them to eat by themselves ;)

2. Brooklyn's parent/teacher conference is on Wed. Let's face it...that should be pretty interesting. She has been doing better behavior wise in the last week and a half, but she's also been grounded. She just got done with that on Friday, so we shall see what happens this week at school.

3. I'm sure there is some reason I should look forward to work. It really depends on what the lesson plan is all about, b/c when it's boring, it tends to make for a really long week. Fingers crossed that it turns out to be super exciting! :)

4. I'm having lunch with some friends on Tuesday! That's always fun and makes my day a little happier.

Yeah, that's all I got. It was really pushing it to find 4 reasons. Oh well, at least I tried. Hope everyone has a great Sunday :)

It Is There...

2008-10-16T21:59:00.004-05:00

I close my eyes

I reach out

Knowing that it is there

Sensing it, feeling it

But never touching it.

My fingers find nothing in the stillness

Yet I still reach out

And I keep my hope

Assuming that all is not lost

But feeling the panic deep down inside.

My soul fights for that hope

It needs it like my lungs need air

I need that little shred of myself

For without it

The nothingness consumes all that I am.

My eyes remain closed
Darkness is safety

Passion is power

Dignity is what keeps me whole

And I will continue to float in oblivion.

A Day Off...

2008-10-14T08:39:00.002-05:00

So I decided to take the day off today. I've been super tired lately, and figured it would be a good day since 1. MTSU is on fall break and I could get subs for my classes, 2. Willie is still on fall break, and 3. I didn't have a babysitter anyway :) In a little while we'll be heading over to a friend's house for playgroup, so it really couldn't be a better day.

I finally got my meeting with my boss yesterday. When I walked out of his office, it seriously felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I feel positive about my place there now, and plan on making the best of it. So hopefully things will continue to get better there.

Seth has been a bit moody lately, and it's been driving me crazy! I know that I'm his wife and I should want to do things with him and for him, and I honestly do. But I need a break every now and then too. The last couple of times I've had plans with someone, he's acted like a baby and I've backed out. Well, today...my first day off during the week since August....he calls and asks if I will bring him lunch at 11am. Well, playgroup is at 10:30am and it's been forever since I've been able to see my friends. So I said, "Well, I've already got plans but if you can wait until a little later, I will be glad to do it." He then proceeds to try to guilt me, and I'm standing my ground! Maybe that's selfish of me or maybe I should always drop everything to do something for him, but I disagree. We do have a life together, but we also need our own lives so we don't drive each other crazy. So there. He will get over it, and if he doesn't...I will proceed to remind him of all the times that I have dropped everything for him and that I needed a little me time today (along with Willie time:) ). At the very least, it's not worrying me and all will be fine.

I got all the laundry caught up yesterday too, so that makes me happy. When I get home, I'm going to clean the kitchen and bathroom and chill out the rest of the day. Hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday b/c I know that I will be!

A Little Update...

2008-10-09T08:36:00.002-05:00

So the past few weeks have been really tiring and trying for me. Work has continued to stress me out, so much to the point where I just want to give up. I think I have decided that I'm really good at being some one's assistant, but not so much at being in charge of things. It seems as though things keep falling short of what they should be, and honestly...I just hate feeling like I'm not good at something. Plus, my family is more important to me and I refuse to take time away from them for certain things. Anyway, just think positive thoughts for me on the work front. Hopefully it will all work itself out.

I am also oh so very tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally...I just need some time off. And not just from work, from everything. If I had the money, I think I would just take off for a few days on my own and work some things out. However, I would also just love to take the fam with me and enjoy some time together. I think I need to talk to Seth about that. We are by no means in a financial situation to do so right now, but maybe soon. Seth's work has slowed down again, but mine has picked up so we're breaking even right now. I can't complain about that b/c it's WAY better than being in the hole.

The kids are on fall break, but unfortunately we have not been able to do anything fun with them b/c of work. But they are just happy to be out of school. Brooklyn has been having some behavior problems lately, at school as well as at home. It's so frustrating to me b/c I don't know where it's coming from or what to do about it. I've tried some different tactics, but nothing seems to be making a difference. I feel like a pretty bad mom right now b/c I can't figure it out. But she has parent/teacher conference at the end of this month, so hopefully I can hold out until then. But if it gets worse after fall break, I'll just having a meeting sooner. I had Wil's parent/teacher conference the week before fall break, and it was awesome! He is doing SO well, and the teacher says he is at the top of the class for sure. She's even doing more advanced stuff with him to get him interested. I'm so proud of him.

Besides a few other things going on, that's about it. Hope everyone else is having a great week.

A New Day...

2008-09-22T21:57:00.004-05:00

So a few days ago I posted a blog that was extremely negative and questioning of myself. It wasn't up for very long, so if you missed it...consider yourself lucky ;) If you read it, I apologize sincerely! The thing is that sometimes it's hard not to focus on the negative things in life. Especially when it seems as if that is all that is happening to you, and there are no positives to give you a little hope. But once it is all over, once you've had a chance to breathe and reflect, things can be seen in a whole other light.

Yes, I will admit it. I was having a pity party for myself. I had a few bad days and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and dwell upon it. However, when you're a mom...there is just no time for that. So Saturday after my week from hell was over, I let myself relax and enjoy time with my family. And then Seth and I had a date night that was perfect. And then life just didn't seem so bad. You have to remember what is important and what makes you happy. My family does that for me, and I refuse to let anything tarnish that in any way. I will no longer allow my job to put me in such a bad mood that I take it out on my kids. I will no longer run myself ragged and have no energy left to spend on my family. They will come first, and if I ever lose sight of that, I hope someone smacks me and tells me to wake up!

So, there. I said it. I am planning on taking a few steps back at work in order to focus more on my family and my life. That may not be taken too kindly, but it doesn't matter. There are other jobs out there. If someone cannot accept that, then it is their loss. No matter how discouraged I feel, I KNOW that I am good at what I do, and I love it and have passion for it. If I have to find another channel for it, I will. Tomorrow is a new day. Life will go on, and a new chapter will open. I will embrace it with open arms and wait patiently for it all to unfold.

What Is The Point?

2008-09-15T21:03:00.002-05:00

What a loaded question that could cause lots of speculation and discussion. However, I believe that it is much more simple than that. The question REALLY is "What is the point of all of this? Of life and death and everything in between?". It's different for every single person out there. What one person gets out of an experience could be the complete opposite for another person. But that's what is so great about people. We learn from one another, take in what someone else has seen or experienced. It's one of the great things about life.

Life is a precious gift, and one that should not be taken for granted. We should use it and experience it to the best of our abilities. We should not abuse it and waste it because it is definitely not something that we get a second chance at later on. Don't make stupid decisions when you know better! Embrace everything beautiful and wonderful and cherish them. Make your life something you will not look back on and regret. Achieve your dreams and help others achieve theirs. Thank God everyday for everything that you have and the people in your lives. And make sure they know that they are loved and appreciated. Don't hold grudges because they are stupid and honestly, nothing good can come from it. Have a forgiving heart, although we all know that forgetting is a little harder. Be sure to treat others as you would want to be treated.

Experience love to the greatest extent. It can be the most amazing thing, yet the most painful as well. Understand what passion is in every way possible. Find it in your work, your hobbies, your family, your significant other, and in life in general. Something is not worth doing if you aren't going to give it your all and believe in it. Have faith in yourself and in others. It really is true what they say, you know. No one can love you until you love yourself. Take pride in who you are and what you stand for. Don't be afraid to be yourself! No one can tell you that you are not worth it because you are! If you were not worth it, God would have never made you. Figure out who your true friends are and hold them close. They are few and far between, and you need every single one of them. Kids are beautifully honest and unconditionally loving. Try not to taint them too quickly and let them see that the world is beautiful, and without ugliness, for as long as possible.

I don't know what the point is in all honesty. The point is that there is a reason for everything, no matter how good or how bad. Life is bumpy and sometimes unfair. But the road evens out eventually, and letting friends and family be your support system will help that happen even more quickly. Just remember that there is ALWAYS a point to it all. It may not always be blatantly obvious, but it is there. Have a little faith.

Amazing!

2008-09-14T17:33:00.004-05:00

So I had the coolest experience today! I went to my grandparents house for dinner, and my Pepa was super excited. Ever since I was a little kid, my grandparents have always put out hummingbird feeders. My Pepa would set up a video camera and tape them for hours. But never would they let us get close to them. But today my grandfather was in awe. For the past couple of days, there have been about 10 of them flying around the feeder and fighting for a spot. Normally around this time of year, hummingbirds are heading south for the winter. So I suppose most people have already put their feeders up, except for Pepa.

He said, "Jennifer, it's amazing! I took the feeder to fill it up, and I saw them all flying around the window like they were watching me. And when I took it outside, they were all around me!" I thought to myself, "What a great thing to happen to him." And then he told me to go outside, stand still, and see what happens. I was skeptical, I'll admit it. But I had no right to be.

I stood by the feeder with Brooklyn watching through the window inside. I heard something like a loud bee, and out of the corner of my eye I see a hummingbird. Then all of sudden there was 5. And then seriously, about 10 of them! I've never heard them chirp before, but you could hear them talking to one another. And the wind off of their wings was incredible! They were flying around my head, stopping to check me out. And I could feel their wings fluttering across my cheek and forehead. They were beautiful and cute and just plain awesome!

I've just never experienced anything like that before. They were in no way aggressive, just curious and hungry :) I've been feeling a little down the past few days, so this was kind of a pick me up that I just had to share. My mom tried to get a few pictures, but not sure if they turned out or not. If they do, I'll be sure to post them. Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!

2 Years Ago..

2008-09-10T13:16:00.004-05:00

I can still remember the day like it was last week. It was September 10, 2006 and I was throwing a baby shower for my best friend, Tiffany. I got a phone call from my manager at work in the middle of it, and that's when it all happened. My good friend, Courtney, had been in a car accident early that morning. My first question to Leslee was, "Is she ok?" And that's when I learned that she had been killed. The pain and hurt is still there, and probably always will be. However, what they say is true...time does heal wounds, but the scars are there forever. And the emotions grow numb over time, but you still feel those painful twinges every now and then.

Courtney was an amazing person. We worked together, which is how we met. But we just clicked so quickly, and we became fast friends. We would go eat lunch at Marina's on the square, chat on the phone, and hang out whenever we could. I honestly never saw her angry or mad. She had an amazing quality of always smiling and letting the negative things roll off her back. I can still remember how she would laugh things off and say they were not worth worrying about. I wish I were like that, and I try to be. But it just doesn't come easily to me.

I still wonder why someone so young and who still had so much to experience could be taken away so quickly. I know God has a plan and a reason for everything, but it still sucks. She was 2 months away from being 22 years old when it happened. She was in her last year of college and she had big plans for the future. I could go on questioning it forever, but I won't. I just try to accept it and know that she is in a better place.

I still work with Courtney's best friend, Erin. We were not close and did not really know each other when Courtney's accident happened. But she talked to me about Erin and talked to Erin about me. And so in the aftermath, we became friends and we share that bond. Erin is also an amazing person and we have just as much in common. And it's like I told her today, Courtney brought us together and because of her, we have a special kind of friendship. We talk about her a lot and we've visited the cemetery together. And I can't speak for Erin, but it makes it a little easier for me knowing that she knows exactly how I feel.

I went to Moe's a couple of weeks ago with my friend Rachel. That was where Courtney also worked, and I have not been able to set foot in there since her accident. But I felt like it was time and I'm glad that I did. I've learned the details of Courtney's death since it happened, and it gives me some peace. I miss her daily b/c every time I drive to my dad's house, I have to go by the spot where she was killed. And every time I think about her and say a little prayer. I am a stronger, more positive person b/c of Courtney. She taught me some life lessons in the short time that I was privileged to know her. I just hope that someday I can look back and smile instead of feeling such sadness on this day.

The Weekend

2008-09-06T08:31:00.003-05:00

So here I sit, procrastinating on a Saturday morning. I REALLY need to get ready and start my errands for the day, but instead here I am...enjoying my coffee and wishing it could be a lazy day. I guess I'm just annoyed with myself mostly. I can't straighten my hair b/c of my stupid arm, so now I am protesting for some stupid reason. It just goes to prove my point that I need a live in hair dresser. And if I were rich, I would totally hire my sister Michelle for the job :)

So I'm throwing a baby shower for my friend Jamie today. She's having her 3rd boy in late October/early November. His name will be Jackson Cash Owen, which I think is adorable and fits into their family perfectly. She tends to have big babies, so they will probably induce her around 37 weeks. Her last one was over 11 lbs, and that was at 37 weeks too! So anyway, her shower won't be anything fancy, but it should be fun and it will be nice to hang out with everyone. And then I get to turn around do this AGAIN next month for Angel, my sister-in-law. But that's ok b/c she's having my nephew, Grayson Ryan Smith. And in a few months will come Michelle's baby shower, which hopefully will be for a girl ;)

Speaking of Michelle, she's about 11 weeks along now. She's not getting quite so sick, but it's still there. And man, those hormones are raging! I just feel bad for her. And Raymond is gone for a couple of weeks, so she feels lonely on top of it. So we're gonna hang tonight, maybe watch a movie or just have some dinner. And *fingers crossed* hopefully she'll feel better.

Wil learned something new at school yesterday and it's adorable! She sent home their daily report and it said to ask him another word for "big crash". So I asked him, and he said, "Monumental crash". It cracked me up :) Brooklyn is doing awesome in school as well. She has yet to bring home a bad daily report, and she's doing well on most of her work. On the things she is not doing well, it's b/c she's not taking her time. My friend, Rachel, and I seem to be having that same problem with our 1st graders on this. But she's getting better about it, and the teacher is working with her on it as well.

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend :)

Bummed & Confused

2008-09-04T12:44:00.002-05:00

So I've hit another funk in the last couple of days. I think it basically just stems from so many things going wrong and things being out of my control. Yesterday I slipped and put my arm through our glass storm door and it cut it all up. So I had to miss work and they were not happy about it. I understand that, I truly do. And we've been having a lot of problems with people not showing up and calling out for stupid reasons lately. But it wasn't my fault! It's not like I did it on purpose. So I went by there yesterday afternoon just to prove that it wasn't something that I made up.

So today I was supposed to go to Shelbyville to start teaching again, and although I was not looking forward to it b/c of my arm, I was going to suck it up and do it. So I took the kids to school this morning and came home to do a few things before I headed out. Ms. Mandy (Wil's teacher) called to say they had found a little rash behind his left ear and it was either a form of chicken pox that is going around or ringworm. Either way, I had to go get him and take him to the doctor to find out. Grrrrrrrrrrreat. Not that I minded picking him up, but that meant no work. So I called one of my bosses, who was not happy, and I don't blame her honestly. But again, it was completely out of my control! It's not like I told Wil to get sick and make me miss work for the 2nd day in a row. *Sigh* I just hate it and I felt SO guilty about it...but honestly, my family comes before my job. And it would be the same way if it were my bosses' kid that got sick. I was in tears when I talked to her, but there was nothing I could do.

So now I'm at a crossroads. I love my job and what I do, and in all reality, my bosses are pretty great too. They've helped me out countless times when I've needed it. I just feel like I can't do this job to my full ability right now. Maybe it's time to move on and find a job where I work during the day and can be home with the kids when they get out of school. I just don't know or how to figure it out. I think I'll just set up a meeting with my boss and talk to him about it. And I've had these thoughts before, but then something would happen and change the circumstances and make things ok for me there. I just don't think that's going to happen this time.

The Reasons Why

2008-08-31T08:46:00.002-05:00

So Seth is still asleep and here I am. My mind started going this morning and would not stop, so I decided to do something productive and blog. I've had a pretty good weekend, but I am SUPER excited that I still have one more day to go. YAY LABOR DAY!!!!! Ok, now that that's out of my system.... ;) I decided to blog about my hubby. I blogged about my kids awhile back and the reasons why I think they're so awesome, so now I'm going to do the same for Seth.

He makes me a stronger person. By nature, I just avoid confrontation and pretty much let people walk all over me. But when Seth came into my life, he showed me that it is ok to stand up for myself. And it's not ok for people to take advantage of me. So over the years, I've learned to say what I think (in a tactful way, of course) and to not be that person.

We balance each other out really well. I'm a hopeless optimist and he's a hopeless pessimist. I try to see the best in people from the start, and he sees the worst. I like meeting new people, he would rather hang with people he's known for awhile. It's not about who's right and who's wrong, although we both do enjoy being right, lol....it's about what makes us comfortable and what makes us who we are. We force each other out of our comfort zones, and I think that's good for anyone. It makes you grow as a person as well as your character. And you discover that you can do things that you never dreamed you could do before.

He loves me more than I thought anyone ever could. I used to have really low self-esteem when we first met. And I still feel traces of that these days, but nothing like it used to be. But Seth has always told me that I'm beautiful and to never compromise who I am. And after years of being with him, I finally was able to accept that and see that things just aren't as bad as they seem. And I'm SO thankful for this b/c now I can teach my daughter how to love herself from the beginning and hope she never has to go through that personal hell.

The other day he told me that he appreciated me and everything that I do. What woman doesn't love to hear that?! And yes, Seth and I have had our hard times. We have hit rock bottom together and struggled through when we saw no light at the end of the tunnel. But the point is that we made it through and here we are standing at the end together. We're married with 2 beautiful children and the vast future in front of us, full of all kinds of possibilities. I support him through everything and he does the same for me. I am truly blessed with my family, and I make sure that I thank God for that everyday :)

What I Would Rather Be Doing...

2008-08-23T21:26:00.004-05:00

What I would rather be doing on this boring Saturday night is hangin out with some of my girls at TGIFriday's. Yep, it would be WAY better than being bored at home. But it's all good, right? We can't always get what we want; it's a simple fact of life. So instead of whining and complaining about my evening, I'm going to steal an idea from my friend, Rachel, and just post some random facts. It's always interesting and fun to see what people will put :)

1. I need a hobby. I think if I had one, then I wouldn't think about work so much at home. The only thing is, I have no idea what a good hobby for me would be. And I'm not talking boring either. I want a hobby that I can be good at AND also benefit from, know what I mean? I'm not very crafty, I'm no good with photography (although I LOVE looking at it), and I don't have the patience for scrapbooking. So please...give me some ideas!!

2. I am by nature a very shy person. Sometimes it still gets the best of me, but I seriously force myself to be outgoing on a daily basis. I'm actually really thankful for my job in that department. It forces me to step outside my comfort zone and grow as a person.

3. I never really liked kids until I had my own. I never babysat, never had any younger siblings or cousins. So I was just never around them. At one point I was pretty sure that I didn't even want kids. But that wasn't God's plan, I suppose. Now I can't imagine my life without them. They are truly amazing, and I'm blessed to have 2 awesome ones of my own. And my job...wow. Yes, sometimes I want to pull my hair out, but I love it. It is so rewarding in so many ways. But I think I'll save that for a blog post in and of itself.

4. When I was growing up, I always wanted blonde, silky hair. Instead I got this frizzy brown thing stuck on my head. However, these days I don't mind my hair so much, but I do still wish it was more silky. But my best friend is a straightening iron, and that's as close as it will ever get :) As for the color, well...I'm pretty content with it these days.

5. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't so tall. I think that short, petite girls are so lucky. Can I explain this? Not really. But those of you out there that would love to be tall...think of it this way. At least you don't tower over everyone in the room! And you don't always hear, "Wow, you sure are tall for a girl." It's annoying, trust me :)

6. I've really gotten back into cooking new things lately. My summer schedule has been super nice b/c I've been getting off work most days in time to cook dinner. I didn't realize how much I had missed it. So now I'm kinda bummed b/c this will be my last week of being able to do it. It will be back to cooking on Wednesday and Friday nights during the week.

7. I have some pretty awesome friends :) I would just like to thank all of you listen to me whine, cry, complain, and anything else I need to say. You guys rock my world!

Looking Up....

2008-08-22T10:34:00.002-05:00

Life has been rather difficult lately. Seth lost his job about a month ago, and our stress levels have been out of control. I have been trying SO hard to be supportive and keep my mouth shut, but it's so hard sometimes! I must say I was successful at all attempts, but sometimes I would just get in the truck to go somewhere by myself, and vent. Yes, I would talk to myself but it got it out of my system so that I could continue to be a good wife. I've been doing extra little things for my grandmother to earn extra money, just to get us through the weeks. Thank goodness she loves me enough to let me do it :) And I know what you're thinking....don't you work too, Jen?! Why, yes I do! However, I only get paid twice a month and that's what we use to pay our bills. And normally, it's enough with a little left over. But this month has been hard b/c work slowed down for me as well. I was going to Shelbyville on Thursdays to teach gymnastics at a daycare center there, but they wanted to take the month of August off. And I also had Wednesdays off for the summer b/c that was SUCH a long day for me. And then they hired someone new for the office, so they took my Saturday hours away. A blessing and a curse at the same time. I really didn't mind working Saturdays, but then again it's nice to be able to sleep in. I just wish it hadn't happened when it did. Anyway, enough rambling...

Seth got a call yesterday to go do some work with a guy he used to work with to do some painting. So he calls a little while ago to say it may turn into full time work!!! THANK GOD FOR THAT! Hopefully it will happen b/c he HAS been looking for the past few weeks and doing side jobs when they pop up, but something steady is seriously what we need. My fingers are triple crossed on this one.

The kids are doing fabulous! Willie is loving preschool and looks forward to going everyday, and Brooklyn and also doing awesome in 1st grade. I'm super proud of both of them, as well as relieved. And blessed that I have such awesome kids who don't get in trouble at school ;)

My new schedule for work starts the first week of September, so I can't wait for that, even though it has been nice having some days off. But I'm subbing some next week, and that will definitely help out for the next paycheck. So yeah...things are looking up finally. Good thoughts and tons of prayers later...yes, I'm completely thankful, blessed, and happy :)

Something To Think About...

2008-08-14T12:37:00.002-05:00

I found this on my old blog and thought I would share it. I loved it 2 years ago when I first read it and I love it now. I'm all about inspirational things, though ;) Anyway....read it, enjoy it, think about it.

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn...

My Pepa

2008-08-07T18:08:00.003-05:00

So my Pepa is my hero. I've always had a soft spot for that man, and he has the same for me. I have SO many great memories from my childhood with him, and he's giving the same to my children. Unfortunately, in the last year he hasn't been doing so well. And I am not going to go into details about b/c call me crazy...I'm a little superstitious about things. I'm afraid that if I talk about it too much, the worst will happen. And I just can't deal with that right now. So instead, I'm going to blog some of my favorite things about him and some memories. And I also posted some pics of my grandparents from the wedding (pictures by Erica Foley).

1. First of all, we always had a special thing b/c our birthdays are so close together. And then Brooklyn came along, and all 3 of us get to have a family birthday party every year. My b-day is June 9th, Pepa's is the 12th, and Brooklyn's is the 14th. But as a kid, my grandmother would always try to have separate ones for us, but I would not have it. It was SO cool to get to share that with my grandfather, and he loved it too. Plus we liked the same kind of cake ;)

2. He can be kinda mean...to everyone but me. He won't take crap off of anyone, and can cut you down before you can blink. But never with me. He was always gentle and kind, and I LOVE the way he smells! Old Spice does not smell good on anyone other than him, I swear. But I would love to hug him just to breathe in that smell.

3. My grandparents owned their own business for over 20 years. We called it "The Shop". And man, I thought it was the coolest place ever! Whenever I was out of school sick, I would get to go to the shop with my grandmother. She was in charge of all the books and business side, and he was the repairman/boss. He would go out on calls and stuff, and work in the shop fixing microwaves, refrigerators, air conditioning units...pretty much any kind of appliance. Sometimes I would get to help take calls or load up microwaves when people would come to pick them up. I thought I was oh so cool ;) Anyway, so I would be sitting there on those days, helping Grandma do whatever or watching the little portable TV, just waiting for Pepa to come back from a call. I would watch the time b/c sometimes he would come in and ask me to go to lunch with him. He would clear out the passenger side of his truck so that I could fit in there. And his truck smelled great too. I don't know why b/c it was really nothing special, but it just smelled like Pepa. Actually, it still does. Anyway, he would eat at a place called Linda's (which is now known as Stones River Grill) b/c "They always cook my food the right way" he says. But we would sit there and eat and do the crossword puzzle from the newspaper. I loved those days.

4. He would do anything for me. I was in the 3rd grade and we were studying hummingbirds. Well, my Pepa is a hummingbird fanatic! So he scheduled me in one day and came to my class to teach us about them. He was in his work uniform and everything! And we also had Grandparents' Day every December at my school. All the classes would sing, and if you had a grandparent that came, you got to go eat some special refreshments after the program. He, again, would always be there with my grandmother and my Granny.

5. He has had an amazing life. I used to love to hear stories from his days in the Air Force. He even got to fly President Eisenhower once. He also had great stories from his childhood as well. But these days he says all of that is a little fuzzy for him.

I could go on and on about him, but unfortunately I don't have time for that. I've got to get the kids in the bathtub and get them ready for bed. Thanks for reading my memories :)

Showin Some Love To My Kids, Part 2

2008-08-02T15:52:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was crazy, so I did not get a chance to do Wil's blog. But I'm bored right now while Seth plays xbox with his friend, Matt, and also while I wait for it to be time to get ready to go out with my peeps. Anyway, so I freakin love this kid. He rocks my world, just like Brooklyn does, but in a different way. If you have more than 1 kid, you understand. And if you only have 1 kid right now, quit worrying about there being enough love for another one! There really is plenty to go around, and you'll love them just as much and in a completely different way :) OK, off my soapbox now.....

I love that he's so lovable. That kid LOVES to give me hugs and kisses, tell me that he loves me and that he thinks I'm pretty. And when he REALLY wants on my good side, he says, "Mommy, I think you're the best." He likes to hold my hand and lets me baby him every now and then. But recently he has started not wanting to give me kisses in public, and that really sucks. But he still gives the hugs out, so I'll take it and be happy with that.

He has a huge heart. He's not nurturing like Brooklyn is, but he can't stand to see anyone upset. I remember when he was a baby, probably a little under a year old...you would look at him and pretend like you were crying, and his little bottom lip would quiver and stick out b/c it would upset him. I know, I know. What parent does that over and over again for entertainment? Well, that would be me. It was so stinkin cute that I couldn't help it! And when I'm upset or crying and he sees me for some reason, he'll rub my back. I know, he's going to make some woman really happy one day ;)

He's smart. The kid taught himself the freakin alphabet! We got him one of those v-tech toy laptops a couple of years ago and it has tons of learning games on there. Well, now he can recognize all the letters, uppercase and lowercase, as well as his numbers. It's pretty crazy, and all that started when he was 2 years old. But sometimes I also think he has a photographic memory. But anyway, it makes me happy.

I love that he loves spending time with me. He loves going to Walmart with me. I guess it comes from the last couple of years of dropping Brooklyn off at school and then heading there for grocery shopping. But I would let him pick out a doughnut, and we would sometimes just look at the toys. And he definitely has his own on opinion on everything. He's not afraid to tell you if he doesn't like something ;)

So there's my Willie lovin post. He had a lot of problems as a baby, and bless his heart, he tried SO hard to be happy. But there was always something going on that was making him uncomfortable. Anyway, so I felt like it took me longer to bond with him than it did Brooklyn. Yes, even typing that out makes me feel like a horrible mother. But we're super tight now and that's all that matters. He's my little man :)

Willie's First Full Day

2008-07-31T19:44:00.003-05:00

So Wil had his first full day of preschool today. All day long I missed him and wished that I could go get him. They weren't joking when they said it would be harder for the parents than the kids. But I kept myself busy. Brooklyn and I chilled at home until 11am and then we headed over to CEC to play and hang out with some friends. Rachel, McAngie, and Melissa G met us over there and we ate pizza, spilled some drinks, and played some games. It was pretty awesome and thanks for coming out with us, ladies! Then we picked Seth up some lunch and ran it to him at work. After we hit up Krogers it was FINALLY time to get pick up Willie!

We got there and he ran to me and hugged me. It was one of the best moments of my life so far ;) I asked him how his day was and he told me it was great. Ms. Mandy said he had no problems and was an angel for her. Lucky lady! So we walked to the truck with Wil telling me about his lunch of a taco and chocolate milk and then about the songs they sang. And, "Oh yeah, mommy! We got to play on the playground too!" It made me laugh, but I'm glad that he loves it and looks forward to it. He doesn't go back again until Monday, and he'll go all day with all 20 kids for the first time. Hopefully it will all still be good.

This is my last Saturday working! They hired someone new in the office, so I'm working a little more on Fridays and get the weekends off! Can ya tell I'm excited??! And then on Saturday night I'm heading to Camino Real with some of my girls to get some time away from everything, and I can't wait! It's been way too long. That's about all that's going on right now. I'm gonna try to sneak in a blog tomorrow about the reasons why I love Willie, so stay tuned! :)

Showin Some Love to My Kids...

2008-07-28T20:49:00.004-05:00

So I've decided to blog about my kids individually to let you all know what I love about each of them and why I think they're so freakin cool :) So let's start with Brooklyn since she's the oldest...

1. I love that she is so carefree. I can barely remember how it is to be like that, but sometimes I try when it is just her and I. It really sets off her personality, and I think it's awesome.

2. She's a hard worker. She's kinda like me in this way, and I never really noticed it about myself until Seth told me one day that it was something he loved about me. I LOVE to try new things, but I HATE being bad at them. So if I do something like that, I work really hard at it until I feel like I've mastered it. Brooklyn is the same way. She has been doing gymnastics since she was 2 1/2 years old. I always saw that she was decently good, but she's just so silly sometimes and just wants to have fun. Well, at the beginning of the summer her coach and I decided to go ahead and move her to the All Stars team to see how she would do. It's a lot of hard work, and at first she didn't like it. I didn't know if she would want to continue in it, or just go back to the regular rec class. Well, she has worked SO hard this summer! She's getting a lot stronger, and she now has her handstand as well as her splits. She's moving right along on bars and beam as well. I'm just so dang proud of her for proving me wrong :)

3. She is super honest, even when she knows it could get her in trouble. Now, there's a fine line of being honest and being nasty about it. And kids really don't know the difference until we teach them. But Brooklyn is not a liar, and even if she tries to be one, she can't hold it up for very long. She gives in and tells the truth, and usually unprompted to do so. I think that's going to work really well for her in the future.

4. She is a loving person. Brooklyn isn't one to shun people. If she is somewhere, and a kid is all alone with no friends, she will go to that child and play with them. She is by nature a caregiver, and it melts my heart.

5. She always tries to do the right thing. It's so hard as a kid to do that, and it's our job as parents to teach them right and wrong. Now she is only 6 years old, and sometimes can't help doing things that seem fun, even if she knows that she should not be doing them. But for the majority of the time, she really tries to do what she knows is right.

6. She's fun! Man, does that kid like to go and do things. She loves to do things and doesn't really like sitting still. So I know when I say that we're going to do something, she's going to be excited, no matter how small it is.

These are just a few of the reasons why Brooklyn is so great. If I kept going, the post would go on for days :) God gave her to me at just the right time in my life. I was on a really bad path that was taking me no where. She saved me from myself and the world around me. And that's why her middle name is "Faith". I've posted about why that word means so much to me, and everyday she reminds me of it. I cannot wait to see what kind of person she turns out to be. Hopefully she won't have too much of me in her ;)

A nice, quiet boring post for you....

2008-07-20T14:32:00.003-05:00

I am SO happy to report that this will be a whine free post :) I just wanted to officially say that my funk is over!! I really think my hormones are just getting worse for about a week every month. It does make me feel like a big baby, though. But THANK YOU for all the encouraging comments, guys. It's always nice to know that you aren't alone.

So it's Sunday and we are all being completely lazy. I'm exhausted from the weekend! Friday night was Parent's Night Out at work, so Brooklyn and I didn't get home until almost 11pm. It was a lot of fun, though, and some easy money. Then yesterday we had to get up early b/c I had to work and Brooklyn had class. Then it was off to a birthday party for the afternoon and evening. There was a huge inflatable water slide, so the kids were exhausted by the end of it, even though it scared them a bit. Megan came home with us and spent the night, and then Seth and I watched some UFC. This morning I got up and made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and then headed off to Walmart for groceries and Willie's school supplies. I can't believe he starts preschool next week! I'm really not looking forward to it, even though I know he needs it. Anyway, so now I'm hangin with the fam and waiting for it to be time to make my famous cajun chicken pasta. It's pretty yummy, and my family always asks for it.

So anyway, that was my weekend. Back to work tomorrow, and also a family meeting with Wil's preschool teacher. Hope everyone else had a great weekend as well! :)

An admission to an addiction...

2008-07-13T10:24:00.003-05:00

So obviously I've been a little down lately, no big deal. We all hit our funks, it's just human. However, there's been something on my heart a lot lately. It's something that's very hard for me to talk about or admit to these days. And it's definitely not something that I am proud of either. But I don't know, I just feel like it's something I need to get out. And what better place than here? If you read my blog, you're more than likely someone that I'm close to and care about. And friends don't judge, right? Well, we can hope anyway ;)

I've always struggled with my weight, ever since I was little. There were always these girls that were skinny and beautiful, and I just was not. I started to slim down in high school because I was really active riding horses and playing volleyball, but still not to my standards. And then there was the dating scene. I feel for my daughter when she hits this stage, and I'm going to do my best to help her get through it and not feel the pressure that I did. Anyway, so I graduated from high school in 1999. I was by no means in the popular crowd, but I got a long with everyone. I had known most of my classmates for years b/c I went to the same school from preschool until graduation. At 19 years old, I really don't know what happened. I got into some bad stuff, but no one really knew about it. I developed an eating disorder (bulimia), and thought that was the answer to everything. And you know what? It worked. I dropped some serious weight, and I kept getting told how good I looked. But I was ALWAYS tired. I really didn't get any of the other side effects, though. I felt like I had it pretty well under control. Then Seth and I split up, and things got really bad. My dad figured it out and made me go to the doctor and see a psychologist. This didn't do anything for me b/c he didn't even talk to me about my eating disorder, so I just stopped going. Fast forward a little bit, and Seth and I are back together. I'm still purging, at least when I was eating. And that wasn't happening very often either. Then I got pregnant with Brooklyn, and it stopped. And it also started up again soon after she was born. Then came Willie, and it stopped again. But started up after he was born as well. Then one day, I just decided that enough was enough. I had 2 kids that depended on me, and I couldn't afford to do something so destructive to myself when these 2 people needed me more than anything. And yes, I have relapsed a few times but I've been able to pull myself out of the hole without anyone knowing.

My point is that yes, bulimia is a disease BUT it is also an addiction. It's something you feel like you need, just like nicotine. If you eat something or just too much, you get in a panic and you need to get it out of your body. That's how I would feel anytime that I would eat. And that makes for a very unhealthy relationship with food. And I love to eat, I always have. I just really have to watch myself so that I don't get into that mind frame again. It's hard b/c I've never had a fast metabolism and my weight has always been up and down. And I guess the whole reason for this post is that my weight is a little up right now, and I'm trying to stay away from old habits.

Now...the big question is, will I tell Brooklyn about this one day? I will if she asks me. I will in no way give her anything positive about this, but tell her instead of all the emotional wreckage it caused in my life. I just don't want her to feel like it's the only way. And maybe I'll get lucky and she'll never even have an urge to do it and she'll be strong enough to stand up against peer pressure. I just pray that my choices will never affect her.

So thanks for letting me open up a little bit here. I'm going to try to do it more often because it helps me grow as a person and also gives you a little insight into what makes me the person that I am today. If I offend anyone, I apologize. But the truth hurts sometimes, and if our experiences can help someone else out, then offending one person is a small price to pay, don't you think?

Things that have been happening...

2008-07-12T13:33:00.002-05:00

So this past Wednesday was a HUGE day! My sister, Michelle, was engaged to a very good friend of mine, Raymond (affectionately known as Ray Ray). They were planning to get married in February, but something happened and they did this past week. I'm so happy for them because they are seriously 2 of my favorite people and I totally believe that they deserve happiness in their lives. How amazing, and lucky, that they can be that for each other! I really plan on sitting down with Michelle and talking about it, though. I learned TONS about Seth by being with him for almost 9 years before getting married, and it almost scares me the amount of things they don't know about each other because they've only been together for 4 months. I'm not saying that it makes me right and her wrong, but I don't want her to be caught off guard, KWIM? I just want them to be happy and understand that there are going to be hard times, but that it leads to an even better relationship if you persevere and push through it. You have to go through the bad times to get to the good...and there's no getting around that.

Well, as for me....I'm hangin in there. I'm still feeling lonely, and even a little left out at this point. I just feel like, "Ok, what do I do now?" I don't know if I'm just PMSing or what's going on, but it's not very fun.

And enough of the negative attitude. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, and I plan on trying REALLY hard to get out of my funk so my next post will be more upbeat :)

Feelings...random feelings...

2008-07-08T12:59:00.003-05:00

Here's the thing. I am incredibly blessed in my life. Everyone that I have is incredible. My husband, my kids, my friends and family...I just can't ask for anything more. That's why feeling this way just seems so crazy and stupid. But it's still there...

I just feel so lonely sometimes. Why is that? I can't wrap my mind around it. There are plenty of people that I care about, and vice versa. But still...it's there. I'm guilty of being a hermit and not reaching out, that much I know. It's not that I don't care, I just don't want to bother anyone. And sometimes it feels like that's what it is when you call someone....a bother.

The thing about life that sucks is that people grow apart. You just never know when someone might move or have something drastic happen in their lives. You try to be there, but sometimes the distance is just too much. Our lives are busy with work and families, and priorities shift and change. And I think we just forget sometimes that we are parts of someone else's world too, not just our own. It's so easy to become comfortable with life and forget about the details. But it's the little things that matter; I'm a firm believer in that. So maybe what I'm saying is that we need to make sure we don't forget the little things...because that's what make people feel important.

So there are my 2 cents on that. I know I'm kinda rambly today, but at least I got it out of my system. Hopefully the next post will be better :)

Thoughts...

2008-06-22T12:39:00.003-05:00

So all my wedding pictures are ready and they are FABULOUS!! I love them all and can't wait to get them printed. But looking at them all have brought back thoughts of the day and how perfect it was. There are a few things I would go back and do differently, like picking up my dress so I wouldn't trip going up the steps, lol. Anyway, I wrote something for Seth and was going to surprise him by reading it at the ceremony, but I was too emotional and knew I wouldn't be able to get through it. So I thought I would share it here with you :)

Sometimes I wonder how I got this lucky in my life. I never thought that God would bless me this much. He has given me someone who loves me for who I am and all that I am not. And with this man, He has also given me 2 beautiful, wonderful children. So I often wonder what I have done to deserve this. And then I stop wondering that, and I am just thankful for it.

The day that we met, I never imagined that we would be standing here almost 9 years later. You have given me so much in my life. We have been through many things, overcome obstacles and tribulations that we could not go around. But you taught me how to face things head on instead of avoiding them. And I know that I still do that sometimes, but I know that you will always be there to hold my hand and help me be strong. You have given me so many things and you have shown me how to be proud of myself. And when I feel that I just cannot do something and I am afraid of failing, you remind me of the faith that you have in me. And that’s when I know that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

Our love and commitment have always shown through, no matter what anyone else thought. You know all of my strengths, as well as my flaws, and you still love me. I know that we are worth fighting for, and I’m glad that we have never given up on one another. We have stood beside each other through the years and supported each other, and I promise you that I will continue to do that. I will never give up on you, just as you have never given up on me.

Thank you for showing me how to be a better person and not be afraid to be myself. Thank you for always being an amazing father to our children. Thank you for walking through fire for me. And thank you for supporting me through everything. I love you, and I cannot wait to see where this life will take us.

Al so, if you are interested in viewing the pictures, you can see Erica Foley's at www.pictage.com/406114

And you can see Rachel Beasley's at www.lilachillphotography.com. Go to galleries, then sessions, and Allen Wedding. Password is: Meant2Be

Thoughts of my Granny...

2008-06-06T08:08:00.003-05:00

So as most of you know, I am very lucky to live in the house that belonged to my Granny before she died. I have SO many memories in this place from childhood, and it makes me happy that my kids are growing up here. Sure, it's an old house and I complain about it sometimes, but in all reality I know how lucky I am to be here. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I'll wake up and the house will smell exactly the way that it did when I was a kid. I'll hear a train whistle blowing, or hear the owl hooting right outside the window. And then I can picture the house the way that it was when she was alive. I love it when that happens.

My Granny was a very spunky lady, and she died when she was 85 years old. You never would have known she was that old by looking at her, though. And she definitely didn't act her age either. She was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2000, and died soon after that. The last time I saw her was on my 19th birthday. Just a week before that, they said she wouldn't make it. She was unresponsive and her organs had started to shut down. But she pulled out of it. And I walked into her hospital room on my birthday, and there she was sitting up in bed. She was so with it, that she knew what day it was before I could even tell her. We talked for awhile and then I left. The doctors said she would be fine and released soon. I was busy with work and other things after that, so I just planned on seeing her when she got out of the hospital. She died 1 week later on June 16th, and I never got to say goodbye. It was my fault, I should have made more time. But hindsight is 20/20, right?

How ironic is it that 2 years later Brooklyn's due date was June 16th? However, she decided to come 2 days early, but still....ironic nonetheless. Here is something I wrote for my Granny that I read at her funeral:

Memories of you float back to me

Reminding me of my childhood

What I once was

Where I have come from

And what I am becoming because of you.

I remember the breakfast you used to make just for me

The vanilla wafers that we always shared

The card games you taught me when I was young

The kiss on my cheek you gave me before I left you each time.

I remember the way you used to let me sit on your lap

The television shows we used to watch

The way we would talk in bed at night before I fell asleep

All the times you were there for me.

I remember when you would pick me up from school before I could drive

The way you would always have a turkey sandwich waiting for me

The smell of your pillows when I'd wake up in the middle of the night

The smile you'd always give me when you were proud of me.

I remember how you never gave up on anyone or anything

The love and dedication you always put forth

The time you spent with those in need

The sacrifices you made.

I remember the strength in you that I always admired

The loyalty you had for your family and friends

The way you were there for every milestone in my life

The faith you had in your family and in God.

I know you will never truly be gone

But remembered always for the great woman that you were

The friend that never stopped giving

The grandmother that never stopped caring.

You are an angel from Heaven

Watching us, protecting us

Giving me the strength to say goodbye

Allowing me to tell you that my heart will never forget

But will always remember you

And blessing me with your presence.

I love you, Granny.

Just a little update...

2008-06-03T07:52:00.003-05:00

Well, just thought I would update a little bit since it's been awhile. Last week I was off for the whole week and it was awesome!! I kinda hated going back to work yesterday, but once I got there it was no big deal. I do love my job, but it's hard now that Brooklyn is out of school for the summer. I would much rather stay home and take the kids to do all kinds of cool things. But what can ya do?

Brooklyn also graduated from Kindergarten last week. I can't believe she's about to turn 6 years old AND be a 1st grader! It absolutely blows my mind. It's hard for me to remember her as a baby, though. And that's just because there was no Willie when she was that little and it's hard to imagine life without him in it. Does that make sense to anyone else out there? I just can't imagine our family of 3 when it became a family of 4 just 22months later. Speaking of Willie, I got a letter the other day telling us that he got into the city school preschool program at Bellwood for the fall! He's SO excited about starting there and being in school just like his big sister :)

On that note, it makes my job plans a little different. As much as I love my job and all that comes with it, the hours kind of suck. With both kids being in school in the fall, the hours just don't leave much time with my family. It would be me picking them up in the afternoons just to drop them off someplace else for me to go back to work. Then I would get home right before bedtime, and the thought of that makes me really sad. I feel like I just wouldn't get to spend the time with my family that I need to and that they deserve. So I'm at a crossroads with this one. So I'm just praying about it and keeping my options open. I haven't talked to my boss about it, but I'm sure it's not going to be news he likes. So cross your fingers for me!

As for Seth and I, well....things are going pretty great :) People keep asking me how married life is and honestly, it's no different from before. I guess being together for almost 9 years before the formality makes a bit of a difference ;) Oh well...as long as life is good for the kids and for him, I'm good.

Here are a couple more pictures I've been sent by Rachel and Erica from the wedding :)

A Married Woman!

2008-05-16T09:25:00.002-05:00

The day finally came and is gone! And it was a freakin awesome day :) It was seriously everything that I imagined and more. It was so perfect and beautiful. I admit, I totally got a little teary here and there, but I didn't have a total meltdown or anything. I've gotten a lot of the pictures back that people took, and luckily for me, my 2 fabulous photographers are e-mailing me a few here and there when they get time. The one on the left is by Erica Foley and the one on the right is by Rachel Beasley. I love them both and cannot wait to see the rest of them. Thank you SO much for being a part of my day, girls. It was so much fun and you both are SO talented!!

I've also gotten a lot of comments about my tattoo on my shoulder and asking the meaning of it. I know that I already posted about it, but I have never explained why the word "Faith" is so important to me. When I was a teenager, probably about 14 or 15, I dealt with a lot of depression. So much, in fact, that I had terrible thoughts and completely isolated myself from people. Then I started going to church and the youth leader, David Spring, reached out to me. I started meeting with him on a weekly basis, and he honestly probably saved my life. Faith was a big part of our meetings. The way he explained it to me made so much sense and really touched my life. He said that faith is as simple as the scripture: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." It's SO true and we all use faith everyday and just don't know it. It's like in that Indiana Jones movie, the third one, I think. Indy is searching for the holy grail and has to pass certain tests to get to it. One is a HUGE ravine with no possibly way to get over it. And he remembers about faith. He closes his eyes and takes a step into the unknown. But there's a bridge to catch him before he falls. It was always there, but he couldn't see it until he had faith that it was there. That's our daily lives. We can't see God or know that He is physically there, but He has a hand in everything that we do. We just have to have the faith that He is there and will guide us. Anyway, there's my story. David Spring changed my life and my outlook on it. So now when I am unsure about things, I close my eyes and pray for the wisdom and courage, and have faith that I can do it because God has faith in me.

I also have faith in my family. Without Seth, Brooklyn, and Wil, I have nothing. So my tattoo is a reminder of what I have and what I am thankful for in my life. And also that it's important to have faith in everything. So there ya go. There's my perspective on that. And did I mention that I'm oh so happy?! ;)

Getting Close...

2008-05-07T08:20:00.002-05:00

Well, it's almost THE day. It kinda stresses me out, but then again I'm just ready for it to be here. The only thing is that I've been sick the last few days. Everyone says it's just because my life has been so crazy for the last month and I haven't had a break. And I'm sure they're right because I seriously have been going non-stop. But my managers at work are totally understanding and have given me the rest of the week off to finish stuff up for the wedding and to rest and get better. Leslee and Shannon freakin rock :)

This past weekend we had our Fun Meet at work for the little ones and it was a HUGE success! They all were SO cute and it was so much fun working with them. I definitely didn't mind being there because it was more fun than work. Brooklyn and Wil did it on Sunday and did an awesome job! I'll have to get some pictures up of them. But every kid got a gold medal just for participating, and they are so proud of them. Brooklyn also got invited to join the All Stars team, which is awesome. I'm so proud of her!

So basically for the next few days, I've just got to pull some things together and make sure everything is set for Saturday. Right now the forecast is calling for rain, so please pray and cross your fingers that it doesn't b/c I really want my reception to be outside! I know it will all work out.

Tiffany also planned my bachelorette party this past weekend. We met up at Rachel's house and then headed off to Nashville to dance and have fun. I wasn't feeling well at all on Saturday, but I'm so glad that I sucked it up and toughed it out, because I had an awesome time! Thanks to everyone who came; it meant a lot to me :) If you want to see pics from that, go to my myspace page. I uploaded them all this morning.

Being Proud...

2008-04-29T21:19:00.002-05:00

So I was in charge of my first major event at work this past Sunday. It was SO nerve racking! And all of last week, I was so freakin stressed over it. I seriously didn't think that I could do it. And my boss just wasn't hearing that. I was basically in tears telling him that I just didn't think I was the right person to do it. But he wasn't listening to that. He just told me that he thought I was capable and that I would do a good job. So after that, at least I felt like I had warned him if I totally bombed. And that in itself made my life a little less stressful.

So Sunday comes around, and I'm calm but still really nervous. We were having 2 sessions because so many kids signed up. Oh, by the way...if you didn't know, I teach gymnastics and I'm also in charge of all the special events, like birthday parties, camps, Parents Night Out, and All Star meets. Anyway, my boss stayed for the first session, and thank God he did! There were a few moments where I knew I couldn't have gotten through them on my own. But he left for the 2nd one and said good luck. Everything went smoothly and was great! I actually did it! I was totally relieved :)

And that's the excitement in my life right now. Next weekend, we have the Fun Meet for all the younger kids and also my bachelorette party. Tiff is coming up with all kinds of crazy things, it seems. So yes, I'm a little afraid at this point.

Then the next weekend is the wedding! Wow, I can't believe it's finally here! I'm really excited to see everything come together. Hopefully there will be no problems. My fingers are crossed, anyway :)

In the Midst of It All....

2008-04-10T13:15:00.002-05:00

I can't imagine my life being anymore stressful than it is right now. There is SO much going on! My wedding is only a month away, and I just feel like there are so many loose ends right now. I've also got a lot going on at work, which really shouldn't be stressful but it is to me. Basically because I'm in charge of a lot of things, and I just have to tell myself that I AM capable of doing it.

I have an AMAZING support system right now, though, and I feel like I owe these people so much! They are taking as much weight off my shoulders as they can, and still dealing with their own lives as well. So I thought I would give them some shout outs and thank yous for all that they are doing.

First of all, to Seth. He encourages me daily and tells me that I'm strong enough to handle it all. He believes in me, and that gives me strength. I love you, Seth, and cannot wait for our perfect, magical day :)

Next comes my best friend Tiffany. It's hard sometimes because we don't live as close as we used to, but she's always calling me to check on things and see how I'm doing. She's being my rock right now and I love her for it. Thanks, Tiff. I don't know where I would be without you in all of my craziness!

To my sisters, Michelle and Stephanie. You guys are amazing! You have done so much for me in planning this wedding and I'm so glad that you're going to be part of my day. Steph, you seriously have gone above and beyond and also saved me TONS of money! I love you and appreciate all that you have done. Shelle, thanks for everything! I love you and am so proud of all your hard work. Hopefully soon we'll be talking about your wedding ;)

To my friends in my Mom's group, wow ladies! Thank you for listening to all of my vents and giving me awesome advice throughout everything. I seriously appreciate each and every one of you. I can't wait for you to see the outcome of all of this! *Hugs*

Amy, I seriously am so excited about the wedding cake! THANK YOU for everything! And I don't mean just the cake, I mean everything. We have been friends for so long, and you have seen me at my worst as well as at my best. You've never judged me or questioned and have always supported me. I love you and can't wait to help you with your wedding!

Jennifer, I am truly heartbroken that you can't make it here for the wedding, but I understand. Please know that you are in my heart and will be here with me. You have also never judged me, but made me think about my choices in life in a different way. I love you for that and for who you are. Hopefully we'll see each other soon because I REALLY miss you!

If I left anyone out, just know that it wasn't done because you aren't special. Every single one of you who take the time to read my ramblings and see what's going on in my life mean the world to me. And thank you for being a part of my life!

Who I Am...

2008-04-04T07:45:00.006-05:00

Some people don't like tattoos. They think they are tacky and silly. My father is definitely one of those people. However, I think differently. I think they are an expression of who you are and it's also a chance to put a little piece of artwork on your body. Now, yes...they can be silly and stupid. If you just get one for the sake of getting one, and it means nothing to you, then there's a definite chance that you are going to regret it later. But every single one that I have means something to me and represents something. So I thought to myself, why not blog about it?

The first one I ever got was a small butterfly on my right shoulder. I got it just a few days after turning 18 years old. It was my first step to independence, and I loved it! It was small and simple and meaningful. And that's a picture of it at the top.

When I was 19 years old, my boyfriend and I of 1 1/2 years broke up. For awhile, I had felt distant from him, but he just would not let me go. Then other events happened, and he no choice but to back off. So my best friend, and roomie at the time, went to a tattoo shop and I got my 2nd one. It's a daisy with some purple tribal on my left ankle, and again...I loved it. It meant that I was ok on my own and I didn't need a guy to be that way. I was proud of myself for finding some inner strength and getting through it.

Then at age 20, came my 3rd one. I had just moved in with Seth and was starting a new life. My father was furious with me, but at that time, I just didn't care. So Seth and I went and got tattoos together. This was the beginning of a new me. It's on my lower back, and although it's pretty faded and needs some touch up now, I still love it and what it stands for in my life.

And finally, just last month got my final one. I plan on touching up the others, but no other new ones for me. In the last 6 years, since my last one, I've been through a lot. I have hit rock bottom and climbed my way back to the top. Seth and I took a break from each other a couple of years ago, and it was the best thing we could have done for each other at the time. Now our relationship is so much stronger and 100 times better. I also happen to be passionate about words, and if you know me at all, you know that my all time favorite is "Faith". That's what has gotten me through so many tough times, and continues to do so. I believe in it so much, that Brooklyn's middle name is Faith. So I decided to improve my first tattoo. Since I am no longer that carefree, naive 18 year old, I decided to add to it to represent my life right now. I went to Touch of the South Tattoo here in Murfreesboro and talked to Sergio. I did a lot of research this time around so I could make sure that I found the right artist. He is incredibly talented and free handed this on me. And he was rockin out the whole time, which I loved. That's it up on the top left.

So anyway, that's a little peek into my head and my thoughts on tattoos. I understand they aren't for everyone, but don't judge someone just because they have some. Chances are that they mean something to that person, and the story might be pretty cool.

Evaluations from Within, Part 2

2008-03-30T19:47:00.001-05:00

I feel a little better about who I am as a person recently. I have really tried to deal with my struggles head on, and I am truly striving to get back to that person that I want to be. Sometimes it's still hard, and I would rather hide under a rock than deal with certain things. But the more I step out of my comfort zone, the easier the next obstacle seems to be.

I have learned that I cannot sit here silently and assume that something I don't agree with will turn out the way that I want it to. People are not mind readers, and if I think they know what my opinion or view is on something, I'm just plain wrong. That is not how the world works. So I am trying to let myself be known instead of just going with whatever happens. I cannot allow myself to be mad about something that is in my control until I do nothing about it.

I am also trying not to take on too much, although right now that is pretty much impossible. I had a lot going on last week with work, and Brooklyn was on spring break as well. And I had already agreed to my responsibilities, so I just had to take it day by day. Although, I must add, that I was ready to scream by Wednesday. However, it all went extremely well and I proved to myself that I am ok under pressure and I can handle a lot more than I thought possible. And that gives me some pride in myself.

I am dealing with another situation that is a little more delicate. I am not by nature an confrontational person. But at times, I REALLY wished that I could be just that. I am really disappointed in a person, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. If I just let things ride and see what happens, then I'm not fixing anything. And that is how I always do things, and I'm tired of it. So we shall see if I find some courage somewhere to handle this.

On another note, I hooked one of my sisters up with a friend of Seth and myself. They are 2 great people who deserves someone to make them happy, and it seems as if this may work. I have not seen either of them this happy in years, and it seriously makes me happy for them. I hope they can make this last.

I think that's about it for now. Wedding plans are coming along as well. Less than 2 months to go! I'm getting pretty excited, stressed, scared, nervous...you name it, the emotion is there :)

Recent Thoughts & Fears

2008-03-14T08:16:00.002-05:00

Sometimes the emotions just build. Like a wall, they stretch until they graze the blue sky. Fingertips gently skimming the wind, yet blocking it so that I can no longer feel the wind anymore. I close my eyes; I take a deep breath. The real question is, “Am I ready to open my eyes?”

Sometimes I think that I am. I feel as strong as the ocean. My waves are never ending, and that gives me power. When I open my eyes, I can just take it all in and be ok with it. The world does not seem so cold or so overwhelming. I can accept who I am and what life has made me to be. And it is not so bad.

Sometimes I know that I am not. I would rather just float in the darkness, oblivious to all that is me. I can pretend that things are different, and my life is not a shadow. That the dreams came true, and those are my reality. That I am still the person I once envisioned; the person who has pride and integrity. The person that I always thought I would be.

I remain in the shadows of that wall. Until I feel a hand gently take hold of mine. Intertwining our fingers, a little smile plays on my lips. You pull me against you, allowing me to feel your warmth and the security that I always have when I am with you. I lean my face upon your chest, and all the fears of who I am lift and fly away. I open my eyes and know that I am ok. With you by my side, the wind returns and flutters against my cheek. You make me who I want to be.

....

2008-03-10T20:51:00.003-05:00

Man, what a crappy day! So it made me go through some more old stuff that I have written, so here's another one for ya.

Why can't I touch you?

I have no where to run when the world turns its back on me

I find no comfort

I see no smile.

I'm left here wondering

Waiting for something that will never come

Becoming what I swore I never would

With no help.

I need your words

I long to know your secrets

I pray for guidance

I hope that it will come someday.

What can't I know you?

I need a shoulder sometimes

Someone to listen to all my joys and pains

Someone who can be no one but you.

Striking

2008-02-29T10:06:00.002-06:00

So I found a bunch of stuff I had written back in high school and my early college years. It has been YEARS since I've written anything. Way back when, I hit writer's block. And then I had kids, so it was pretty impossible to even get my thoughts organized enough to put them down on paper. So anyway, here's something I wrote my senior year of high school, and it also happens to be one of my favorites.

Striking

Goodbye for now.

The whisper echoed as their fingers slowly broke contact.

The stares lingered

Their footsteps became slow and halted.

Her lips moved slightly as she backed away.

Her eyes could not leave the depths of his

Her skin still burned where his had touched hers so gently.

Her heart pounded in such anticipation.

He loved the way her hair carelessly blew across her face.

He ached to reach up and softly brush it behind her ear.

He longed to pull her close, to experience her heart beating against his in such rapture.

He needed to feel her breath against his cheek one last time.

The strangers passed, casting a glance at each other

The look that was meant to last for only a second

Lasted for a moment.

It continued as they kept walking their separated ways.

Lightning must have struck.

Blessed

2008-02-03T18:46:00.000-06:00

I feel so blessed in my life right now. There are SO many things going wrong, and SO many things that I could dwell upon. But sometimes you just have to close your eyes and take a deep breath. That is what I have done lately, and it has been wonderful. If I can just ignore all the negative things for a few minutes, everything else comes back into perspective.

I am SO bless to have my family. Seth and the kids are the most important things in my life, and sometimes I forget how wonderful that one simple thing can be. No matter what I do or how I act, they love me. They can forgive me for being selfish and remind me why there is no need to focus on the things that bring me down. I am happy and as long as that stays first in my mind, nothing else can change that.

Things are falling into place, slowly but surely. Seth and I picked a song that screams out our relationship. I'm sure this may seem kinda generic to some, but "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts seems like it is written about us. We have been through so much together; we've been together, and we've been apart, but no matter what we have always been a team. He truly is my best friend and he always has faith in me. He believes in me and what I can do, even when I don't. He's always there to pick me up, even when he's part of the reason that I'm down. We have grown into adults together, and our relationship has only grown stronger because of it.

Anyway, I'm blessed and I'm thankful....and that's all that matters right now.

Evaluations from Within, Part 1

2008-01-12T21:26:00.000-06:00

I have really done some soul searching lately. By doing so I have come to a very important conclusion. I do not like the person that I have become. This is not at all how I envisioned myself. It truly makes me sad that I have strayed so far from the path from which I intended to follow in my adult life. I understand that sometimes there are obstacles that get in our path, tangents that lead us astray. But where was it that I lost the way back? What has kept me from returning to the way that made me content with myself?

I wish I could pinpoint it, that thing that tripped me and made me fall to my knees. I wish I could remember why it is that I did not have the strength to get back up. What has made me crawl and be cowardly? What has made me hang my head in shame, to be someone that is afraid and unable to bring herself back to her feet?

These answers still hide in the shadows, taunting me and tossing out careless words here and there. And honestly, I do not know if they will ever become apparent. But in order for me to find that path again, the one where I can look straight ahead and have pride in my eyes, I have to find these answers. I have to face these truths and embrace them, no matter how painful it may prove to be. I have to dig deep and find the determination to be proud of who I am. But more importantly, I need to be proud of who I have become and who I will be in the future.

Bored..

2007-12-29T19:12:00.000-06:00

Well, it's a Saturday night and here I sit. I don't mind being at home, I'm just bored out of my mind! So anyway, it gives me an opportunity to write about our Christmas. It was REALLY good for everyone. The kids got everything that they wanted, plus a lot more. It has taken me until today to get my house back in order, and it's still not as good as I would like. But one day at a time, right? :)

My mom got me a laptop, which I'm on right now. I love it!! The convenience of it it awesome. I also got a new printer too, which I have yet to get out of the box. I've got to find a place to put it first. But I'm very grateful and happy about it.

It has also been really nice to be off of work for awhile. I start back on Wednesday, but I feel like I've gotten the breathing room that I needed, and I'm refreshed. I got a job offer today, which is always nice. However, my bosses at my current job have done SO much for me, there's no way I could leave them like that. They have gone above and beyond what they have to do. We've had our rough spots, but who doesn't? I'm just grateful for what I have and where I'm at right now.

Life is going well right now. I've put all the financial stuff out of my head for now so I can enjoy my time off with the kids. I will worry about that again in 2008. Have a wonderful New Year!!

Recently...

2007-12-17T07:44:00.001-06:00

Recently things have been good, which I guess is why I haven't blogged lately. Isn't it funny how we only blog when things are not going our way or we're down? And that's kind of an assumption because I'm sure everyone is not like that. But I certainly tend to be that way :)

My dad is doing so much better. He went back to the doctor for the first time since his surgery this past Friday, and he's like a whole new person. The doctor said to take advantage of this miracle because it's obvious God wants him here. In all truth, my dad shouldn't have made it through, but he did. So now he's going to make the most of it. He's finally past his bitterness, and he's got his sense of humor back as well. I can't ask for more than that. I'm just happy and thankful.

Some other things have not been so happy lately, but you've got to take the good with the bad. This time of year is stressful for everyone. We're struggling a little bit financially, but who isn't? And December always seems to be the worst for that because there's so much to do. However, I've only got a week left of work before I get a short break and I can't WAIT for that! I'm really looking forward to spending some time with the kids.

All in all, life is good. I can't complain about too much, and for once I really don't want to ;) I hope everyone has a fabulous Christmas and happy New Year!!

Finally...

2007-11-20T08:11:00.000-06:00

So my dad had surgery last Thursday, Nov. 15th. They put him in the hospital on the 13th b/c he needed a blood transfusion, and that delayed the whole process a little bit. The surgery took longer than they thought b/c of scar tissue from his other heart surgeries, but he made it. He has hit some bumps along the way and we've almost lost him a few times, but God is watching out for him and brought him through. I still can't get rid of this feeling, though, so I've been making sure that I'm up there everyday to be with him and help out any way that I can. They finally moved him out of ICU last night, so hopefully he will be home by Thanksgiving.

I just still feel so helpless. I wish there was more I could do and it frustrates me that I can't. I've really just shut myself off from people, and I continue to wonder why I do that. I mean, how hard would it be for me to call one of my awesome friends and tell them that I'm struggling and I'm stressed? It doesn't sound like it would be very hard, but it is. And then that brings me to wonder why I'm such a private person. I mean, I want to share things with people but I just don't. I don't want to draw attention to myself or the things going on. I guess I just want to be seen as strong and independent. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm just not; I'm too afraid to open up.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm EXTREMELY thankful that my dad made it through and is beginning to recover. He still has a long road ahead, but so far, so good. Thank you to everyone out there for praying and sending thoughts his way. I truly believe that it made all the difference in the work and it proves that the power of prayer is real. I'll try to keep the updates coming and try to keep them more positive ;)

Hectic

2007-11-01T13:14:00.000-05:00

So life has been incredibly busy lately. Some things positive, some things not so much. However, what I CAN say is that we had a great Halloween. The kids looked great, they had an awesome time trick or treating, and we had a good time hanging out with family. Who could ask for more than that?

As for the rest of my life, there are so many things going on. I got offered a job promotion. I am now Special Events Coordinator and Assistant Gym Manager. I'm excited about these things. There won't be many extra hours unless we have something special going on, but it should be fun to plan things and watch things happen under my supervision. And the raise can't hurt too much either, right? Anyway, hopefully it all goes the way I expect.

As for my dad, I'm still frustrated. We're about 2 weeks away from surgery. I'm so upset by the actions of his cardiologist right now. He won't be performing the surgery (thank God!), but insists on seeing my dad weekly until the surgery. Now this is the same man who said there were no leaky valves and that my dad's breathing a few months ago was no concern. After seeing a specialist, his breathing WAS an issue and wouldn't have lived if they had not admitted him to the hospital and gotten the fluid off of his lungs and heart. And he has not one, but TWO leaky valves. They are doing surgery to repair his tricuspid valve and replacing his mitral valve. Anyway, today he had an appointment with my non-favorite doctor who displayed (at least in my opinion) very unprofessional behavior. Let me just say that I'm scared and this is MY father, so I expect answers to my questions in a professional manner. He originally said there was no cause for concern in waiting on the surgery, as we have been for the past month or so. But today he says he has to see him every 5-7 days to make sure that he doesn't have a heart attack before they get him in. WTH is that?! Then when asked what exactly the procedure is for him, he makes a big joke about it. We have not had anyone explain what exactly they are doing, and after all my research on the Internet about it, there are several options. Would it be so hard to just tell us??? I understand that doctors use humor to lighten the situation, and that's completely fine with me. But after that, explain to me what I want to know. He did not even give us that courtesy. And unfortunately, I was not there. If I had been, I guarantee a completely different outcome. I have so many questions with no one with the decency to answer them. I'm mad, frustrated, scared, upset....and the doctors should care! If no one else out there does, they should! They give us these terrible odds of him even making it out of the surgery, and then it's a joke. I just don't understand it. *sigh*

Swirling...

2007-10-20T20:15:00.001-05:00

I know it's been forever since I've posted anything. I've just been frustrated with life, I guess. I have SO much going on and I feel like all my free time is tied up with every other part of life. But certain things are really getting to me and I just need to get them out of my head and put them down somewhere else.

My heart is just aching right now. FINALLY the doctors came to an agreement after about a hundred more tests. They are going to do the valve replacement surgery on November 14th. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad....REALLY glad. He's just not doing well and getting weaker and weaker. But because of all the stress his heart has been under in the last year, they only give him a 50/50 chance of even making it through the surgery. I just have that really bad feeling again, and I'm just praying that it's wrong. I can't stand the thought of losing my dad right now. It's just not a possibility....it simply can't be.

Work is going really well. I've found my groove there once again and I'm really enjoying it. The kids are also doing great. They're growing up so fast; I really wonder where the years go. How in the world is already almost Christmas again?! That means that we're that much closer to birthdays again and Willie will be 4 and Brooklyn will be 6. That just doesn't seem possible to me.

I guess that's really it for now. There hasn't been anything overly exciting happening. Just the same stuff, different days. Let's hope it stays that way. :)

To My Daddy...

2007-09-28T11:51:00.001-05:00

You chose me
You loved me without question
Opening your heart
As well as your life
All I could offer was me.

I was never perfect
Or even close for that matter
But you took my mistakes
Taught me how to learn from them
And forgave me, no matter how bad it was.

You are an incredible person
With compassion and grace
Opening my eyes to the world
Telling me it was mine for the taking
Believing in me.

I will always be your JennyBug
And your little girl
I still need you to comfort me
Assure me that life is never too much to handle
To always be there for me.

You have done your job
Taught me everything that I need to know
I am a stronger person because of you
My heart is open to others
My amibition to be something great
Is because of the man that you are
And the woman that you taught me to be.

Back to Square One

2007-09-23T13:04:00.001-05:00

So my dad went back to the doctors at Vanderbilt this past Friday. They told him they were just going to lay it out for him. They have been reviewing his case for the past couple of weeks told him two things. 1. The medicine therapy isn't working as they had hoped, but they are willing to try a couple of other types. 2. They really prefer not to operate on the 2 leaky valves because his heart has been through so much in the past couple of years, that they don't believe he would make it through the surgery.

So where does that leave us? Am I just supposed to sit back and watch my daddy die? How is that fair? And not just for me...for my kids as well. I have SO many memories of my grandparents. They were there for everything growing up, and they continue to be a part of my life now as an adult. I want the same for my kids. I want them to have wonderful, fun memories of my dad, their "Pa". I can't imagine life without him.

I am a big believer in signs, even though that probably sounds pretty stupid. But I can't help but think that God likes to give us little clues along the way, to help us see what to is to come or how choices may play out. All I have seen today on TV is people dealing with the death of their fathers. I'm an emotional person anyway, but that's just too much. I have cried more this weekend than I have in the past 3 months. Insane, I know. I just can't help the feelings of loneliness and helplessness that have consumed me these past few days.

Now my next step is to write my dad a letter. To tell him everything that he has done for me and how much he has taught me. It is by no means a goodbye, but a reminder so that he knows what a huge influence he has been for me and continues to be on a daily basis. So that he knows what he has meant to me in my life and how grateful I am that God gave me him as a father. And how incredibly lucky I am that I was placed with him and my mom as opposed to someone else, where my life could have been completely different. I just want him to know how much I love him, need him, and respect him.

So Hectic!

2007-09-08T21:35:00.000-05:00

That's my life lately for sure. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I can't even get my thoughts straight or take a deep breath. But here I am; I'm trying to sort it all out right here so that maybe I'll feel a little bit better.

So my dad was in the hospital for this past week at Vanderbilt. After doing TONS of tests and me doing TONS of research on the internet, there was no surgery to be done. I was not agreeing with this at all at first. The doctors said "the damaged valves are not weak enough for surgery right now". My response was "Who cares? If they're weak, shouldn't we go ahead and fix them now before something bad happens?" Well, actually...that must be why they went to medical school and I did not. They do not like to do more than 3 heart surgeries on any patient if it can be helped. Now, I know there are exceptions to everything. For example, my friend Debbie's daughter Reagan. But her situation is a completely different thing. ANYWAY. So they are trying some medicine therapy and we're hoping that helps them get stronger without having to go in again. Whatever. I'm just tired of it all. I'm going to admit defeat gracefully here, and pray to God that these doctors are right. What else can I do? If my dad accepts it, then I suppose that I have to as well.

I just feel beat down lately. Mentally, physically...all the way around. I've had a few other things going on lately as well, and people keep telling me to go to the doctor. Well, first of all, that costs money and there are bills to be paid. I think that's a little more important. Secondly, I think I'm just a paranoid person and nothing is wrong anyway. My life is hectic period. That's it. And I'm getting old, right? ;)

My great aunt also passed away this week. She was 94 years old and truly an inspiration. I haven't seen her in quite awhile, but I have awesome memories with her as a kid. She was the sweetest lady and led an amazing life. It makes me sad that my kids never got to know her, but that is no one's fault but my own. We get so caught up in our day to day routines that sometimes we forget to step outside of the box. And that's exactly what happened with me. I forgot to extend the routine. But it reminds to me to make sure that my kids plenty of time with my grandparents, who are getting older. I want my kids to have memories of them so that one day we can share those memories and smile at them.

We are also coming up on the anniversary of my friend Courtney's death. One year ago, on September 10th, she was killed in a car accident. She was only 21 years old. It's so crazy for me to think that it was a year ago. It doesn't seem like it should be, but at the same time it feels like forever since I've seen her. It still makes me sad when I think about her, and I wonder if that ever goes away. Is there peace anywhere out there? Thinking about it always makes me wonder why it was her time. Why didn't she get a few more years to discover what love felt like or what it would be like to be a mother? Why didn't she get a chance to reach her dreams or REALLY experience life? I know I could go on all day with the "whys" of this situation, but I can't help it. I find it to be so unfair, even though I know that God has a greater plan. I just think the world would have been a better place with Courtney in it. She was still learning and still teaching. She wasn't done yet.

So wow. This blog was ALL over the place, but that's how my mind has been lately. I guess I should learn to stick to one topic per blog, but that wouldn't be very much fun, now would it?

Tomorrow

2007-08-30T12:47:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow is the day, I guess. My dad is going to a specialist at Vanderbilt and has asked me to go with him. He's been really emotional this week and I see that every time I look at his eyes. I know he's scared, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to give up.

My step mom had to take him to the doctor Monday afternoon because he was really confused about things and his breathing was really off. It started Friday night after he got home from those tests, but I just assumed it was because they had put him under two times in one day. That's a lot of medicine for your body to handle. But instead of getting better, it kept getting worse. They called it "hypertension". Because the mitral valve is not working, his brain isn't getting enough oxygen, and the confusion was the result of that. So here's my question, or my thought...whatever you want to call it. Since his brain wasn't getting enough oxygen, shouldn't they have kept him in the hospital ON oxygen? Or sent him home with some??? Just curious, but it makes sense to me. What do I know? I definitely have not been through medical school.

So anyway, that's the plan for now. See what this specialist says and hopefully schedule his surgery for next week. The kicker is we have to leave at 6:15am. So I'm working on figuring out a way to get Brooklyn to school without having to wake her up at 5:45am to get her somewhere. It will all work out, I know. So please pray for my dad, cross your fingers, wish on a star....anything at this point is appreciated.

Can't Get it Off My Mind

2007-08-23T20:16:00.001-05:00

So tomorrow is the big day for my dad. He's having his arteriogram to see what's going on with his heart. It just scares me so much. An acquaintance of mine lost her dad this past weekend because of a heart related problems. Grant it, he was WAY worse off, but it just really hit close to home. My dad just isn't looking good and it worries me.

On a good note, there is no colon cancer. My dad has been taking aspirin for years for his heart, but there are side effects, which he was not aware of at all. He has 2 erosions in his stomach because of it and was bleeding internally. The doctor he saw told him he should have been taking something like Prilosec on a daily basis to counteract it. How was he supposed to know that?? It kind of pisses me off because I feel like we put our lives in these doctors' hands and some of them just couldn't care less. Why is that?

I'm not saying this is the case with them all because I've come across some incredible doctors over the years, but also some that don't care whether you live or die. Is it because they make money no matter what? I feel like you should be in your profession because it's something you are passionate about and because you want to make a difference. If you don't care about people, don't go into a profession that deals with people!! There are so many things that I want to do in my life and they all deal with people. However, I'm smart enough to know that I can't keep my emotions out of it or I would not be able to leave things at work. Therefore, I would be putting myself (as well as others) in serious jeopardy because of it. Not to mention my family. Anyway, the point here is...know what you're getting into!

I guess I kind of went off on a tangent there, but that's something I feel so strongly about. Anyway, as for the rest of my life...I'm just tired. I've been running around like crazy the last couple of weeks, trying to get things done. On top of that, my baby started Kindergarten. She's growing up, and it amazes me. She's loving school and that makes me so happy. I'm so proud of her and I'm excited to see the accomplishments that she will make in the coming years.

As for Wil, well...let's just say he's finally a big boy all the way around! We've been working on potty training for a big part of the summer, but I wasn't pushing him because I knew he would do it when he was ready. Well, this was his week. We've gone 3 days with no accidents and he's really proud of himself. My baby is no longer a baby. And as sad as that makes me, I'm so glad to be done with diapers and pull ups :)

I'm hoping to find some down time at some point to relax and unwind and not think about anything. And if all goes well tomorrow for my dad, hopefully I'll find that this weekend. I know that I was all over the place with this blog, but if you made it through it....thank you. Thanks for caring enough to read it and see what my rambling mind thinks about.

Thoughts on My Dad

2007-08-13T12:50:00.000-05:00

So I have a lot on my mind today and I don't even know where to start. I guess I will just start with what is stuck in my head.

In October of last year, my dad had a heart attack. He's a very stubborn man and refused to acknowledge that something was wrong. That is until that one Saturday morning when he couldn't deny it. My sister took him to the ER, where he almost died. But luckily God was watching out for him. Then they moved him to Southern Hills for testing since that's where his doctor was at the time and it made him feel better being there. That was when they determined he would need open heart surgery for the second time. The first time he had it, I was in the 5th grade and he had quadruple bypass done. They then moved him to another hospital, but I can't remember which one at this point. That was a really hard time for me, and I think I blocked it out for the most part. I remember the day of his surgery I could not be there because of work. However, I figured it was better to be busy than to be there sitting and sitting and sitting. They estimated his surgery at being around 4 hours long. But when they got in there, they had to do a lot more repairing than they had originally thought. Almost 9 hours later, he came out ok. Of course he was on a ventilator so his body could rest, but he had made it. I went to see him a couple of days later in the ICU, and nothing could have prepared me for it. As soon as I saw him, I broke down. This was my daddy, my hero. The one person that I could always count on and I never doubted that he loved me. It was awful to see him like that and I prayed SO hard for him to pull through. At one point, the doctors didn't think he would make it, but he did. And after all that, he was still the same. Except he stopped taking things for granted. He's all about his grandkids and loves them with all his heart. And he calls me a few times a week to check on me as well.

So fast forward until now. He went to the doctor last week and he has to have another arteriogram and a colon scope. Ever since his surgery, he has had a hard time catching his breath. The doctor assured him that it was part of the healing process, but come on. It's been 10 months ago now and he should not still be having that problem. They think one of the valves in his heart may not be functioning properly and there's a chance of surgery again. As for the colon scope, well...that's another scary thing. His blood count is low, and my grandmother (his mom) died in 2000 from colon cancer.

I just hate this! My father is such a good man and I feel as though he's already been through his share of stuff. Why does it keep reoccurring? And I always know when he's worried because I get phone calls like the one I got on Saturday. "Jennifer, I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what happens. And if it does happen, you know what to do."

Know what to do?! Sure, some of it. He made a list of things to do if something happens to him and people to call and what bills need to be taken care of. But that's my daddy and I'm still his little girl, even at 26. I'm scared of him not being there. He's the one I turn to when I need advice about things in life that I'm still clueless about. And not only me, but what about my kids? They deserve to have the same relationship with him that I had with my grandfather, who is 79 years old and still alive. I feel a hole in my heart just thinking about it.

And I know this doesn't mean anything, but sometimes I get premonitions. Like when my grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer. I knew she was going to die. I know that sounds morbid and cruel, but I did. I knew when my uncle got sick a few years ago and had a brain aneurysm that he wasn't going to make it. And I hope and pray that I'm wrong this time. I hope that I'm just thinking the worst and it won't happen. I hope that all my worries are silly and they just go away and everything is fine. I just hope period.

Pleasing Yourself

2007-08-10T14:40:00.000-05:00

So something I hate about life is trying to please everyone, including yourself. It is just not possible. Someone will always get hurt or upset by your decisions. There is just no way around it.

Over the last few years I have learned that all you can do is make yourself happy. If they are truly your friends, they will get past the hurt and understand where you are coming from. If not, well....oh well, I guess. It sucks and it's not fair, but you should not be made to feel guilty for things that you've thought about, prayed about, and simply struggled with over time. If you KNOW the decision is for the best, stand your ground! Eventually they will understand. Hopefully, anyway.

Everyone deals with things in different ways. My personal way is to close everyone out and hide in a "hole". Definitely not the best idea. So I've been trying to stay away from my "hole" and deal with things head on lately. Unfortunately, it has hurt some people along the way. To those of you it has, I'm sorry. It was never my intention, but it happens. And I am striving to be a better person and learn from my mistakes. Actually, I WANT to be a better person. Not just for myself, but for my kids. I want them to learn integrity and respect. But I also don't want them to be afraid to stand up for themselves. Growing up, I always thought it was wrong to do that, but it's not. You have to take the good with the bad, because it is in everything.

So be proud to be who you are and what you believe in and stand for! I'm not saying that it's ok to intentionally hurt people. However, sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy.